D-Time

It's amazing how they have songs for EVERYTHING you are going through.  Don't judge me.  I really do try to get over him and not love him so much.  "They" say stay away from him, distance yourself.  I have done that, well he has done it for me most times.  I hate the feeling of not being around him.  There are times I see his true color and do not like it but I love him.

When I'm with him, all the things he does that make me sad seem to disappear.

We went and had lunch today and it was so nice to first seem him.  I haven't seen him in two weeks.  That's so sad when we are in the same city and that's suppose to be my bestfriend. I don't understand sometimes.

I want to spend every moment with him and I just wish he felt the same way.  I just want him to love me, I want him to want me, I want to be enough...

Don't judge me.  If I could move on, don't you think I would?  I know it would just crush my soul but I wish he would tell me why he won't love me.

Black and Mild

As of Monday, September 22, 2014, I'm a owner of a new car, yaaaay!  A 2015 Nissan Altima.  My bestie today named her Black and Mild.  I haven't found a name for her yet.  I've been calling her Black beauty.  I really like her.

This was her first night in her new home.

Yep, she's posing because she knows she's top of the line!

So fresh and so clean, clean!  All praise go to Jesus Christ for his blessings.

 

Saying good-bye to my first new car, a 2004 Suzuki Verona.  We had some good time and some challenges but all in all, you got me to where I needed to go on most days.

Now to make new adventures with Black and Mild.  She makes me happy. I feel top of the line driving her.

I'm thankful that God has entrusted me with her.  I hope to do right by her and take care of her.

Thank you Lord.

When Dreams Disappear

Things happen for a reason and my car breaking down I think was suppose to happen so we could talk.  Tuesday, we were suppose to workout.  I had been sitting in the car for 15 mins waiting.  I couldn't believe this was happening again, me just sitting in the car waiting on him.  If that wasn't a sign of where I really stand with him, then I don't know what is.  It's been happening alot to me, at least a 10 min waiting and who would do that to a friend?

The talk we had was needed but it didn't change anything.  So I write today confused of why did it happen.  I love heart to heart talks. The situation that happened affected our friendship.  I should of asked what was his interpretation of the situation that happened and how he felt.  I think now, we should have talked about it.  It was clearly that hurtful that it's ending our friendship.

Forgiveness is a strange thing.  I have forgiven him for soooo many things or I will overlook things that were hurtful.  I've cried many of times for things done or words said by him but I forgave...why...because I loved him.  I have always put him first in everything, the love I had/have for him did that.

I'm sad because I couldn't be what he wanted, I couldn't be what he needed...in reality, I wouldn't want me if I was a guy too.

I hate that our friendship has to end this way but there probably wasn't going to be any non-hurtful way to say good-bye.  I'm losing my heart, not a part of it or someone close but the one I thought should be Boaz, the one who put a smile on my face and in my heart, and I could go on but it's hurting my heart just thinking about it.

I loved him...I thought he was the one...Living seems pointless...

Hating September

I used to enjoy September, the change in season, good traveling month but 2yrs ago, it all changed.

I keep regretting to think that if maybe I told him sooner how I felt or if I didn't guard my heart so that maybe things would have turned out differently.  This song though.  Oh, he knows but he doesn't care, why because it's not his journey.  It's mine to learn out to deal with, get over and move forward.

Two years ago my life changed.  Love took me by storm and because of my insecurities, I wasn't ready.  The sad thing about it is, still today, I have the same insecurities but that's a different subject.  I was in love but didn't think it was true because I've never had anyone love me back.  My friends told me to tell him but I just knew he knew.  Actions speak louder than words and he had to of known.

We been hanging hard since the day we met.  I thought he was like me and didn't have anyone in this city but I was wrong.  I didn't want to leave him, I wanted him to be going too but it didn't work out that way.  I went on a cruise and when I got back, the first time my heart was ripped from my chest.  He tells me he met "the one".  I've blogged about it before so I won't go into details because I'm sitting here crying reliving the hurt and heartache all over again.  I will say, how he felt about her is how I felt about him. "Love is blind"

A year later, in September I might add, he asked her out/proposed.  This was the first time I had ever had a anxiety attack and the worst feeling ever.  There's a saying that you can't be heartbroken twice over the same person but I disagree, if it wasn't heartbroken then I was truly dead.  I wanted to be dead and I felt like I was.  The statement, "action speaks louder than words" is a f**king lie. We just got back from Chicago and everyone there seen the chemistry we had, thought there was more to our relationship, seen the true smiles we had but to him, it meant nothing.

About a month ago, I've seen more of his true colors and it was another painful moment in my life.  Just another moment to see that he doesn't give a d*mn about me.  I'm so grateful for people in my life that I have been telling me this and helping me see the signs but I'm so tied to him that I can't leave.  I continue to take the pounding and invite it.  I know that I'm going through this for a reason.  I may not be able to see it right now but in due time, I will overcome it and be able to help someone else.

In the meantime...I hate that we have chemistry but you just don't love me...I still wanna burn a candle with you.

Mixed Emotions

I don't want to say good-bye.  Why?  I don't know, it feels like it's something stronger than me pulling me toward him.  Even when I'm being treated unfairly in my eyes, even when I feel unappreciated, even when I don't feel the love...I still want to be with him.

They say it gets better one day at a time, just be patient and give it time.  It's hard when they were your life, you would have gave anything to be their wife.  Learning that real love only comes from up above transcending down from my Heavenly Father.  I hate that I was a bother or couldn't be what they want.  Now it seems like it's all a front. I knew this day was going to come but I still don't understand why I feel so dumb. My love was real that's probably why I can't deal.  I'd rather be dead then go on as planned. 

Call me stupid but I will do anything for him, even if it's not convenient for me.  I said in a previous post, I'm not in love with him anymore but I do love him.  Tonight I was thinking, what's the difference.  Should there be a difference in my action?  In my thinking?

I got a glide yesterday and he "needed" me.  I felt so sorry for him, he was super sick.  I know how he gets when he's sick.  Did I do it because I loved him or because I'm in love with him?  I'm going to say because I love him.  When I get to his house, I wanted to do more but I didn't.  I wanted to "really" take care of him but I didn't.  I wasn't my place and as hard as it was for me to just sit and listen, I did just that.  I wanted to do more and I think now if I did, it would have been because I'm in love with him.  I wanted to curl up next to him and just hold him and rub his back and forehead. I wanted to get a wet cloth and put on his forehead. Again, I wanted to really take care of him.

I will say, Thursday's actions was because I was in love with him.  I brought some juice over and he was disappointed.  It really really hurt my feelings.  I'm telling you, my mind is so strong and people really don't understand and I don't sometimes how my mind talks me out walking in the flesh.  My mind talks me out of reacting ALL the time.  If I didn't care so much about how other people felt, I would be a ticking bomb.  It's so scary.  It's probably been a month and a half since I've hung out with him at his place with everyone.  I enjoy being with everyone but I just don't like activity. I tell myself every single time, you will just leave in advance but it doesn't happen.  It happened a couple of times and I felt bad because they knew what I was doing.  It happened again on Thursday, well I hadn't planned on staying.  I stayed and I told myself I would just leave but at that moment, that feeling of I love him and I want to be around him and so on happened.  I was asked to sit by him even though I think he wanted the other girl to sit by him. He was flirting with her and I tried with all my might to not let it get to me.  No matter what I say and do inside my head to not feel sad or jealous, it tears me up each time. A side note: Two different incidents, he took double takes of some chicks while I was with him.  I've never seen him do that before.  I just felt the knife repeatedly being stabbed in my heart.  Sorry got a little side track, so later on that night, we were joking and playing and it felt like old times again. He was being flirtatious but I had to tell myself, this is NOT how he is feeling it was the situation.

It's like a game!  Don't play your feelings and you won't get hurt.

Last night, felt almost normal again. I said almost, haha!  We went to the movies to go see TMNT.  Two thumbs up by the way.

I think time away really helped me to detach as well as being treated the way I was.  It hurt and still hurts thinking about it but I guess this is what needed to happen for me to un-attach myself.  I knew it was going to happen but I didn't think it would be so painful.  Main reason why I want to leave this place.  Maybe I wouldn't be so jealous as he lives his life and crushes/likes/loves on other girls.

I miss my friend and I pray that God's will be done in our relationship.

Hollywood

Life has been so surreal.

I'm heading to Hollywood, California!!!

I sat in the back of the vehicle.  I was kind of nervous about it because I don't like being in closed confinement but I was okay in the back. I wished he was in the back with me so I could of laid on him. I know, silly me, he's not mine.

    

There were beautiful mountains all the way there.  The sunrise was so pretty.  We stopped at a rest area, see the sign:

    

A very different sign huh?!  Definitely not your usual sign.

    

Due to the drug core tel, there was border patrol between Arizona and California.  How crazy is that in the United States.  It was actually closed when we went through which is unusual.

When we got there and it took us about 5hrs, we went straight to Erick's apartment.  I should have taken pictures but his apartment was $1100 and it came with parking.  Right outside of his apartment, you could see the Hollywood sign.

Erick was super nice.  He showed us around Los Angles and Hollywood.  He had lived everywhere and survived.  Erick is Garee and LaShell's older brother.

The hotel was in a good location and nice.  I was really mad that I couldn't sleep with my buddy. I knew the sleeping arrangements were going to be difficult but I try to just go with the flow. I didn't feel good at all, so sleeping was not going to be an option clearly.  They wanted the air on but no one wanted to sleep next to the air.  Usually I don't mind but since I wasn't feeling good.  It wasn't a good option.  In the middle of the night, I noticed Garee in a chair looking really uncomfortable, so I woke her up and told her her to lay down.  I slept in the desk chair.  

I know this is lame but the highlight of the whole trip or close enough was the neck massage from my bestie.  OM to the Gosh!!!  I might have mentioned in another post, that I have two herniated disc in the spine of my neck.  It was recommended that I have surgery to correct the problem or go to a chiropractor and purchase a $150 pillow.  So I had kind of rigged up my own pillow and it would work every now and then.  If I lay down wrong or sleep wrong, it gives me the worst headache in the world and my neck hurts.  Well the week before the trip, I started having problems.  There really isn't much they can do but give me a shot, muscle relaxers don't help.  

So I asked the Bestie if he could massage my neck and he did.  Again, OM to the Gosh!!!  The best massage in the world.  You know they are good when they can put you to sleep and I had started drooling.  I had moaned a couple of times but really tried to keep that in.  It felt great!  His wife is going to be one blessed woman.  Since the massage, my neck has been feeling better.  He has the magic touch.

Back to the trip, my bad...

So we walked Hollywood Blvd. and seen the stars on the ground.  I couldn't believe it.  The street was super crowded with tourist, street artist, security and more, so it was hard to get pictures and what not.

Then it was time to leave.  So sad.  The weather and company was nice.  Back to Arizona we went.

**Found this draft in my box**

Black Rose

My Bestie gave me a Black rose on Valentine's Day.  It meant the world to me.  The gift was so him.  If you know him, it was something I would picture him getting for anyone. I'm blessed that he thought of me.

As he hands it to me, he says, a black rose means more than just death. It has other meanings.

I wanted to cry because this is the first time that I have ever gotten anything from the opposite sex for Valentine's Day (that wasn't from my dad).  I will cherish the gift and memory forever.

It's things like this that make it hard to not love him.  Nope it's not about the gift but the giver. These are the thoughtful things he does that make me fall more and more in love with him.  The Jesus in me loves the Jesus in him.

The black rose can symbolize strength, courage, resistance, the beginning of new things or a journey into unexplored territory.  It inspires confidence and enthusiasm by signaling the birth of a new era of hope and joy. 

I'm taking my gift with joy of all the good things it symbolizes.  

**This was the draft sitting in my box**