Turning Point

A lot has happened since my last post.  I'm sad that I didn't post anything in between then and now.

Our relationship has taken a turn that I knew one day was going to happen but I guess I didn't expect for it to be like this. I wanted him to be in my life for a lifetime but I guess he is a seasonal friend.  I thought he was the one.  I wanted him to be the one.  I'm so confused on what needs to happen.  I can finally say that I'm no longer in love with him.  Yes, I love him and care for him still. Truthfully, there is still that hope, tiny as it may be that something will change and we could be together but...

So many questions but do I really need to know the answer.  I'm going to keep this post short because I don't want to regret writing something out of emotions. My love for him is and was real.  I've been heart broken for 3yrs, enough is enough.  You can't make someone love you who doesn't.  I never was his type but I hung on to how he made me feel the first few months of our friendship.  It felt real, it seemed reciprocated but I guess it was all a trick of the enemy.

These past 2 weeks have been painful, confusing, detrimental, and eye opening.  I'm so grateful to one of my long time friends and sister from another mister who has seen me through these past couple of weeks.  I wanted to die and if I was strong enough I would have actually done it. As I'm crying my eyes out, because I want to write what I'm thinking.  I shouldn't care but I guess that's why I lost.

Today I felt probably the most at peace of the thought of saying good-bye.  I feel so stupid and weak not being able to just cut ties and walk away.  A best friend should never be treated like this, I shouldn't be treated like this but yet I continue to put myself in a situation that I keep getting hurt.

He is all I have in this city that I strongly dislike.  I'm learning to go back and do things by myself.  It's not as fun but it's okay. I can survive.  I need to focus my relationship more on God and loving me for me.  I realizing more and more that if I don't love me for me, no one else will.  This is a hard lesson for me to learn but one day I will walk in true love for myself that is healthy.

Please pray for him, please pray for me, please pray that God's will be done and everything will work out how it should.