Hating September

I used to enjoy September, the change in season, good traveling month but 2yrs ago, it all changed.

I keep regretting to think that if maybe I told him sooner how I felt or if I didn't guard my heart so that maybe things would have turned out differently.  This song though.  Oh, he knows but he doesn't care, why because it's not his journey.  It's mine to learn out to deal with, get over and move forward.

Two years ago my life changed.  Love took me by storm and because of my insecurities, I wasn't ready.  The sad thing about it is, still today, I have the same insecurities but that's a different subject.  I was in love but didn't think it was true because I've never had anyone love me back.  My friends told me to tell him but I just knew he knew.  Actions speak louder than words and he had to of known.

We been hanging hard since the day we met.  I thought he was like me and didn't have anyone in this city but I was wrong.  I didn't want to leave him, I wanted him to be going too but it didn't work out that way.  I went on a cruise and when I got back, the first time my heart was ripped from my chest.  He tells me he met "the one".  I've blogged about it before so I won't go into details because I'm sitting here crying reliving the hurt and heartache all over again.  I will say, how he felt about her is how I felt about him. "Love is blind"

A year later, in September I might add, he asked her out/proposed.  This was the first time I had ever had a anxiety attack and the worst feeling ever.  There's a saying that you can't be heartbroken twice over the same person but I disagree, if it wasn't heartbroken then I was truly dead.  I wanted to be dead and I felt like I was.  The statement, "action speaks louder than words" is a f**king lie. We just got back from Chicago and everyone there seen the chemistry we had, thought there was more to our relationship, seen the true smiles we had but to him, it meant nothing.

About a month ago, I've seen more of his true colors and it was another painful moment in my life.  Just another moment to see that he doesn't give a d*mn about me.  I'm so grateful for people in my life that I have been telling me this and helping me see the signs but I'm so tied to him that I can't leave.  I continue to take the pounding and invite it.  I know that I'm going through this for a reason.  I may not be able to see it right now but in due time, I will overcome it and be able to help someone else.

In the meantime...I hate that we have chemistry but you just don't love me...I still wanna burn a candle with you.