On September 3, 2013 was the day my heart was fully ripped out of my chest. For a while now, it was slowly being ripped but it finally was ripped out. I have never felt that way before. I'm soo grateful for a friend of mine who lives in Georgia...her prayer got me through. If I had enough guts to end my life, I really would have. I know that's tough to hear but it's real life.
I lost my best friend, the one who I secretly hoped was "the one" even though I knew his heart belonged to someone else. He asked this girl he liked to be his girlfriend and she said yes. I have so many opinions about this but I'll keep to myself.
He was my "normalcy" and it was gone just like that. It's crazy and the more I think about it, it makes me cry. I understand but I still can't wrap my mind around it. I want to say more but I don't want to regret what I'm writing.
This is the worse feeling in the world and I would not wish this pain on anyone.
I could go on and on but I'm not. This pain is deep and I just want to be at a point where I'm not crying about this situation. I've realize the days it's the hardest for me is when I see him and we actually talk for a while. I fall in love with him every time I see him or talk to him. I always feel this connection there. It's so weird and I don't understand.
"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead"
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead"
I don't want to move on and be bitter because in my eyes he's perfect and did nothing wrong. I want to move on and be better. Learn from this and if it happens again to make sure I guard my heart. I actually have guarded my heart this far in life and now I understand the scripture from Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
There's a lot of "I wish... or what if..." However, it doesn't really matter. I do wish that we would have fought at the beginning when we were both feelin' each other. That's what I keep thinking about a lot and it makes me sad. I felt like certain people didn't want to see us together.
I used to pray and sometimes I still catch myself doing it when I'm extremely in my feelings but to take these feelings for him away. I would pray that the memories of him all together who leave. The memories of the good times we had together are sometimes to painful to carry. Painful in I wish we were still at those moments and since we are not, it hurts.
Those were not the right prayers. It was a prayer of someone who had been hurt and the start of bitterness. I always pray for him sometimes I pray for him more than me. One day, I observed how God changed my prayers for him. I love God and I love the Jesus in him.
I've learned so much because of our relationship. I'm so grateful for our friendship and the time we have spent together. Again, he came into my life at the right time. I will end with this video. There are so many video's that I want to post but I think this explains me and how I feel right now. Not necessarily his part.
This is my disclaimer: I know it seems like I'm thirsty for him and sometimes even a "side chick" but believe me I'm not a home wrecker. I want the best for my friend but most importantly, I don't want to sow any seeds that I don't want to reap. Although I fight these thoughts daily...I believe that I'm just fighting the feelings that I have for someone I care a lot about. Unfortunately, these feelings don't go away easily especially if they are real and you experience those same feelings every time you encounter that person. My prayer is that God's will be done and I believe it will.
No matter what I do, all I think about is you
Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you
I.. love you, and I.. need you
And it's more than you'll.. ever know
But.. it's fo'sho
And it's more than you'll.. ever know
But.. it's fo'sho
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