I really enjoy doing things for the first time. There is still so many things that I want to do that I haven't. I wish I had the time and money to do everything this world has to offer.
The Bestie and I went to Snow Creek yesterday. It was our first time. I enjoy spending my time with him. I wish I could spend all my time with him. I'm so selfish with him. I hate that I'm that way.
I pray that God will send someone my way that will want to spend time with me and me with him as well. I just want someone of my own. I'm sure that's an unrealistic pray but I just want someone who loves me and wants to spend time with me. As I write this, I can't help but have tears running down my face but smile at the same time as I think of Jesus. He loves me and wants to spend time with me. Ouch!!! I just wish he was here so we could cuddle and he can physically hold me.
Yesterday...
So just a little upset that I wasn't good enough so I took something for ransom! Well I left it in his cabinet. I should of took a picture of it because it looked kind of funny in there when you open it.
We stopped and got breakfast at a grocery store and he bought a donut and chocolate milk. I don't know why I struggle with people buying me stuff. I bless people all the time but for some reason, it's hard for me to receive a blessing too. It's the enemy. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it. I know it's lies from the pit of hell but it's still hard.
So that chocolate milk was the best ever. I don't know what it was but it really hit the spot. He thought I was being sarcastic but OMGosh, I wasn't. It was some good chocolate milk. I know I'm weird.
We were off...
We stopped by one of the frozen fountain's up North. It was super pretty and cool. It seriously seemed like we were in Alaska or the Artic. It was so pretty to see. A few weeks ago, the fountain was red and the fountain looked like a blood bath. Creepy and cool at the same time.
The drive was about 45 mins. I wished we could hold hands. I like that stuff. There are so many things I want to do with him and/or expect and it's not his responsibility. I'm on the road to healing and it hasn't been easy but I'm understanding why I can't expect such things from him even though I want it only from him.
We get to Snow Creek...
I didn't get a whole lot of pictures. This is actually it. I was concentrating on walking and breathing. It was a lot of fun. I really hope he had fun too. I just want him happy again. He made a comment that just broke my heart. He said, I don't feel like such a loser. It's making me cry just writing that. He means the world to me and for him to feel like that hurts. Right now, he is my everything and I can't make him happy, I can't fill that void, and it hurts. I want to hold him and tell him that everything will be okay and that he has to believe. All I do is cry and pray for him...that's all I know what to do because it's out of my hands and I can't fix it.
I'm so thankful for him. My big fat butt is so out of shape and I had to stop like every five minutes just to breath. My other health issues played a part too. He was so patient. I kept holding him back because he could have went more times. I felt bad.
I really liked going down the slopes with him. Seeing the smile on his face, the excitement in his eyes and hearing his laughter was so worth it. He lights up my heart.
So on the way out, we stop and get a picture of the sign.
This is me before the fall. So I was trying to be all hood and kneel down and fell forward. Then my knee was in a awkward position and kind of hurt and I just started acting and hit the grass and started rolling. My knee seriously hurt. Of course he get's the "good" photos with his phone.
I felt even more dumb because he was concerned. I could tell in his voice and then back at the car, he politely opened my door. And he thinks he's a loser...OMGosh, I just want to scream!!! He is just a great guy with an amazing heart.
I wish I was prettier, I wish I was thinner, I was I was younger, I wish I was his type, I wish..I wish..I wish..
Then the night was ruined...
I won't go into details as I don't want to say anything I will regret and out of emotions. I will say, I will do anything for my Bestie even if it hurts. He is my heart.
We all are going through things and I don't ever want to discredit anyone's situation. I don't live in care-a-lot as some people think and run around with flowers in my hair and singing about rainbows and sunshine. My thoughts are very gloomy, sad, sometimes satanic and unhappy. This is what I hide from people and I try to push through those thoughts and feelings.
We as people do things for attention, especially if we are trying to get the attention of the person we like, that hurt us, that's ignoring us and so forth. We know how to pull out people's hearts and feelings. We can be very selfish people.
When we are living in a unhealthy state, we respond and react unhealthy. This battle that we are fighting is bigger than us and we CAN'T do it by ourselves. I will be the first to admit that I need help, some days more than others. I thank God that he's been my miracle worker and the people he has put in my life.
But playing games with people feelings is not the way. You may get the results or attention you want but you are hurting someone you love and more importantly that love you.
I had to come home last night and read 1 Cor 13. The chapter about Love. I struggle in this area of my life as we all do but it's a good reminder to revisit, especially if you are in a relationship, want to be in a relationship, trying to be in a relationship or just confused. Relationship or no relationship, we need to really grasp the concept of Love.
Confession: For me it's learning to love myself as God loves me.
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