It's amazing how they have songs for EVERYTHING you are going through. Don't judge me. I really do try to get over him and not love him so much. "They" say stay away from him, distance yourself. I have done that, well he has done it for me most times. I hate the feeling of not being around him. There are times I see his true color and do not like it but I love him.
When I'm with him, all the things he does that make me sad seem to disappear.
We went and had lunch today and it was so nice to first seem him. I haven't seen him in two weeks. That's so sad when we are in the same city and that's suppose to be my bestfriend. I don't understand sometimes.
I want to spend every moment with him and I just wish he felt the same way. I just want him to love me, I want him to want me, I want to be enough...
Don't judge me. If I could move on, don't you think I would? I know it would just crush my soul but I wish he would tell me why he won't love me.
As of Monday, September 22, 2014, I'm a owner of a new car, yaaaay! A 2015 Nissan Altima. My bestie today named her Black and Mild. I haven't found a name for her yet. I've been calling her Black beauty. I really like her.
This was her first night in her new home.
Yep, she's posing because she knows she's top of the line!
So fresh and so clean, clean! All praise go to Jesus Christ for his blessings.
Saying good-bye to my first new car, a 2004 Suzuki Verona. We had some good time and some challenges but all in all, you got me to where I needed to go on most days.
Now to make new adventures with Black and Mild. She makes me happy. I feel top of the line driving her.
I'm thankful that God has entrusted me with her. I hope to do right by her and take care of her.
Things happen for a reason and my car breaking down I think was suppose to happen so we could talk. Tuesday, we were suppose to workout. I had been sitting in the car for 15 mins waiting. I couldn't believe this was happening again, me just sitting in the car waiting on him. If that wasn't a sign of where I really stand with him, then I don't know what is. It's been happening alot to me, at least a 10 min waiting and who would do that to a friend?
The talk we had was needed but it didn't change anything. So I write today confused of why did it happen. I love heart to heart talks. The situation that happened affected our friendship. I should of asked what was his interpretation of the situation that happened and how he felt. I think now, we should have talked about it. It was clearly that hurtful that it's ending our friendship.
Forgiveness is a strange thing. I have forgiven him for soooo many things or I will overlook things that were hurtful. I've cried many of times for things done or words said by him but I forgave...why...because I loved him. I have always put him first in everything, the love I had/have for him did that.
I'm sad because I couldn't be what he wanted, I couldn't be what he needed...in reality, I wouldn't want me if I was a guy too.
I hate that our friendship has to end this way but there probably wasn't going to be any non-hurtful way to say good-bye. I'm losing my heart, not a part of it or someone close but the one I thought should be Boaz, the one who put a smile on my face and in my heart, and I could go on but it's hurting my heart just thinking about it.
I loved him...I thought he was the one...Living seems pointless...
I used to enjoy September, the change in season, good traveling month but 2yrs ago, it all changed.
I keep regretting to think that if maybe I told him sooner how I felt or if I didn't guard my heart so that maybe things would have turned out differently. This song though. Oh, he knows but he doesn't care, why because it's not his journey. It's mine to learn out to deal with, get over and move forward.
Two years ago my life changed. Love took me by storm and because of my insecurities, I wasn't ready. The sad thing about it is, still today, I have the same insecurities but that's a different subject. I was in love but didn't think it was true because I've never had anyone love me back. My friends told me to tell him but I just knew he knew. Actions speak louder than words and he had to of known.
We been hanging hard since the day we met. I thought he was like me and didn't have anyone in this city but I was wrong. I didn't want to leave him, I wanted him to be going too but it didn't work out that way. I went on a cruise and when I got back, the first time my heart was ripped from my chest. He tells me he met "the one". I've blogged about it before so I won't go into details because I'm sitting here crying reliving the hurt and heartache all over again. I will say, how he felt about her is how I felt about him. "Love is blind"
A year later, in September I might add, he asked her out/proposed. This was the first time I had ever had a anxiety attack and the worst feeling ever. There's a saying that you can't be heartbroken twice over the same person but I disagree, if it wasn't heartbroken then I was truly dead. I wanted to be dead and I felt like I was. The statement, "action speaks louder than words" is a f**king lie. We just got back from Chicago and everyone there seen the chemistry we had, thought there was more to our relationship, seen the true smiles we had but to him, it meant nothing.
About a month ago, I've seen more of his true colors and it was another painful moment in my life. Just another moment to see that he doesn't give a d*mn about me. I'm so grateful for people in my life that I have been telling me this and helping me see the signs but I'm so tied to him that I can't leave. I continue to take the pounding and invite it. I know that I'm going through this for a reason. I may not be able to see it right now but in due time, I will overcome it and be able to help someone else.
In the meantime...I hate that we have chemistry but you just don't love me...I still wanna burn a candle with you.
