Ready to Leave

I don't know where I should go, I just know I need to go.

Watching him love someone else hurts so much.  I try to deal, I try to be happy but all I do is cry.  I feel like such a bad person because he deserves this and my selfish self is envious of her because she has his heart.

I need to leave, to where I do not know.  I think I could be a better friend if I wasn't so close.  Maybe the distance would help me get him out of my head but most importantly out of my heart.  Truthfully, if I leave, I'll just be out of sight out of mind to him and he will easily go on with his life.  It will probably be me still struggling.

He's starting to mature in areas of his life.  It makes me happy and sad at the same time.  To see my prayers being answered for him but to also know that he's not mine.

I'm missing my family more and more.  He's started reconnecting with his family which is great but now I have no one.  It's hard being in a place where you have no one and I think about it alot.

I'm ready to leave...to be closer to family.

Streptococcus

In other words...Strep throat.

I would not wish this upon anyone.  Stayed home from work yesterday to get some rest and hoping that I would feel better.  Well woke up this morning feeling worse.  I'm not really the type who rush to the doctor everytime I'm not feeling well.  However, I was not able to swallow.

Happy Halloween to me.  I went as the sick social worker!

The doctor had a intern with her who also seen me.  The nurse did a flu test and swabbed my nose and it was horrible.  Then the intern was like, I don't think you have the flu, I want her to check you for strep.

Five minutes later, she is jumping up and down.  I was right!  You have strep and gives me a high five.  I helped boost her confidence.  Anything to help!

I was prescribed some meds and I can't wait until they start working.  It sucks being thirsty and not being able to swallow.  I've been trying but it hurts really bad.  The doctor told me to eat popicles and I have been slowly eating those.

I feel best when I wake up for my naps in sweat.  My poor hair isn't taking this sweat to well.

I've lost 3lbs but you better believe it will come back because I'm craving Papa John's pizza and Chinese food.

Counting down until I can swallow without cringing.

What Am I?

I'm a loner it's so sad,

When I say it I don't get mad.

I've never fit in into one particular group,

Although I did join a Girl Scout troop.

 

We all need people in our life,

Except for me and Lot's wife.

I have good days and bad days where I wish I was in a click.

Just so I can call someone up and say "what's up chick"!

 

Not a true bestie, bff, or bf...that's what I want now,

When I think about it, I just have a cow.

I'm a people person so it's not like I didn't try,

But what a friend once told me nearly made me cry.

It was a compliment and I knew that then,

So I hid my emotions and journaled with a ballpoint pen.

 

 

I've always been just one of the guys,

Never really had girlfriends because I was eating french fries.

I wish now to do those weekend getaways,

I just sit and reminisce about the good ole days.

The life of a loner has it's good days,

Getting peace and quiet and eating Pei Wei's.

 

I'm grateful for the friends I have,

And glad they have crossed my path.

I couldn't run this race without their support,

And of course without the love from above.

 

I'm starting to realize that I've been called not to fit in,

So that's why I thought I was a loner.

I'm not a loaner, a moaner but I'm here to represent my blood donor.

 

 

He gave his life to set me free,

I must show this world he's living in me.

So see, I'm not a loner as it may seem,

I have that flame, that fire that comes from J.C.

I have work to do that requires me to move,

If I'm not in a click, I don't disapprove.

 

Lord, I'm available to you.

Make me, mold me, and even transform me,

To walk this walk with glee but to stay prayerful on my knees.

 

 

Guard Your Heart

Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it."  --God's Word Translation

I've always seemed to guard my heart pretty well.  Matter's that didn't matter, I was good at dismissing them.  However, as I have gotten older that has changed.

 

I've wondered that maybe I'm still single because I haven't opened my heart enough.  I tend not to let people in. So I opened my heart to one in particular knowing he wasn't the "one".  Now I'm in this emotional whirl wind and it hurts.

 

I can't help to think that this irrational decision came because I've been stressed out.  This past year, I haven't been myself.   Received confirmation at a burnout training I went to last Wednesday that because of stress and being burnt out, I've lost my short term memory and making choices that I would normally not make.

 

I continue to put my heart out there for someone who is not mine.  I'm so confused because I've never been the one to have such problems.  Again, I know he's not the one but he has my heart.  I'm trying to be just friends and I do okay until... I don't know how to get my heart back from him.

I do things for him, one, because he's my friend but two, mainly because I like him.  He doesn't respond to my gestures the way I think he should and I know it's because I shouldn't be doing it for him in the manner that I am.  I know I shouldn't be doing it for him but I think that maybe it will change his mind about me when deep down inside I know it's not going to change.  Also, I feel like it's good practice for when Boaz comes IF he comes.

I put him and his needs/wants in front of mine because I care even though I've been hurt several times with my decision (I can only blame myself).  Everytime he talks or mentions "her", I tear up.  Good thing I sweat alot because you can't tell the difference between tears and sweat.  I tell him he breaks my heart but I think he thinks I'm playing but I'm being so forreal.  Again, I can't fault him because it's me that cares. 

In reality, I want his friendship.  Why?  He's super funny and always makes me laugh.  He's so easy to talk to.  He reminds me of a male version of me.  He's non-judgemental and supportive.  Just seeing him makes my day so much better.  He makes me smile.  I seriously could go on and on.



He has so many qualities that I want in my Boaz.  It's so hard because I'm starting to lose hope and I think that's why I opened my heart to him.

This is my prayer...



 

I want to be so lost in God again that these feelings I have for him are gone.  These feelings I have for a companion will be gone.  That I will be happy again single, I'll be pleased with my life, and contentment is reality.

 

Dear God, my heart is open to those things that are not of you.  Please protect my heart.  Help me to guard this source of life that you have given me.  Forgive me for not using the wisdom and strength you have given me to substain from these emotional rollercoasters and irrational decisions.  Stir up the strength inside of me to move past these feelings and my comfort zone and to make a change for the best for my life.  Lord, if I'm called to be single, please help me to accept it and if there is someone for me, show him to me in your timing but help me to be hopeful while I'll wait..  I thank you in advance. Amen.

It Wasn't Me

I sometimes have unrealistic views about life.  Would it be so bad to have neighbors like Flanders or just to be "friendly".  I think it would be fun to do block parties, progress dinner, have game nights, just hang out and talk for hours with your neighbors. 

Well not here.

On Thursday, I got home around 10p.  Around 10:30ish, my landlord calls and says that he has a complaint against me for being loud.  I thought he was serious and got nerveous because I had just gotten home.  Now I noticed my neighbors music was pretty loud. When he told me he was just playing, he informed me that he got a complaint that my neighbors were being loud.  I told him it was true.  He said, he was also informed that it had been going on for a few weeks is that true.  I said yes.  He asked why I hadn't said anything.  I told him that I just tolerate it and didn't want to be one of "those" tenants who's unhappy with everyone and calls and complains.  He said he understood but when there is a problem and I'm unhappy, he would like to know.  He said if he would have known when it first started he could of addressed it then.

The landlord said that he doesn't have a working number for my neighbor and he didn't want to come down tonight so just go knock on the door or bang on the wall.

Since the time I had been home, the neighbor in the house next door,  continue to text me as she was unhappy, frustrated, and tired.  She continue to complain about the music of our neighbor.  Her texts were becoming so irritating that it gave me a head ache.  So now, I have a headache and I started getting irritated with the music.

The one neighbor called the police.  They come out and do what they need to do which nothing.  They banged on the door but couldn't' get in.  They walked around and still nothing and then he left.

Beha was still upset that nothing was done.  She called the police again and they said since they couldn't make contact with someone, they couldn't do anything.  I went up to my room and the music was extremely loud.  So I put some clothes on and went and rung, rung, and rung the doorbell.  Nothing.  So I went back upstairs and went to sleep.  Beha continue to text and was very irritated.  Well coming to find out later, Beha knocked and banged too and nothing.

Friday, when I got home from work at 5p.  Club 6627 was jumpin.  Now the landlord said he understood for the weekend but during the week it's unacceptable but me, it's unacceptable even during the weekends as they could go until 2a sometimes. 

Well the next thing you know, I hear a knock at the door.  It's my landlord.  He goes to talk to my neighbor...leaves her house and comes straight to my house.  REALLY!?

He says Thursday and Friday, if you want me to give her a letter to get out, I will.  Just let me know, it's up to you.  He stated that he would rather keep his tenants then to lose them because of someone else.  Why do I have to make that decision.

After he leaves my house, the club owner comes over.  I was so scared.  She then proceeded to apologize and said she feel asleep and didn't realize her music was that loud.  She said that he said it's been a problem for a while and she asked me if that was true.  I told her yes but I just tolerated it.  I told her that the landlord called me, I didn't call him.  She asked why I hadn't said anything and I told her these walls are pretty thin and that's just apart of living in a townhome but if it were to get to bad, I would let her know or go and knock like I did the night before.  She also said that the police came.  I said yes, I seen them outside but I didn't call.  She seemed embarrassed and apologetic.

She asked if her music was loud now and I invited her in to listen and she couldn't believe how well I could hear her music.  She just kept apologizing.  She went and fixed it and later that night came over to see how it was and it truthfully was lower but I could still hear it.  But I told her it was fine.

Life in a townhome!!

Time Out

I was invited to go with a friend to another friend's house this weekend as they were having a get together and karaoke night.  I had a whole day to think about it and was really leaning toward the no side.  I needed to clean my house and wanted to have my own pity party.

I ended up going and we went to pick up another friend and he had me rollin'.  He was high on benadryl and was cracking me up as soon as he got in the car.  I was laughing so hard that I was crying.  In the hair salon, I was laughing so hard that I was crying.   can't help to think that it was a little release of my feelings.

I had a good time, danced, karaoke, ate and was just being silly. I really needed this time but I will have to admit that I really really wish my buddy was there.  So I can't sing.  I thought I could but I guess I'll stick to singing in the shower.  Karaoke really shows you how much you really don't know the words to songs that you thought you did!

One of the funny things of the night was a cop came and the first thing I could think of was RUN!!  I wanted to yell Run, jump the fence, cops are here!!

Overall, I was glad I went and really needed this moment to get out.  Nice to have friends.  I invited this friend along on a trip and they were having a rough time and didn't want to go but went and had a great time. 

God is good and a sign that you reap what you sow.  Thank you Lord.

Phillipians 4:8: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I Can Make It

My day was just going until I saw him today.  I get so mad at myself but I get so excited to see him.  He puts a smile on my face and everyone in the room just vanishes.  Today as he peeped around the corner, he really caught my attention.  Love the slick hair look.  It really brought out his face.

He caught me by surprise when he asked about the poem.  I was seriously nervous and holding my tears back as I wanted to share but was not prepared. I finally read it not the way I rehearsed but it came out super fast and I'm sure he didn't comprehend any of it. On the last poem, it was helpful to hear that he thinks the same thing, we are drifting apart.  Mainly because of life.  He said, You will always be my buddy.  For the first time since I've known him, I didn't believe him.  I don't know why.  Even since I've known him, I've believed the words that come out of his mouth.  

As he walked out the door the way he did today,
It ended my Friday in such a way
That I can't deny,
It nearly made me cry.
I held back tears and
The words that I feared
I wanted to chase after him but he's not mine
I wanted to scream and whine
He walked out the door and said I'll see you Monday.
Wow, I was thinking not even Saturday or Sunday?

Excuse my words as I splurge on the feelings you just heard.
I felt like crap and really wanted to snap back
What was that going to prove? 
Nothing only that I disapproved.
Of his actions and his response
And how he walked out so nonchalance

The feelings I had for him, I dare not share
But he walked out on me like he never cared.
The old me wants to come out
Only to protect me from this doubt.

As much as this incident made all feelings semi-vanish for him
He's always the first person I think of to text, call or go to the gym.
I got a invitation in the mail,
I wanted to call and ask him to see if he would sail.

My feelings were hurt and I was mad
I usually dismiss people without feeling bad.
However, I'm struggling not to texted him or facebook,
So I've decided to write this mega book.

I let my guard down was it so wrong?
Now I can't get him out of this song.
I chose to take the chance to open my heart
And would do it again from the very start.

It's going to be a process, this I understand
Today with what happened, I believe now I can withstand.
I'm going to be okay by myself
This will give me time to clean my shelf! :)

Things happen for a reason, this we know
I now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Moving On

Moving on is hard to do,
Especially when you care about someone special like I do.
His life is progressing
And no I don't think it's depressing.
I'm battling on the inside,
from my head to my heart,
all the emotions I had from the very start.
If this is what it feels like to let your guard down,
for some odd reason, I think I'd rather drown.
I did this to myself, I can't blame anyone
but for some odd reason I hear Antoine Dodson saying, "You are really really dumb"!

My feelings for him are subsiding
And now all I want to do is go in hiding.
Other thoughts are going through my heard
But I've been trying to rebuke them because the enemy wants me dead.
It's not because of him or anything he did,
Sometimes I just go through these cumbersome times.
It's coming at a time that's hard indeed,
when I feel like I'm losing my friend, my partner, my buddy!

I've thought and I wondered but mostly pondered,
I hope it's not me that's pushing him away,
All because my feelings got in the way.

From my view, I feel like we are drifting apart,
I hope it's not time for our friendship to depart.
They say people in your life are seasons
And everything happens for a reason.

How do you move on?
How do you go back to being strong?
I'm trying to move forward without regret,
Does that mean that I need to forget.
How he made me feel, the trips that we took,
the plans we've talked about, Oh I could write a book.

I'm moving on, that's what I'm doing,
I hope things work out and doesn't go capooie!
I'm moving on and that feeling is so strong,
I'm letting him live his life and I'm not going to throw my thong.

Life is going good for him, he's motivated, happy and hopeful,
I will keep praying that he stays on a positive track
And hopefully he will feel that God has his back.

One last selfish prayer that I ask in your name
that you would please open some doors in my life.
I'm tired, I'm drained, I'm an emotinal wreck,
Some days, I just need someone to rub my neck.
Since there is no sign of Boaz in this near future,
I'm hoping change in my life will keep me fruitful.
I'm moving on...it feels without my buddy.