Writing in the New Year

This song will always remind me of you!

These last few weeks have been very emotional.  I do not want to think about this past year of 2013 and I don't want to think about 2014.

I have been playing it really surface today. But I guess I'll go a little deeper.

I'm know people are sick of seeing me post, talk and write about this situation but I can't help it or maybe I can and I just don't want to let go.

"Have you ever been in love, been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand;

Have you ever had someone still your heart away

You'd do anything to make them feel the same; 

Have you ever loved somebody so much it make you cry..."--Brandy

I'll share the video I made for him for Christmas (It wouldn't post must not been meant for me to share).  It made me cry so much while putting it together but it was all done out of love.  I just don't want him to forget about me.  I guess because it already feels like he has.  Even though he has mentioned that he misses me, I have to realize it's going to be different than how I miss him.

I've been thinking how crazy and this is only my perspective but how we connected on so many levels and so fast.  It feels like I've known him my whole life and that we were meant to be. I know it's the past but my family thought we were cute together and they liked him.  His family was wondering, they might have never said anything to him or me but I know.  Even in Chicago, his friends thought there was something between us.

"You can't force chemistry to exist where it doesn't, 

in the same way you can't deny it when it does."

I feel the chemistry. My question is, is it in my head?  To feel chemistry does it take two people?  Have I made up this whole concoction in my head that I think I'm feeling something when there isn't?  So many questions but it's neither here nor there.  He's in a relationship with the person he thinks is "the one".  So what I think, feel, see or anything is irrelevant now.

*Warning, video has profanity in it* I was feeling this video when I heard it.  I also liked the one by 50 cent too.  I chose this one.

I miss him like someone misses their mate, spouse, or significant other.  Have I been blinded by love, lust, or infatuation?

Love isn't a feeling, it's shaving your balls." -American Wedding (I'm watching right now, lol)

I've been thinking a lot this past week after talking with him last week.  When I seen him, my feelings were still there and his hug, oh his hug!!!  It makes me weak.  But that's besides the point, I totally understand some of the things she's going through.  I commend her for talking about it.  I just learned to love and cried through it.  Then there are some things that make me want to slap the mess out of her.  Don't judge me. It's still hard to hear how he feels about her because it's exactly how I feel about him.  The exact same words that I have written down and feelings.  I'm happy for him and I just want him to be happy.

Memories:

I surprised him for his birthday

Skyzone, I almost died and he got it on video, resting between his legs not to lose my life

He was with me on my birthday in Atlanta (Best memory and road trip of the year)

Chicago trip that he took charge of, meeting his other best friend
Our talk in the vacant unit (miss those and love our talks)
House sitting while he was gone (miss his bed, teddy, and blankets but mostly with him in it; sung him a video song from Ps. was so scared)
He and his cousin made dinner and he brought me a plate (made me feel some kind of way)
He bought me a Snicker ice cream bar by surprise(I've always wanted to try) (it's the little things)

Meeting his dad and other family members

September, the day my heart was ripped out (Thankful for a friend who called and prayed me through, I was ready to leave this world that night)

Our first reunion on my last day of work (heartfelt)

Lunch at KC smoke burgers (man good conversations)

Being able to watch the video I made for him for Christmas (Priceless)

For the New Year, I have to and I think I'm ready to let go of these feelings and heal.  I'm ready to let go of these feelings.  I want to be able to just be his friend.  I'm ready to accept that God knows best.  Even if I'm not ready, I have to be ready...it's time.

"What hurts the most, is letting go

just to let you know, that I love you." --Monica

I'm so scared. I'm scared that I will never love someone unconditionally like this before.  I scared that I will never have a relationship that meant so much. I'm scared that I will never feel loved like this again. I'm scared that I will never open up again.  I'm so scared of so many things.  Yes, I have fear issues, I'm working on it.

"All my life, I prayed for someone like you" -Jodeci

I still get butterflies when I'm around him.  My heart pounds at the thought of looking at his social media page.  My heart started pounding a little harder just writing that.  I want to know what's going on in his life since we don't talk anymore but my heart can't handle seeing pics of them, reading comments about them or anything pertaining to "them".  I think it's so childish and people don't understand, shoot, I don't understand.  I can usually turn "it" off just like that and not care or fake it until I don't. It usually works.

"See it don't take a rocket scientist to know I love you

And it don't take a rocket scientist to know I need you

Never dreamed I'd be so happy and sure of myself" --702

Through all these feelings, I have a confession that I could only confess to him.

I don't know what the Lord has in store for our relationship.  I know that I pray for him more than I pray for myself.  His grandma has been in my spirit a lot lately and I seem to pray for her and his whole family.  I think about his best friend and sister.  I pray God's will.  Of course I want him to stay in my life but I have to be in a better emotional state so I can be the friend he needs.

I will always be grateful for the times we shared, the memories, good times, fun times and every moment with him.  Forever in my heart and prayers.  I'll love you more and always, your #999,999,999 + infinite!!!

The Sid Shuffle: Continental Drift

I was walking down the hallway today and I heard a bunch of kids singing.  So I go to the classroom and this is what they were dancing to on the screen...

It was so cute to see the whole class doing this and singing.

This is my new groove!!

My School District

Today was a good day!

I went to a different school district today as I will probably be in that school district.  It was crazy different that the "city's" schools.  It's so sad to see the big difference of the struggle of the inner city.

Poverty looked different.  I say that because there are a lot of families that are struggling but their struggle looks different than the city but it's the same.

What shocked me and made my heart smile is that the site coordinator at the school I went to today is Christian and many of her staff and they are walking in it.  They have a church come and do bible study with the kids, she gives bibles to the kids, they will pray with them and let God use them.  How amazing is that.  Yaaas Lord!!!  I hope that I will be able to minister at my school and allow God to use me.

I'm so thankful that God is always looking out for me.  The drive is going to be a little but I think worth it.

It's been a struggle for me because I want to step up so many times and say something and when I talk it through with people, my answer is "I'm just going to trust God".  There are many times but God is truly keeping me and I believe the best will happen in this situation.

If you know me, I'm a pretty "in charge" person.  Another way of saying it, a control freak.  Sometimes, I just need to sit back and trust God and let him be in control.  Man this faith walk is not easy but so far it's been worth it!

I'm so Thankful and can't say thank you Lord enough for having me during this new season of my life.  Yes, there is still another area that I'm struggling in and I'm trusting in time, it will work out how it should.

Right or Wrong?

I have so many ole school songs going through my head right now.

Saturday morning, I had such a good conversation and much needed text with the Bestie.  Of course I would have loved to have heard his voice but just grateful for any moment of communication as we don't do it very often anymore.  I knew this was going to happen once I left.

I knew my next adventure meant that some doors were going to be closed.  I did not nor do not want the doors on our relationship to close.  That's my Bestie, my BFF, my Ace boon coon, and my heart.  However, I know that sometimes certain things have to happen in our lives that we may not agree so that we can grow.

The only reason I could think that these doors need to close on our relationship is so that I could truly heal and stop loving him so much.  I didn't really even see the doors closing but me just stepping away.  My thinking is if I didn't see him, that just maybe my feelings would go away and I could get over him and be fine.  Then we could reconnect and I would be able to follow him again on social media's, hang out with him and his girlfriend and everything be fine and "normal".  WRONG!!!  It feels like it's gotten worse.  I want to talk to him more and spend time with him more.  It's crazy.  I think that I've done a darn good job at not stalking him so much.  I have to literally fight every thing inside of me to not bother him.  It hurts so bad and I spend a lot of days crying and many nights pondering.

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, 

relationship we are afraid to take, 

and the decisions we waited too long to make."

I regret so much that I didn't listen to some of my friends and said something before I left on my cruise about how I felt about him.  I was so scared and wanted to stand on what I believed.  It sometimes eats me up but I try to lean to God as much as possible to help me to move on and not let the could of, should of and would of keep me depressed.

I don't know why it's been easier now to express how I feel then when his heart didn't belong to someone.  I know it's not fair and I try not to sow seeds that I don't want to reap later.

This sums up a lot of me.  I don't understand why I'm acting this way, why I'm feeling this way and why I can't turn it off like I normally can.

Then we had lunch today.  I just went out on a limb and asked and was thinking he was going to turn me down like several times before.  Well mostly he doesn't respond so I take that as a no.  I was totally shocked that he said yes.

Let me back up...This morning he sent a have a good day text!  I was in training about I smiled so hard and felt so warm and fuzzy on the inside.  When we first met, he used to do that every morning and it just made my day.  Those are some of the little things that I miss.  Before I read his text, I wasn't really feeling training but when I got his text, MAN, it was like I just had a burst of energy!  I want to cry right now just thinking about how something so small made my heart smile.  That was nothing but God.

So I pick him up for lunch and the first thing he does when he gets in the car was give me a hug!  He smelled soooooo soooooo goooooood *insert obscene word* I could have literally melted!  I wanted to exhale so bad at that moment but had to keep it in.  Real stuff!!!  Anyways, I used to get those hugs all the time when we first met.  I do not take them for granted.  I MISS those hugs.  Something about his hugs makes me feel so at peace in his arms.  I'm not saying that because I like him but I feel safe, I feel that everything is okay now.  I can't explain but God and I know.

Today was the best lunch ever, okay in a long time.  Everything felt so right, is that wrong?  I don't know if I can explain but I'll try.  It was like when we first met, it just felt like it was meant to be.  The two weeks that I hadn't seen him all went away.  I was happy.  My stress and worries were gone.  When I'm around him, I seem to always feel that things are going to be alright, weird.  I could probably be floating in a tornado but as long as he's with me, I would be fine.  I miss his voice, seeing the expressions on his face when he's talking about things, he has so much passion.  I resisted so many urges.  I just don't want to sow the wrong seeds.  I always feel that I do because I know the feelings that I fight every minute, I know my thoughts and I want to be respectful to their relationship (even tho...).

I could have sat and talked with him for hours and it not even faze me.  I did not want our time to end.  It's so sad that we are in the same city and I had to hold back tears and emotions when he was leaving because I already missed him and didn't want our time to end.  I played it off pretty well, I don't think he had no clue.  We are in the same city and it feels like we are states away.

My heart literally hurts.  People may not understand, shoot I didn't understand until I met him.  I think about him every minute, I only cry maybe once a week now but get headaches a lot more because I think about our situation but as soon as I get a text, hear his voice, or see him.  It's like it all disappears.

Is it wrong that everything always feels so right when I'm with him?

Lord, you know my heart, you know my prayers but more importantly, you know what's best for me.  Your will be done. In Jesus name.