D-Time

It's amazing how they have songs for EVERYTHING you are going through.  Don't judge me.  I really do try to get over him and not love him so much.  "They" say stay away from him, distance yourself.  I have done that, well he has done it for me most times.  I hate the feeling of not being around him.  There are times I see his true color and do not like it but I love him.

When I'm with him, all the things he does that make me sad seem to disappear.

We went and had lunch today and it was so nice to first seem him.  I haven't seen him in two weeks.  That's so sad when we are in the same city and that's suppose to be my bestfriend. I don't understand sometimes.

I want to spend every moment with him and I just wish he felt the same way.  I just want him to love me, I want him to want me, I want to be enough...

Don't judge me.  If I could move on, don't you think I would?  I know it would just crush my soul but I wish he would tell me why he won't love me.

Black and Mild

As of Monday, September 22, 2014, I'm a owner of a new car, yaaaay!  A 2015 Nissan Altima.  My bestie today named her Black and Mild.  I haven't found a name for her yet.  I've been calling her Black beauty.  I really like her.

This was her first night in her new home.

Yep, she's posing because she knows she's top of the line!

So fresh and so clean, clean!  All praise go to Jesus Christ for his blessings.

 

Saying good-bye to my first new car, a 2004 Suzuki Verona.  We had some good time and some challenges but all in all, you got me to where I needed to go on most days.

Now to make new adventures with Black and Mild.  She makes me happy. I feel top of the line driving her.

I'm thankful that God has entrusted me with her.  I hope to do right by her and take care of her.

Thank you Lord.

When Dreams Disappear

Things happen for a reason and my car breaking down I think was suppose to happen so we could talk.  Tuesday, we were suppose to workout.  I had been sitting in the car for 15 mins waiting.  I couldn't believe this was happening again, me just sitting in the car waiting on him.  If that wasn't a sign of where I really stand with him, then I don't know what is.  It's been happening alot to me, at least a 10 min waiting and who would do that to a friend?

The talk we had was needed but it didn't change anything.  So I write today confused of why did it happen.  I love heart to heart talks. The situation that happened affected our friendship.  I should of asked what was his interpretation of the situation that happened and how he felt.  I think now, we should have talked about it.  It was clearly that hurtful that it's ending our friendship.

Forgiveness is a strange thing.  I have forgiven him for soooo many things or I will overlook things that were hurtful.  I've cried many of times for things done or words said by him but I forgave...why...because I loved him.  I have always put him first in everything, the love I had/have for him did that.

I'm sad because I couldn't be what he wanted, I couldn't be what he needed...in reality, I wouldn't want me if I was a guy too.

I hate that our friendship has to end this way but there probably wasn't going to be any non-hurtful way to say good-bye.  I'm losing my heart, not a part of it or someone close but the one I thought should be Boaz, the one who put a smile on my face and in my heart, and I could go on but it's hurting my heart just thinking about it.

I loved him...I thought he was the one...Living seems pointless...

Hating September

I used to enjoy September, the change in season, good traveling month but 2yrs ago, it all changed.

I keep regretting to think that if maybe I told him sooner how I felt or if I didn't guard my heart so that maybe things would have turned out differently.  This song though.  Oh, he knows but he doesn't care, why because it's not his journey.  It's mine to learn out to deal with, get over and move forward.

Two years ago my life changed.  Love took me by storm and because of my insecurities, I wasn't ready.  The sad thing about it is, still today, I have the same insecurities but that's a different subject.  I was in love but didn't think it was true because I've never had anyone love me back.  My friends told me to tell him but I just knew he knew.  Actions speak louder than words and he had to of known.

We been hanging hard since the day we met.  I thought he was like me and didn't have anyone in this city but I was wrong.  I didn't want to leave him, I wanted him to be going too but it didn't work out that way.  I went on a cruise and when I got back, the first time my heart was ripped from my chest.  He tells me he met "the one".  I've blogged about it before so I won't go into details because I'm sitting here crying reliving the hurt and heartache all over again.  I will say, how he felt about her is how I felt about him. "Love is blind"

A year later, in September I might add, he asked her out/proposed.  This was the first time I had ever had a anxiety attack and the worst feeling ever.  There's a saying that you can't be heartbroken twice over the same person but I disagree, if it wasn't heartbroken then I was truly dead.  I wanted to be dead and I felt like I was.  The statement, "action speaks louder than words" is a f**king lie. We just got back from Chicago and everyone there seen the chemistry we had, thought there was more to our relationship, seen the true smiles we had but to him, it meant nothing.

About a month ago, I've seen more of his true colors and it was another painful moment in my life.  Just another moment to see that he doesn't give a d*mn about me.  I'm so grateful for people in my life that I have been telling me this and helping me see the signs but I'm so tied to him that I can't leave.  I continue to take the pounding and invite it.  I know that I'm going through this for a reason.  I may not be able to see it right now but in due time, I will overcome it and be able to help someone else.

In the meantime...I hate that we have chemistry but you just don't love me...I still wanna burn a candle with you.

Mixed Emotions

I don't want to say good-bye.  Why?  I don't know, it feels like it's something stronger than me pulling me toward him.  Even when I'm being treated unfairly in my eyes, even when I feel unappreciated, even when I don't feel the love...I still want to be with him.

They say it gets better one day at a time, just be patient and give it time.  It's hard when they were your life, you would have gave anything to be their wife.  Learning that real love only comes from up above transcending down from my Heavenly Father.  I hate that I was a bother or couldn't be what they want.  Now it seems like it's all a front. I knew this day was going to come but I still don't understand why I feel so dumb. My love was real that's probably why I can't deal.  I'd rather be dead then go on as planned. 

Call me stupid but I will do anything for him, even if it's not convenient for me.  I said in a previous post, I'm not in love with him anymore but I do love him.  Tonight I was thinking, what's the difference.  Should there be a difference in my action?  In my thinking?

I got a glide yesterday and he "needed" me.  I felt so sorry for him, he was super sick.  I know how he gets when he's sick.  Did I do it because I loved him or because I'm in love with him?  I'm going to say because I love him.  When I get to his house, I wanted to do more but I didn't.  I wanted to "really" take care of him but I didn't.  I wasn't my place and as hard as it was for me to just sit and listen, I did just that.  I wanted to do more and I think now if I did, it would have been because I'm in love with him.  I wanted to curl up next to him and just hold him and rub his back and forehead. I wanted to get a wet cloth and put on his forehead. Again, I wanted to really take care of him.

I will say, Thursday's actions was because I was in love with him.  I brought some juice over and he was disappointed.  It really really hurt my feelings.  I'm telling you, my mind is so strong and people really don't understand and I don't sometimes how my mind talks me out walking in the flesh.  My mind talks me out of reacting ALL the time.  If I didn't care so much about how other people felt, I would be a ticking bomb.  It's so scary.  It's probably been a month and a half since I've hung out with him at his place with everyone.  I enjoy being with everyone but I just don't like activity. I tell myself every single time, you will just leave in advance but it doesn't happen.  It happened a couple of times and I felt bad because they knew what I was doing.  It happened again on Thursday, well I hadn't planned on staying.  I stayed and I told myself I would just leave but at that moment, that feeling of I love him and I want to be around him and so on happened.  I was asked to sit by him even though I think he wanted the other girl to sit by him. He was flirting with her and I tried with all my might to not let it get to me.  No matter what I say and do inside my head to not feel sad or jealous, it tears me up each time. A side note: Two different incidents, he took double takes of some chicks while I was with him.  I've never seen him do that before.  I just felt the knife repeatedly being stabbed in my heart.  Sorry got a little side track, so later on that night, we were joking and playing and it felt like old times again. He was being flirtatious but I had to tell myself, this is NOT how he is feeling it was the situation.

It's like a game!  Don't play your feelings and you won't get hurt.

Last night, felt almost normal again. I said almost, haha!  We went to the movies to go see TMNT.  Two thumbs up by the way.

I think time away really helped me to detach as well as being treated the way I was.  It hurt and still hurts thinking about it but I guess this is what needed to happen for me to un-attach myself.  I knew it was going to happen but I didn't think it would be so painful.  Main reason why I want to leave this place.  Maybe I wouldn't be so jealous as he lives his life and crushes/likes/loves on other girls.

I miss my friend and I pray that God's will be done in our relationship.

Hollywood

Life has been so surreal.

I'm heading to Hollywood, California!!!

I sat in the back of the vehicle.  I was kind of nervous about it because I don't like being in closed confinement but I was okay in the back. I wished he was in the back with me so I could of laid on him. I know, silly me, he's not mine.

    

There were beautiful mountains all the way there.  The sunrise was so pretty.  We stopped at a rest area, see the sign:

    

A very different sign huh?!  Definitely not your usual sign.

    

Due to the drug core tel, there was border patrol between Arizona and California.  How crazy is that in the United States.  It was actually closed when we went through which is unusual.

When we got there and it took us about 5hrs, we went straight to Erick's apartment.  I should have taken pictures but his apartment was $1100 and it came with parking.  Right outside of his apartment, you could see the Hollywood sign.

Erick was super nice.  He showed us around Los Angles and Hollywood.  He had lived everywhere and survived.  Erick is Garee and LaShell's older brother.

The hotel was in a good location and nice.  I was really mad that I couldn't sleep with my buddy. I knew the sleeping arrangements were going to be difficult but I try to just go with the flow. I didn't feel good at all, so sleeping was not going to be an option clearly.  They wanted the air on but no one wanted to sleep next to the air.  Usually I don't mind but since I wasn't feeling good.  It wasn't a good option.  In the middle of the night, I noticed Garee in a chair looking really uncomfortable, so I woke her up and told her her to lay down.  I slept in the desk chair.  

I know this is lame but the highlight of the whole trip or close enough was the neck massage from my bestie.  OM to the Gosh!!!  I might have mentioned in another post, that I have two herniated disc in the spine of my neck.  It was recommended that I have surgery to correct the problem or go to a chiropractor and purchase a $150 pillow.  So I had kind of rigged up my own pillow and it would work every now and then.  If I lay down wrong or sleep wrong, it gives me the worst headache in the world and my neck hurts.  Well the week before the trip, I started having problems.  There really isn't much they can do but give me a shot, muscle relaxers don't help.  

So I asked the Bestie if he could massage my neck and he did.  Again, OM to the Gosh!!!  The best massage in the world.  You know they are good when they can put you to sleep and I had started drooling.  I had moaned a couple of times but really tried to keep that in.  It felt great!  His wife is going to be one blessed woman.  Since the massage, my neck has been feeling better.  He has the magic touch.

Back to the trip, my bad...

So we walked Hollywood Blvd. and seen the stars on the ground.  I couldn't believe it.  The street was super crowded with tourist, street artist, security and more, so it was hard to get pictures and what not.

Then it was time to leave.  So sad.  The weather and company was nice.  Back to Arizona we went.

**Found this draft in my box**

Black Rose

My Bestie gave me a Black rose on Valentine's Day.  It meant the world to me.  The gift was so him.  If you know him, it was something I would picture him getting for anyone. I'm blessed that he thought of me.

As he hands it to me, he says, a black rose means more than just death. It has other meanings.

I wanted to cry because this is the first time that I have ever gotten anything from the opposite sex for Valentine's Day (that wasn't from my dad).  I will cherish the gift and memory forever.

It's things like this that make it hard to not love him.  Nope it's not about the gift but the giver. These are the thoughtful things he does that make me fall more and more in love with him.  The Jesus in me loves the Jesus in him.

The black rose can symbolize strength, courage, resistance, the beginning of new things or a journey into unexplored territory.  It inspires confidence and enthusiasm by signaling the birth of a new era of hope and joy. 

I'm taking my gift with joy of all the good things it symbolizes.  

**This was the draft sitting in my box**

Turning Point

A lot has happened since my last post.  I'm sad that I didn't post anything in between then and now.

Our relationship has taken a turn that I knew one day was going to happen but I guess I didn't expect for it to be like this. I wanted him to be in my life for a lifetime but I guess he is a seasonal friend.  I thought he was the one.  I wanted him to be the one.  I'm so confused on what needs to happen.  I can finally say that I'm no longer in love with him.  Yes, I love him and care for him still. Truthfully, there is still that hope, tiny as it may be that something will change and we could be together but...

So many questions but do I really need to know the answer.  I'm going to keep this post short because I don't want to regret writing something out of emotions. My love for him is and was real.  I've been heart broken for 3yrs, enough is enough.  You can't make someone love you who doesn't.  I never was his type but I hung on to how he made me feel the first few months of our friendship.  It felt real, it seemed reciprocated but I guess it was all a trick of the enemy.

These past 2 weeks have been painful, confusing, detrimental, and eye opening.  I'm so grateful to one of my long time friends and sister from another mister who has seen me through these past couple of weeks.  I wanted to die and if I was strong enough I would have actually done it. As I'm crying my eyes out, because I want to write what I'm thinking.  I shouldn't care but I guess that's why I lost.

Today I felt probably the most at peace of the thought of saying good-bye.  I feel so stupid and weak not being able to just cut ties and walk away.  A best friend should never be treated like this, I shouldn't be treated like this but yet I continue to put myself in a situation that I keep getting hurt.

He is all I have in this city that I strongly dislike.  I'm learning to go back and do things by myself.  It's not as fun but it's okay. I can survive.  I need to focus my relationship more on God and loving me for me.  I realizing more and more that if I don't love me for me, no one else will.  This is a hard lesson for me to learn but one day I will walk in true love for myself that is healthy.

Please pray for him, please pray for me, please pray that God's will be done and everything will work out how it should.

A Kiss on the Forehead

More to come

I Finally Made it to Phoenix

So this weekend, I went to Phoenix, Az and Hollywood/Los Angeles California.

I've always wanted to go to Arizona.  Especially the Grand Canyon.  I didn't get to the Canyon this time but I will one day.

People always talk about Arizona's sunsets, deserts, hot weather, mountains and so much more.  I just couldn't wait to experience "the life".  I just knew it was going to be beautiful and I wasn't disappointed.

I went out with some acquaintances before my trip and I shared where I was going and they ask why I wanted to go to Phoenix?  Um, really?  They told me that there is nothing there and it's just dusty and only people with money have grass because they can afford to get grass laid. They tell me not to drink the water.

Man, some people know how to put a damper on your day.  Kind of funny, I heard them but I wasn't listening and it didn't rain on my parade.

I had been nervous the whole time about the trip and really hadn't gotten excited until the night before my flight and I stayed over my Bestie's house.  Okay, the highlight for me was that I got to stay over my Bestie's house in his bed with him. Man, I wish he had feelings for me, sure sucks but anyways. He got a haircut for the trip and it was super sexy. I really liked it.  At that moment, looking at his new haircut, I was reminded why I loved short, clean cut, do's on dudes.  Being in KC, you forgot who you are and get accustom to city living.  Well, I feel like I did.  But his haircut made me want to throw my...at him.

I got over to his house around 11:30p and we went to bed around Midnight to get up at 3a to catch our flight. I would have made it to his house sooner but I had shaved my legs and I couldn't get them to stop bleeding. That's a whole different story.

On top of bleeding everywhere, I had started to not feel very well. I thought it was just allergies and nerves.  Then my neck issue started to flare up again.  Why me Lawd, Why!!!! I will say that when I was laying next to him, I felt okay. It's crazy how he still makes everything feel better when I'm not in the best of moods or feeling well. Ugh!

I was super excited and wide awake and so ready for this trip with my Bestie.  It was my first time!!! Woot, woot!

Friday started off great when he went and paid for my gas and surprised me with a Valentine's black rose (this will be a different blog). Oh I wanted to kiss him because I was so full of gratitude.  Man, if he was mine, let's just say a wake up call would have happened.

Now to the airport.  We were at the airport so early that the gates weren't open yet.  How wild is that. This was the first time I've gotten to fly with him. Omgosh! I was so pumped and he was so tired. I'm sure I was getting on his nerves because I just wanted to keep taking pictures and he finally was like okay kind of like let's get these pics over with so you can let me sleep.

This is us on the bus that takes us from the parking lot to the terminal. Good morning er'body!

    

This was the pic that he was like, let's do this because I was bugging the mess out of him. Ugh, I have such a fat face.  I hate it.

This is what he wanted to do is sleep.  This is where my heart was happy, next to him. Even more content, sleeping next to him. My SHB and MTB!!! Always my C.D.

The sky was so beautiful in the morning.  Taking pics with your phone, you sometimes don't get the best quality.  So sorry in advance.

    

I wish I had a quality camera.  As soon as I stepped off the airplane, it was so beautiful.  Mountains, palm trees, cactus' and more. It was so surreal.

                     

This is Camel back mountain                                 Pretty mountains everywhere

At Garee's them apartment

It was great weather to go for a walk or just to be outside.  So I went for a stroll and took some pics of cactus' and my feet in the beautiful green soft grass.

  

I got to see where my Bestie went to school, his stomping ground, old job, where he lived...I'm in Phoenix. I can't believe it.

We went visiting and driving around the city.  It was just so cool.  The weather was soooo nice, I could have stayed forever but I'm not a heat person.

We ended our night babysitting his niece and nephew over his mom's house.  That's a different story within itself.

 Yep, that's him.  Too sleepy.  I feel him too.  He hasn't been sleeping well and then the night before we got maybe 3hrs of sleep.  Then being non-stop all that day since we arrived.

He melted my heart.  He went and read to them and when he was done, he asked if I wanted something to drink. I had actually fell asleep on the couch and my throat was ache pretty bad and with my neck hurting, it gives me headaches so sleeping helps me not to feel anything.  We go into the kitchen to get some tea and talk.  I felt like we were parents and now it's our adult time.

He suggested that I warm up the tea and I did that and it made my throat feel so good.  After we finished with the tea, we started looking at pictures.  It's so crazy how he really hasn't changed much.  There are differences but over all, yep that's my C.D.

We didn't get back to his friend's house until about 11:30p or so.

Everyone was in bed and I stayed on the couch and wrote and cried.  I wasn't feeling good and I started to get in my feelings.  Then their other friend didn't start communicating that she was coming over until approx. 1:30a.  Everyone was asleep but I got the notification. She got there around 2:30a and was lost.  I was so so so tired, not feeling well, and sleepy which made me so cranky.

This is what I wrote on 2/15/14 at 1:13a:

I feel like living is overrated, especially when it seems like you're contaminated with an infectious disease, please don't sneeze. The love I have to give I thought was endless but now I'm scared that the well is going dry, that's why I cry. No more pain that's not reality when you're living with a heart that's been broken from morality.  I fucking love him excuse my french but the anger is running from my lips.  It seems like everyday the pain gets worst, I don't know what's worse, living in hell for eternity or loving with all your heart just to get it torn apart.

 So much goes on in my head when I'm on one.  Well, we all started getting ready around 3a and we were on the road by 4:30a to HOLLYWOOD, CALI!!!!!!

Do You Know What Day It Is?

A snow day!!!

This is my third day of a snow day and I have one tomorrow.  Means I work from home.  It's soo nice being able to work from home.  I wish I would have brought my calendar home and some other things that I could have worked on.

I'm so Thankful for this time.  This has been such a blessing.  

The down side of everything is, I have gained 10 lbs.  All I've been doing is eating.  I shouldn't of went to the store.  A week before my Arizona trip, sucks to be me.  It's all good.  

I went outside to check out the view from the snow storm.  Roughly 12-13 inches of snow.  Silly me I did not park on the street.  I was banking on having a snow day for the rest of the week but I got a little scared because the news said and looked like they were getting cleared pretty quickly.

I don't just have time or in the position to call in with my new job and all.  Even if school is cancelled, I have a meeting on Friday and I will probably have to be there.  The job still goes on even if school is cancelled.

I got up this morning around 10:30a and started the fun task of getting me to the street.  This was after an hour of shoveling.  So note to self next time, make sure you check the rock salt.  It was completely hard and I had to beat it again the house.  I was tired but I felt like I was making progress even though it didn't look like it.

This is my 'tude face!!! Yes, shoveling snow is a good stress reliever.  I realized that I need some more peppy songs on my Ipod.  I had it on shuffle but it kept playing the sappy love songs that made me think of him and I wanted to cry but I just took it out on the snow.  Even though I had my headphones on, I did a lot of thinking.

I came back out around 2p and I sure didn't want to.  I wanted a nap but all I was thinking was I might have to go in so I have to get my car out.  Also, this 10 lbs that I gained.  I needed to burn calories.  And low and behold, 2hrs later. I made it to the top.  I pretty much did it all by myself.

Now, I will admit, I was thinking while shoveling, Where is Boaz?! Yes, it would be nice for him to do this but I was thinking this would have been a good activity for us to do together.  I would help him as I know the struggle and then I would make us some hot chocolate and take care of him.

My neighbor Shannon came out and helped me do the top portion and crack ice.  I tried getting up the hill but was not getting any traction.  So we broke a lot of the ice and "I started at the bottom and now I'm here".  One of my neighbors, we called him Nice Mike came and helped shovel the top part too and a spot on the road.  

Shoveling snow is a good neighbor bonding time.

Yesterday during the snow, guess what I made? 

Snow Ice Cream

4 cups of Fresh Snow (not the yellow stuff)

1 cup of Milk (I used chocolate milk)

1/4 cup of Sugar

1 tsp of Vanilla

Stir and tada!!  I did put in the freezer to harden up just a little.  But not bad at all.

I wished my Bestie was here so we could have done it together.  I think he would have liked it.  It would have been a good memory getter too.  Oh well.

I wish he was here so we could cuddle.  Even though he won't cuddle with me but I still just hope.

I am now medicated and under blankets.  Excited about being home again tomorrow.

Stop Pimpin' Your Heart

Okay, this is completely on a different note but I needed to add...

This dude is so freakin' fine!!!  Pictures like this is why I can't get over him.  He looks like a famous person.  Well he's famous to me, I would throw my...at him any day.  You better get his autograph quick because it's going to be worth money one day.  He is so sexy and any woman would be lucky to have his heart.  Yes, he has the outer package but his soul is just as beautiful.  I fell in love with his inner being and only God can help me to get over him and move on.  As much as I don't want to because he was the first person that ever made me feel beautiful and I believed him when he would tell me.  He exemplifies what unconditional love is and I experienced that because of him and it was amazing.

So for a while now, I've been feeling so lonely.  I don't have many friends, I live the life of a loner.  That's kind of been almost my whole life.  There are moments that I wish I had a lot of friends but when I'm given the option, I would rather just stay at home and chill.  I wish I was living in my other apartments so I could host people at my place.

Lately, I feel like I don't have anyone.  There is the saying of to have friends, you need to be a friend.  Maybe I'm not being a good enough friend.  I will admit, thinking about it now, I do half step but it's because I feel like the people I talk to are "needy".  I feel like all they want to talk about is them and their situation.  When I try to talk about what's going on in my life, they just listen enough so they can respond about how they can relate and go back to them.  It's frustrating but in the same matter I don't mind listening to other people and I tend to not talk about me much anyway.  But it just seems so one-way to me.

The people that I feel like genuinely listen, I don't talk to them everyday like I want to and then I feel like I'm just one-way to them.  It's so nice to have people who are willing to listen that I feel like that's all I do is talk about me.  I know I'm sounding hypocritical right now. The thing is, the people that I talk to that are needy have other people that care and they talk to just the same.  I don't.

Like my Baby Daddy up there..okay, my Mista..alright, I'll quit playing my Bestie, I talk his ear off all the time.  He allows me to talk and I'm sure I talk his ear off.  I wish I could talk to him everyday but I don't get that opportunity.

That could also be my problem too.  See I want that friendship that I talk to someone everyday but then again, I had that with certain people and it was kind of getting on my nerves.  So I don't know what I want and need.

I've come to the conclusion today that when I get to a point like I am right now, the feeling of having no one in my life to depend on.  It means I need to refocus on Jesus.

I feel like I've been pimpin' out my heart for love.  I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.  I really want Mista to love me but he can't.  Even though I love him, it will not be reciprocated the way I need for it to be in my life to be happy.  I do things things for other people and go places even when I sometimes don't want to but that's not filling.  I feel like I'm not loved which brings on inappropriate thoughts lately.  

It's time for me to start seeking God.  He is the only one that really wants my heart and loves me the way that I need to be loved right now.  He will give me the desires of my heart once I'm ready and right now, I'm not in a healthy place.

I need to learn to love me for me and to see me as being beautiful.  I can't allow someone to love me when I don't believe that I deserve to be loved.

Snowy Mountain

I really enjoy doing things for the first time.  There is still so many things that I want to do that I haven't.  I wish I had the time and money to do everything this world has to offer.

The Bestie and I went to Snow Creek yesterday.  It was our first time.  I enjoy spending my time with him.  I wish I could spend all my time with him.  I'm so selfish with him.  I hate that I'm that way.

I pray that God will send someone my way that will want to spend time with me and me with him as well.  I just want someone of my own.  I'm sure that's an unrealistic pray but I just want someone who loves me and wants to spend time with me.  As I write this, I can't help but have tears running down my face but smile at the same time as I think of Jesus.  He loves me and wants to spend time with me.  Ouch!!!  I just wish he was here so we could cuddle and he can physically hold me.

Yesterday...

So just a little upset that I wasn't good enough so I took something for ransom!  Well I left it in his cabinet.  I should of took a picture of it because it looked kind of funny in there when you open it.

We stopped and got breakfast at a grocery store and he bought a donut and chocolate milk.  I don't know why I struggle with people buying me stuff.  I bless people all the time but for some reason, it's hard for me to receive a blessing too.  It's the enemy.  I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.  I know it's lies from the pit of hell but it's still hard.

So that chocolate milk was the best ever.  I don't know what it was but it really hit the spot.  He thought I was being sarcastic but OMGosh, I wasn't.  It was some good chocolate milk.  I know I'm weird.  

We were off...

We stopped by one of the frozen fountain's up North.  It was super pretty and cool.  It seriously seemed like we were in Alaska or the Artic.  It was so pretty to see.  A few weeks ago, the fountain was red and the fountain looked like a blood bath.  Creepy and cool at the same time.

The drive was about 45 mins.  I wished we could hold hands.  I like that stuff.  There are so many things I want to do with him and/or expect and it's not his responsibility.  I'm on the road to healing and it hasn't been easy but I'm understanding why I can't expect such things from him even though I want it only from him.

We get to Snow Creek...

        

       

I didn't get a whole lot of pictures.  This is actually it.  I was concentrating on walking and breathing.  It was a lot of fun.  I really hope he had fun too.  I just want him happy again.  He made a comment that just broke my heart.  He said, I don't feel like such a loser.  It's making me cry just writing that.  He means the world to me and for him to feel like that hurts.  Right now, he is my everything and I can't make him happy, I can't fill that void, and it hurts. I want to hold him and tell him that everything will be okay and that he has to believe. All I do is cry and pray for him...that's all I know what to do because it's out of my hands and I can't fix it.

I'm so thankful for him.  My big fat butt is so out of shape and I had to stop like every five minutes just to breath.  My other health issues played a part too.  He was so patient.  I kept holding him back because he could have went more times.  I felt bad.

I really liked going down the slopes with him.  Seeing the smile on his face, the excitement in his eyes and hearing his laughter was so worth it.  He lights up my heart.

So on the way out, we stop and get a picture of the sign.

This is me before the fall.  So I was trying to be all hood and kneel down and fell forward.  Then my knee was in a awkward position and kind of hurt and I just started acting and hit the grass and started rolling.  My knee seriously hurt.  Of course he get's the "good" photos with his phone.  

I felt even more dumb because he was concerned.  I could tell in his voice and then back at the car, he politely opened my door.  And he thinks he's a loser...OMGosh, I just want to scream!!!  He is just a great guy with an amazing heart.  

I wish I was prettier, I wish I was thinner, I was I was younger, I wish I was his type, I wish..I wish..I wish..

Then the night was ruined...

I won't go into details as I don't want to say anything I will regret and out of emotions.  I will say, I will do anything for my Bestie even if it hurts.  He is my heart.

We all are going through things and I don't ever want to discredit anyone's situation.  I don't live in care-a-lot as some people think and run around with flowers in my hair and singing about rainbows and sunshine.  My thoughts are very gloomy, sad, sometimes satanic and unhappy.  This is what I hide from people and I try to push through those thoughts and feelings.

We as people do things for attention, especially if we are trying to get the attention of the person we like, that hurt us, that's ignoring us and so forth.  We know how to pull out people's hearts and feelings.  We can be very selfish people.

When we are living in a unhealthy state, we respond and react unhealthy.  This battle that we are fighting is bigger than us and we CAN'T do it by ourselves.  I will be the first to admit that I need help, some days more than others.  I thank God that he's been my miracle worker and the people he has put in my life.

But playing games with people feelings is not the way.  You may get the results or attention you want but you are hurting someone you love and more importantly that love you.

I had to come home last night and read 1 Cor 13.  The chapter about Love.  I struggle in this area of my life as we all do but it's a good reminder to revisit, especially if you are in a relationship, want to be in a relationship, trying to be in a relationship or just confused.  Relationship or no relationship, we need to really grasp the concept of Love.

Confession: For me it's learning to love myself as God loves me.

For Me

Today was a challenging day.  I just don't know if the life of a supervisor is the life for me.  I thought it was but maybe I'm completely wrong.  It's crazy how "adults" don't do what they are asked to do.  I feel like I'm sow the seeds that I planted but I don't know.

I would rather be a stay at home mother, keeping up the home, taking care of the children, volunteering, and the wifey to a great husband.  Well that was my dream but I'm too old to be dreaming non-sense now.

I'm just so drained today.  I'm tired of being strong for everyone, helping everyone, trying to figure out things for others and so on.  I just want someone to be strong for me.  Someone to take away my pain.  Someone who wants to cuddle and let me put my cold feet under them, haha!

Unfortunately, this is the life of a supervisor.  You have to make decisions, be strong, mediate, mentor, facilitate, just to name a few.  I don't want to look at this job as a burden because it was a blessing, right?

What God has for me, it is for me.

I'm glad it's the weekend.  Off to go rest.

What's Cookin'? Chili

I made chili tonight for the first time.  I've always wanted to make chili but really didn't know how.  I've collected recipes, everyone's best practice and still nothing.

Love makes you do things.  He wanted chili and I've always wanted to make chili soooo why not!

He said he liked it so I hope he did.  I really liked it and I'm not a big chili fan.  My favorite is from Wendy's.  Don't judge me.

    

He made cornbread to go with the chili.  Which that was too funny in itself.  Moments like tonight is why I fall in love with him every time I'm around him.  I love that he can make me laugh even when I'm trying not too.  Let me say, the cornbread was really good.  And I'm not a big cornbread fan either.  

Lord thank you for the time I got to spend with him tonight.  I pray that your will be done.  Amen.

Life of a Supervisor

"Today you are you, that is truer than true.  There is no one alive who is youer than you!" -Dr. Seuss

All I can be is me.  I can only supervisor the best that I think I can.  It will take a lot of work to get my staff where I want them but I think we can do it with time.

I think it went good today.  There will always be challenges and there were a few curve balls thrown at me today (the lead, the new guy, .  Man, I keep thinking if I'm reaping seeds that I've sown.

"My staff huddles more than the Kansas City Chiefs!"  

Man, if they quit pow-wowing over every little thing, we can do the darn thang!  Just saying.  Every time I look up, they are in groups, I know they are complaining about something that I'm having them do.  Get over it, there's a new sheriff in town.  No, I'm not prideful at all.  Just playing.  On the for real though, they oppose everything.  Which is going to happen and everything that I knew is coming to surface.

I'm still hopeful...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Temptation

Temptation is nothing to be reckoned with.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Cor 10:13

So I haven't been on his page in over a month at least.  Today I broke that today. I'm in tears right now because I'm upset that I got on his page.  I was doing so well for so long.  I miss keeping up with him.  Now that I don't see him everyday, I feel like I don't know what's going on with him.  Is this what's suppose to happen?  I keep reaching out to him because I want him in my life.  I want to know about how he's doing. Especially during this time right now, I just don't want him to feel like he's alone even though I was just where he was and coming out of it as of 3 days ago.

I feel like I just relapsed today.  I had a anxiety attack and everything.  I just want him in my life.  He would say that he is but not how I want him to be.  The messed up thing about this is, I did okay with being on his page until I went further back and then I couldn't take it.  It's my fault though.  I should have just stayed within this month NO...I shouldn't have gotten on his page.

Man, all my feelings have surfaced.  I know how he is feeling that's what sucks.  Only God can heal him and I know there is nothing I can really do but I just want to love him back to health but it's not my responsibility.

 
Lord I need you.

I thought he was the one but his heart did not belong to me but someone else.  My prayer is that in our hearts, Lord you will be that special thing.  Lord hide my heart so deep in you that I will not be blinded by love but only see the love that you have for me.  Lord, I need you, please hear my tears as my words are everywhere.

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Wowzer!  Today was the first day back from being off for 2 weeks.  Man, it was a long day.

I held my first staff meeting today with "my" staff.  I was super nervous but I felt like it went well.  8 of the 13 staff showed.  Of course, there were some things that I missed but I'll catch it on the flip side.  They seemed pretty receptive during the meeting part.  When it was time to organize and clean, some of them were able to get into their little groups and fuss.

It makes me so mad and frustrated because they do it in plain site like no one knows what they are huddling about.  All these little huddles and pow wow's are just annoying when they do them.  Now the more outspoken ones were not there today which was good.  I just don't think I can handle all of their attitudes and rebellion at the same time.  Even though I've been doing it so far.

I wonder and ask God, am I reaping the seeds that I sowed as a employee?  Maybe I'm not cut out to be a supervisor?  I have to believe that God has put in me the tools I need to overcome these obstacles.  I think this job is going to bring me back to my knee's.  Which is where I need to be anyways or more often than I am.

I'm so grateful for the newer staff, man.  They have been so willing to do whatever asked without lip, they work the hardest and do what needs to be done.

The first day is over and tomorrow we get a cold day off.  It's currently 10p and it's -4 degree.  So you can imagine what it feels like.

Lord, I thank you for getting me through my first meeting of the year.  Thank you for strength.  Thank you for your love.

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I was out living life yesterday and did not post.  I spent the day with the Bestie.  I hope that I made his day a little brighter.  I just want to see him smile again.

There was some sad news yesterday and I cried today about it.  So the Az trip is going to be a week long trip and I currently do not have the days for that.  Then on top of that, I'm trying to implement my rules and regulations to my staff starting this week.  I just don't think that I will be able to make it.  It hurts just to write it and I'm tearing up now.

First, I love spending time with my Bestie.  Secondly, I feel honored to be asked to go on this trip with him and his best friend.  You can have friends ad be cool with people and not be invited to spend time with their family and/or friends.  Then on top of that, their friend to ask for you to come along.  Man, that means a lot to me.  That's how I strive to be. And third, I've been wanting to go to Az.

Maybe this is the year of saying no to the things I want.  It seems to be starting out that way.  I want to do so many things but unfortunately will not be able to do because of the new job.  I'm not blaming the new job because I'm grateful for God opening doors and moving me.

His best friend is just like me, so I know she wants some D time.  So this will be perfect for her.  She can spend the quality time she needs with him.  He needs this time and so does she.

I guess if it's meant for me to go to Az, it will happen. No this is not a pity party as I'm so good at having and hosting but I've been thinking a lot today.

God will give me the desires of my heart as he has so often, I just need to start seeking him for the things that he wants me to do, places to go and with whom.  I have a tendency of just doing and going.  I can't do what I want if it wasn't for him.

He want's all of me. I need to stop neglecting him and focus on him and I believe that my struggles won't be so bad.

Thank you Lord for your guidance and your word.