30 Days of Being Thankful: Day 7-12

Day 7: I'm thankful for my intern. It's an honor to train my future colleagues. I pray that I install good social work values and knowledge that will help her in her future endeavours.

Nov 8th: I'm thankful for the move of the Holy Spirit!

Day 9: I'm thankful that God forgives me with no "if's" "and" or "but's"!!

Day 10: I'm thankful for the communication line of Prayer. There are times when I'm speaking to others and I don't say or can't say what I should BUT giving it to God in prayer, being able to communicate with him makes it all better.

Day 11: I'm thankful for the men and women who have, are, and will be fighting for my freedom. Thank you for taking the charge and fighting on the battlefield. #forevergrateful

 

 

Day 12: On these cold days, I'm so thankful for my garage.  It gives me a false sense of the outside area but super happy that I do not have to scrap or get into a cold vehicle.

 



30 Days of Being Thankful: Day 5 & 6

Day 5: I'm thankful for the Blood of Jesus!  It has so much power and I know I wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for Jesus.

Day 6:

What I'm thankful for...

 

Today was my first day back at one site from being sick all week. I return to...
 

 a 6:30 wake up call to go vote,

26 messages,

4 missed report dates,

inappropriate comments made to me,

1 mom/1 grandma frantic over missing middle schooler which leads me to a phone call to the school,

1-13yr old looking for missing 3yr old sister who walked out of house,

1-14yr old looking for 13yr old sister,

asking a mother of a 6yr old child to leave the center because she's messing with the other kids,

1 upset resident who throws her free items back at me,

137 newsletters passed out,

3 kids going gangnam (those who are friends of my worksite, look for vid coming soon),

no lunchbreak (pretty norm),

and...so on. Sounds about right. And rumor has it that I don't work and get paid to have fun.

Which leads me to say, I'm thankful for a job that reminds me everyday how important it is to keep Jesus first in my life.

30 Day of Being Thankful: Day 4

Today I was so thankful for many things.  It's amazing how when you are thinking about being thankful, so many things come to mind.  Being in that spirt of thankfulness is a great feeling.  I should be walking in this everything and not because of a time of season.

I'm thankful for my vehicle.  Although we go rounds and rounds with all kinds of issues.  It was nice this morning to get into my car and head to 6a prayer.  I didn't have to wait on anyone or not attend because I didn't have a way of getting there. 

I keep telling myself that I'm going to try the bus system but never get that far.  I'm so thankful for my car.

30 Days of Being Thankful: Day 3

Today I am Thankful for:

Sleeping pills.  I'm not advocating for them by any means.  However, last night I got over 9hrs of sleep.  With being sick, it brought on some other things that were going on in my body that I haven't corrected which in turn has prohibited me from really sleeping well.

 

I woke up this morning actually feeling better today.  It still hurts to swallow but not as much.  Yay!

30 Days of Being Thankful

 

 

Boy did this come on time.  I seen on fb people starting the 30 day challenge as I would call it.  Sad to say but we should always be thankful for something each day and not just around Thanksgiving.  However it is a great reminder.



1 Thessalonians 5:18: Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Give thanks in all circumstances, meaning good times and bad times, Thanksgiving or Valentine's and so on.

On my way home from the salon today, I was thinking (I know watch out now) about why I'm not happy anymore.  What has changed in my life that I'm not thankful for life.  I've realized that my "focus" has changed and I need to get back to what matters in life and stop focusing on or better yet, quit engaging in my own pity party.  I become more thankful when I'm doing for others and not just me but doing it with the Love of God. When it comes from me, it will not fulfill that empty gap.

So this time of reflecting on what I'm thankful for has come again at the right time.  My prayer is that I will not just reflect on my thankfulness for fb or blogging but to make a change in my life.  To stop focusing on the negatives in my life and make positives happen.

Day One:
I wrote on fb that I'm thankful that I was able to eat a can of soup.  The first solid food in a couple of days.  After reflecting more, I'm thankful that I have insurance.  Granted it's just strep but the testing, doctor visit, and meds can all rack up if you don't have insurance.

Day Two:
I wrote that I'm thankful to have money in the bank today.  I'm a couple months behind on all my bills and it's nice to have money in the bank so I could pay up my bills.  I work with so many clients that do not have bank accounts and live pay check to pay check.  I'm grateful that my mom taught me how to save and being "tight" with money is NOT a negative thing.

Ready to Leave

I don't know where I should go, I just know I need to go.

Watching him love someone else hurts so much.  I try to deal, I try to be happy but all I do is cry.  I feel like such a bad person because he deserves this and my selfish self is envious of her because she has his heart.

I need to leave, to where I do not know.  I think I could be a better friend if I wasn't so close.  Maybe the distance would help me get him out of my head but most importantly out of my heart.  Truthfully, if I leave, I'll just be out of sight out of mind to him and he will easily go on with his life.  It will probably be me still struggling.

He's starting to mature in areas of his life.  It makes me happy and sad at the same time.  To see my prayers being answered for him but to also know that he's not mine.

I'm missing my family more and more.  He's started reconnecting with his family which is great but now I have no one.  It's hard being in a place where you have no one and I think about it alot.

I'm ready to leave...to be closer to family.

Streptococcus

In other words...Strep throat.

I would not wish this upon anyone.  Stayed home from work yesterday to get some rest and hoping that I would feel better.  Well woke up this morning feeling worse.  I'm not really the type who rush to the doctor everytime I'm not feeling well.  However, I was not able to swallow.

Happy Halloween to me.  I went as the sick social worker!

The doctor had a intern with her who also seen me.  The nurse did a flu test and swabbed my nose and it was horrible.  Then the intern was like, I don't think you have the flu, I want her to check you for strep.

Five minutes later, she is jumping up and down.  I was right!  You have strep and gives me a high five.  I helped boost her confidence.  Anything to help!

I was prescribed some meds and I can't wait until they start working.  It sucks being thirsty and not being able to swallow.  I've been trying but it hurts really bad.  The doctor told me to eat popicles and I have been slowly eating those.

I feel best when I wake up for my naps in sweat.  My poor hair isn't taking this sweat to well.

I've lost 3lbs but you better believe it will come back because I'm craving Papa John's pizza and Chinese food.

Counting down until I can swallow without cringing.

What Am I?

I'm a loner it's so sad,

When I say it I don't get mad.

I've never fit in into one particular group,

Although I did join a Girl Scout troop.

 

We all need people in our life,

Except for me and Lot's wife.

I have good days and bad days where I wish I was in a click.

Just so I can call someone up and say "what's up chick"!

 

Not a true bestie, bff, or bf...that's what I want now,

When I think about it, I just have a cow.

I'm a people person so it's not like I didn't try,

But what a friend once told me nearly made me cry.

It was a compliment and I knew that then,

So I hid my emotions and journaled with a ballpoint pen.

 

 

I've always been just one of the guys,

Never really had girlfriends because I was eating french fries.

I wish now to do those weekend getaways,

I just sit and reminisce about the good ole days.

The life of a loner has it's good days,

Getting peace and quiet and eating Pei Wei's.

 

I'm grateful for the friends I have,

And glad they have crossed my path.

I couldn't run this race without their support,

And of course without the love from above.

 

I'm starting to realize that I've been called not to fit in,

So that's why I thought I was a loner.

I'm not a loaner, a moaner but I'm here to represent my blood donor.

 

 

He gave his life to set me free,

I must show this world he's living in me.

So see, I'm not a loner as it may seem,

I have that flame, that fire that comes from J.C.

I have work to do that requires me to move,

If I'm not in a click, I don't disapprove.

 

Lord, I'm available to you.

Make me, mold me, and even transform me,

To walk this walk with glee but to stay prayerful on my knees.

 

 

Guard Your Heart

Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it."  --God's Word Translation

I've always seemed to guard my heart pretty well.  Matter's that didn't matter, I was good at dismissing them.  However, as I have gotten older that has changed.

 

I've wondered that maybe I'm still single because I haven't opened my heart enough.  I tend not to let people in. So I opened my heart to one in particular knowing he wasn't the "one".  Now I'm in this emotional whirl wind and it hurts.

 

I can't help to think that this irrational decision came because I've been stressed out.  This past year, I haven't been myself.   Received confirmation at a burnout training I went to last Wednesday that because of stress and being burnt out, I've lost my short term memory and making choices that I would normally not make.

 

I continue to put my heart out there for someone who is not mine.  I'm so confused because I've never been the one to have such problems.  Again, I know he's not the one but he has my heart.  I'm trying to be just friends and I do okay until... I don't know how to get my heart back from him.

I do things for him, one, because he's my friend but two, mainly because I like him.  He doesn't respond to my gestures the way I think he should and I know it's because I shouldn't be doing it for him in the manner that I am.  I know I shouldn't be doing it for him but I think that maybe it will change his mind about me when deep down inside I know it's not going to change.  Also, I feel like it's good practice for when Boaz comes IF he comes.

I put him and his needs/wants in front of mine because I care even though I've been hurt several times with my decision (I can only blame myself).  Everytime he talks or mentions "her", I tear up.  Good thing I sweat alot because you can't tell the difference between tears and sweat.  I tell him he breaks my heart but I think he thinks I'm playing but I'm being so forreal.  Again, I can't fault him because it's me that cares. 

In reality, I want his friendship.  Why?  He's super funny and always makes me laugh.  He's so easy to talk to.  He reminds me of a male version of me.  He's non-judgemental and supportive.  Just seeing him makes my day so much better.  He makes me smile.  I seriously could go on and on.



He has so many qualities that I want in my Boaz.  It's so hard because I'm starting to lose hope and I think that's why I opened my heart to him.

This is my prayer...



 

I want to be so lost in God again that these feelings I have for him are gone.  These feelings I have for a companion will be gone.  That I will be happy again single, I'll be pleased with my life, and contentment is reality.

 

Dear God, my heart is open to those things that are not of you.  Please protect my heart.  Help me to guard this source of life that you have given me.  Forgive me for not using the wisdom and strength you have given me to substain from these emotional rollercoasters and irrational decisions.  Stir up the strength inside of me to move past these feelings and my comfort zone and to make a change for the best for my life.  Lord, if I'm called to be single, please help me to accept it and if there is someone for me, show him to me in your timing but help me to be hopeful while I'll wait..  I thank you in advance. Amen.

It Wasn't Me

I sometimes have unrealistic views about life.  Would it be so bad to have neighbors like Flanders or just to be "friendly".  I think it would be fun to do block parties, progress dinner, have game nights, just hang out and talk for hours with your neighbors. 

Well not here.

On Thursday, I got home around 10p.  Around 10:30ish, my landlord calls and says that he has a complaint against me for being loud.  I thought he was serious and got nerveous because I had just gotten home.  Now I noticed my neighbors music was pretty loud. When he told me he was just playing, he informed me that he got a complaint that my neighbors were being loud.  I told him it was true.  He said, he was also informed that it had been going on for a few weeks is that true.  I said yes.  He asked why I hadn't said anything.  I told him that I just tolerate it and didn't want to be one of "those" tenants who's unhappy with everyone and calls and complains.  He said he understood but when there is a problem and I'm unhappy, he would like to know.  He said if he would have known when it first started he could of addressed it then.

The landlord said that he doesn't have a working number for my neighbor and he didn't want to come down tonight so just go knock on the door or bang on the wall.

Since the time I had been home, the neighbor in the house next door,  continue to text me as she was unhappy, frustrated, and tired.  She continue to complain about the music of our neighbor.  Her texts were becoming so irritating that it gave me a head ache.  So now, I have a headache and I started getting irritated with the music.

The one neighbor called the police.  They come out and do what they need to do which nothing.  They banged on the door but couldn't' get in.  They walked around and still nothing and then he left.

Beha was still upset that nothing was done.  She called the police again and they said since they couldn't make contact with someone, they couldn't do anything.  I went up to my room and the music was extremely loud.  So I put some clothes on and went and rung, rung, and rung the doorbell.  Nothing.  So I went back upstairs and went to sleep.  Beha continue to text and was very irritated.  Well coming to find out later, Beha knocked and banged too and nothing.

Friday, when I got home from work at 5p.  Club 6627 was jumpin.  Now the landlord said he understood for the weekend but during the week it's unacceptable but me, it's unacceptable even during the weekends as they could go until 2a sometimes. 

Well the next thing you know, I hear a knock at the door.  It's my landlord.  He goes to talk to my neighbor...leaves her house and comes straight to my house.  REALLY!?

He says Thursday and Friday, if you want me to give her a letter to get out, I will.  Just let me know, it's up to you.  He stated that he would rather keep his tenants then to lose them because of someone else.  Why do I have to make that decision.

After he leaves my house, the club owner comes over.  I was so scared.  She then proceeded to apologize and said she feel asleep and didn't realize her music was that loud.  She said that he said it's been a problem for a while and she asked me if that was true.  I told her yes but I just tolerated it.  I told her that the landlord called me, I didn't call him.  She asked why I hadn't said anything and I told her these walls are pretty thin and that's just apart of living in a townhome but if it were to get to bad, I would let her know or go and knock like I did the night before.  She also said that the police came.  I said yes, I seen them outside but I didn't call.  She seemed embarrassed and apologetic.

She asked if her music was loud now and I invited her in to listen and she couldn't believe how well I could hear her music.  She just kept apologizing.  She went and fixed it and later that night came over to see how it was and it truthfully was lower but I could still hear it.  But I told her it was fine.

Life in a townhome!!

Time Out

I was invited to go with a friend to another friend's house this weekend as they were having a get together and karaoke night.  I had a whole day to think about it and was really leaning toward the no side.  I needed to clean my house and wanted to have my own pity party.

I ended up going and we went to pick up another friend and he had me rollin'.  He was high on benadryl and was cracking me up as soon as he got in the car.  I was laughing so hard that I was crying.  In the hair salon, I was laughing so hard that I was crying.   can't help to think that it was a little release of my feelings.

I had a good time, danced, karaoke, ate and was just being silly. I really needed this time but I will have to admit that I really really wish my buddy was there.  So I can't sing.  I thought I could but I guess I'll stick to singing in the shower.  Karaoke really shows you how much you really don't know the words to songs that you thought you did!

One of the funny things of the night was a cop came and the first thing I could think of was RUN!!  I wanted to yell Run, jump the fence, cops are here!!

Overall, I was glad I went and really needed this moment to get out.  Nice to have friends.  I invited this friend along on a trip and they were having a rough time and didn't want to go but went and had a great time. 

God is good and a sign that you reap what you sow.  Thank you Lord.

Phillipians 4:8: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I Can Make It

My day was just going until I saw him today.  I get so mad at myself but I get so excited to see him.  He puts a smile on my face and everyone in the room just vanishes.  Today as he peeped around the corner, he really caught my attention.  Love the slick hair look.  It really brought out his face.

He caught me by surprise when he asked about the poem.  I was seriously nervous and holding my tears back as I wanted to share but was not prepared. I finally read it not the way I rehearsed but it came out super fast and I'm sure he didn't comprehend any of it. On the last poem, it was helpful to hear that he thinks the same thing, we are drifting apart.  Mainly because of life.  He said, You will always be my buddy.  For the first time since I've known him, I didn't believe him.  I don't know why.  Even since I've known him, I've believed the words that come out of his mouth.  

As he walked out the door the way he did today,
It ended my Friday in such a way
That I can't deny,
It nearly made me cry.
I held back tears and
The words that I feared
I wanted to chase after him but he's not mine
I wanted to scream and whine
He walked out the door and said I'll see you Monday.
Wow, I was thinking not even Saturday or Sunday?

Excuse my words as I splurge on the feelings you just heard.
I felt like crap and really wanted to snap back
What was that going to prove? 
Nothing only that I disapproved.
Of his actions and his response
And how he walked out so nonchalance

The feelings I had for him, I dare not share
But he walked out on me like he never cared.
The old me wants to come out
Only to protect me from this doubt.

As much as this incident made all feelings semi-vanish for him
He's always the first person I think of to text, call or go to the gym.
I got a invitation in the mail,
I wanted to call and ask him to see if he would sail.

My feelings were hurt and I was mad
I usually dismiss people without feeling bad.
However, I'm struggling not to texted him or facebook,
So I've decided to write this mega book.

I let my guard down was it so wrong?
Now I can't get him out of this song.
I chose to take the chance to open my heart
And would do it again from the very start.

It's going to be a process, this I understand
Today with what happened, I believe now I can withstand.
I'm going to be okay by myself
This will give me time to clean my shelf! :)

Things happen for a reason, this we know
I now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Moving On

Moving on is hard to do,
Especially when you care about someone special like I do.
His life is progressing
And no I don't think it's depressing.
I'm battling on the inside,
from my head to my heart,
all the emotions I had from the very start.
If this is what it feels like to let your guard down,
for some odd reason, I think I'd rather drown.
I did this to myself, I can't blame anyone
but for some odd reason I hear Antoine Dodson saying, "You are really really dumb"!

My feelings for him are subsiding
And now all I want to do is go in hiding.
Other thoughts are going through my heard
But I've been trying to rebuke them because the enemy wants me dead.
It's not because of him or anything he did,
Sometimes I just go through these cumbersome times.
It's coming at a time that's hard indeed,
when I feel like I'm losing my friend, my partner, my buddy!

I've thought and I wondered but mostly pondered,
I hope it's not me that's pushing him away,
All because my feelings got in the way.

From my view, I feel like we are drifting apart,
I hope it's not time for our friendship to depart.
They say people in your life are seasons
And everything happens for a reason.

How do you move on?
How do you go back to being strong?
I'm trying to move forward without regret,
Does that mean that I need to forget.
How he made me feel, the trips that we took,
the plans we've talked about, Oh I could write a book.

I'm moving on, that's what I'm doing,
I hope things work out and doesn't go capooie!
I'm moving on and that feeling is so strong,
I'm letting him live his life and I'm not going to throw my thong.

Life is going good for him, he's motivated, happy and hopeful,
I will keep praying that he stays on a positive track
And hopefully he will feel that God has his back.

One last selfish prayer that I ask in your name
that you would please open some doors in my life.
I'm tired, I'm drained, I'm an emotinal wreck,
Some days, I just need someone to rub my neck.
Since there is no sign of Boaz in this near future,
I'm hoping change in my life will keep me fruitful.
I'm moving on...it feels without my buddy.

Quality Time with Him

You invited me to church and I didn't want to go,
I felt so bad when I said no.
It hurt my heart when you said, "I wanted you to go",
but I couldn't go and face this new girl so.
I don't want to share you with anyone else just yet,
and definitely not see the girl you want to wed.

Dinner and a movie is what we did,
I'm so proud that I did not chip in.
I didn't think twice and it felt so nice,
it was great to spend the evening with you last night.
I know we are just friends how can I forget,
as I think about the other girl you just met.

I need to set more strict boundaries which is so hard
but if I don't, I'm going to keep falling like a retard.
I'm stronger than this, this much I know
but when your hearts involved it makes you weaker than snow.

I enjoy your friendship and I don't want to lose it
but if I keep acting like a maniac, you're going to duece it.
As the weekend comes to an end and I wish we had more time,
I'm already looking forward to next time.

My HEART...

My heart hurts because I'm sad,

it even hurts because I'm glad.

I received an answer that I already knew

but hearing it still made me blue.

Deep down inside is where the answered lied

but I played with my flesh and started to cry.

 

He found someone that makes him blush,

when I heard the news, I was just crushed.

I watched as he glowed,

when he talked about her so.

My feelings were true,

I was happy for my boo

because I understood,

how she made him feel so good.

 

The things he feels for her,

are the same things I feel about him.

Wanting to do better, the feeling of being alive

and those butterflies deep down inside.

He wonders if she's the one,

but hesistates because she's too young.

His heart wants to pursue her,

his inner self is saying is it true girl.

Yet fear has control

and sometimes it's hard to let go.

I know this is so true

because this is how I felt about you too.

 

Lord I'm on my knees begging you please

to take these feelings for him away from me.

Let me be the friend he needs

in good times, bad times or whatever it may be.

 

Lord please forgive me of my little faith,

continue to keep me in your Mercy and Grace.

 

Thank you for loving me despite what I do.

thank you for forgiving me for not following you.

 

Prepare me Lord as I wait,

keep me on the narrow and straight.

You are the potter and I am the clay,

Lord mold and make me new each and everyday.

Dueces

Today I closed my on-line dating profile on POF.  It's really not my timing to join a site at this time.  I haven't been motivated to check the site, answer message or move forward with it.  I believe if I'm suppose to open another profile with a different site, I will know it.

There are things that I need to work on for me personally and I've always known that but I just thought that I would be fine.  I need to focus on loving me more so that I can accept love from others.

So right now, I say dueces, two fingas, holla, adios...to on-line dating!

Every Moment

As I spent the whole weekend with you.  I'm glad you didn't kick me to the curb.  For some odd reason, I enjoy being at your place better than mine.  I think because it's so much brighter than my home even though we are back in your dark "man cave".

It's so funny because I used to dread coming to this place of work but since you live here.  I get so happy to come and visit.  The truck to come see you isn't so far but it sure is when it's time for work.

You truly are my bestfriend.  There isn't too many people who can put up with my bipolar moments, low self-esteem, and my other imperfections and still want to be my friend and hang around me.

It's funny how I can pretty much talk to you about anything but yet still get goosebumps over simple things.  We can laugh and play but I get embarrassed when you focus on me or compliment me.

I know you think I just come over to sleep.  I'm sorry that your bed like many other people's are better than my own and I ALWAYS get good sleep on it.  It literally just calls my name once I walk into your house.  If I could, I would get a new mattress but that entitles my landlord to pull up the stairs in my apt.

When I'm away from you, I constantly think about you and wonder what you are doing.  Even though I have a pretty good idea, I don't want to miss a move you make.  When I'm with you, everything is fine.  We can do absolutely nothing and I'm gravy with that.  You make me forget about fb, texting, phone calls and everything else.  It's great!

It's so weird.  I disagree with you alot on so many different points but I don't mind.  I have noticed by just being around you, how much I have changed from the "old" me.  Things that you do that once annoyed me, doesn't bother me.  I do do things that I don't totally agree with but I it's because I like you so much. 

I could spend everyday and night with you.

Stepping Out

Yesterday (Tuesday evening) I stepped way out of my comfort zone and met a guy from a dating site.  My original thoughts on dating sites were first, it's not for me but if other people want to do it, go for it.  I searched for an answer on if joining a dating site is in God's will and thought the answer was not for my life.  As I'm writing this, I still think the answer is no with a but...

I've had a least 5 friends who have found their husbands and/or potential mate through a online dating site.  I have a handful of family and friends who enjoy online dating and have met great friends through their casual dating.

So I decided to take a chance on a site recommended by my cousin.  By the end of the first day, I had guys messaging and/or wanted to meet me.  Not really knowing what to expect, I got messages that was like Whoa! and "Really" in my book.  I decided to be a little more open minded as I'm quick to put the hand up.

The second message from this guy and he wanted to meet up.  So I said sure.  Based on his picture, he wasn't my type but I've found that this is one thing that I don't like about online dating.  You are basically judging people by their picture.  Really only 1 guy out of the 6 that messaged me caught my eye.  None of them are right for me.  I'm no grammar expert by I do believe you should put a little effort into your dating profile instead of using slang, symbols, tons of errors or one sentence.  I'm just saying.

I met this guy last night that I met online.  I thought it was so weird because we didn't really talk online, we didn't talk on the phone but he was ready to meet.  My first thought was dang, can we get to know each other a little first before we meet.  Can we talk on the phone, email or something. But I thought this must be how it is.  So I decided to meet him.

He did ask for my number and had texted me a couple of times before we met.  Which from his text, I could sense his aggressiveness and I didn't like it too much.  He was ready to meet now but I was unavailable for a least a week.  He called to see what part of the mall I was at and I just didn't like the tone in his voice. 

We finally meet and he comes to me like we were friends who hadn't seen each other for a while.  He hugs me and his hands go down my back.  Then he escorts me with his hands on my lower back into the mall.  Now I was thinking the whole time, really?  I really don't like to be touched and you are just being too friendly. 

I'm so thankful for my friend D-riz because if it wasn't for him and our friendship, I would have probably went off with the way "C" was touching me. 

We get into the mall and he puts his arms around my shoulder.  Well your instincts directs you to put your arm around his waste.  Unfortunately that did not happen.  I kept my hands down to my side and we walked that way through half of the mall.  All I could think of was D-riz and how I only like when we walk like that.  

We get to the area where "C" wants to sit but it was taken.  So we walk toward the food court and he stops and says, 'You go ahead and directs me upstairs with his hand and says he will be right up there in a couple of minutes.  He had to do something.  So I go sit in the food court and wait for about 10 mins.  He finally comes up and we chatted. 

He didn't want to eat in the food court and wanted to go to his house where he had food already cooked that he wanted.  He kept on insisting that we leave and go to his house but I stood my ground.  As he reached across the table to hold my arms, he reassured me that he wasn't going to rip me apart or rape me and that I can trust him. 

He sat down for 10 mins and then takes this phone call which was from a girl, you can tell through the code talk and the conversation in general.  He was on the phone for 30 mins., I started texting my friend.

He continue to touch me and rub my arms.  He pointed out all the things that I dislike about myself and he loved it.  My fat, my hairy arms, and so on.  He then was holding my arm and started hurting me and I told him that he was hurting me and to stop and he said it shouldn't hurt and to be still.  He was picking some bump on my arm and it hurt like crazy.  Psycho!

As we were leaving (I kept insisting that he needed to leave so he wouldn't be so hungry), he wants to hold hands while walking down to our cars.  I kept pulling my hand away and since he wouldn't stop, I held him on the arm. 

He talked about how he thought we were compatible and he's trying to keep his lips to himself because he wants to kiss me.  He also said he could tell by my body language that I wasn't feeling him.  Um, good catch, hello you had a 30 min conversation with some girl, lied about what you were doing, and then end the conversation because you got upset.  The social worker in me was trying to help you out because I can see the tears in your eyes, so yea, not feelin' you at ALL!

We get to the entrance of the mall and I told him that I going to stay and shop.  He wanted to know when we were going to meet again.  I reinterated that I wasn't going to his house yet which he still wasn't to pleased because I was making things formal and he wants it to be informal so we can be comfortable.  As he had me so close in his arm, you could tell he was ready to make a move and I ducked out of it and said whenever he wanted to do something to name the place besides where we already talked about.  So he was  thinking to the movies or somewhere "formal" since I'm taking us there.

He left and you could tell he was very upset.  I on the other hand felt gross.  Needed to shower.

I'm ready to quit but  I was told not too and to give it another try. Another friend told me to quit the current site and she would help me start a profile at a different site.

We will see!

Once Upon a Time

Never really ever been the girl who believed in fairytales, finding prince charming, and so on.  I was the girl who was playing football with the boys, camping, picking berries off the tree and eating them.

Thinking about finding my prince wasn't a thought until more resently.  I don't know if it's become by biological clock is ticking or I just now think that someone would love me but have really wanted my Boaz/Prince charming.

It's making me ride this emotional roller coaster and I feel like I have bipolar.

A Thousand Words

They say pictures say a thousand words...Well this one definitely does.

I don't know how secretive it is.  If someone would see us on the streets, they would probably think we are dating or at least some type of couple. 

We've defined ourselves as Besties and when you mentioned that, it put a smile on my face as you always do.

I really enjoy our moments together and never want to lose the connection that we have or make it awkward.  However, my emotions are everywhere pertaining to you.  As I've listened to advice from friends in regards to our relationship, I had feared that I almost messed it up and made it awkward.

But I realized yesterday that we are fine and things are still the same.  As we hung out tonight, I just love the connection that we make.  Something as simple as sitting right next to you just calms me down and makes everything okay.

I could write about you forever but I need to stop now.

Lord, I thank you for our friendship.  I need his friendship at this appointed time.  I know that you have destined this relationship and I pray that you will continue to watch over us.  I know there are boundaries that need to be set and I pray that you will alot those to happen without it being awkward and please allow me to be okay with the direction that you take our relationship.  You are a great God and you know my heart.  Thank you for loving me and always providing.  In Jesus Name, Amen. 

Day 2: One

They say "A watched pot never boils"  Well a non-watched one burns like crazy!

Need I say more, dinner was spoiled.  My friend ate it anyways and was really nice about the whole thing.  I think he could tell I was a little upset and he was trying to make me feel better.

Day 1: Outside

TEAM USA

A little Olympic fever!

August Photo a Day

I didn't do very well at posting my pictures on here for July but I did post them all on facebook.  I've been neglecting this site a little but have high hopes of getting back too it as so much as happened and I really need to express my feelings because I'm getting a little out of control on fb.

I've decided to do my August photo a day on here and give fb people a break from all my photos.

Feel free to join in.  I love looking at pics (I'm a nerd like that)!

July Photo a Day: Self Portrait

It's only 11a and I've done 5 loads of laundry and still a couple more left, watched 5 episodes of Heroes, one work report down and one more to go and a packing.  All I want to do now is get back in bed or take a little nap with my snuggie!

Happy First Day of July!

July Photo a Day

I will be attempting to complete this for the month of July.  I seen this on pinterest but the website linked from is called Fat Mum Slim.  You can share photo's on her facebook page or her shuttercal but we will see how much time I have to do that.  My goal is to get through the month and share on here.

Let the good times roll.

I Cry 4 U

Dear Blue God, I cry enough for me every night but tonight I lay my selfishness down and cry for someone I love.  The control freak I am wants to make it better but only you and them can weather this storm together.  I'm not perfect although I try to be but again I come to you down on my knees not for me but for a friend in need.

I Cry 4 U

Tonight my heart is sadden.

Is it because I let that lad in?

I opened my heart and began to care,

I know some may be asking, How do you dare?

Sometimes it’s not a choice but apart of the Master's plan,

But now I’m on this emotional roller coaster and I’m not laughin’.

Lord I pray that your arms come down to hold him,

And never let go until you console him.

I’m down on my knees standing in the gap,

That’s what you do when you have a friend you love like that.

I love you boo more than you know,

I hope you understand you don’t have to travel this road alone!

Change Position

How do you sleep?

Seen this as a status and it made me laugh.  Waiting for Boaz so we can work on our A,B and F positions.  However, right now, I usually sleep like D.  I'm a cuddler and anyone who is going to sleep in the same bed as me WILL have me touching them in some aspect.  I can't help it.

With my wildness, Boaz may end up like E.  Haha!

That's why I'm an advocate for the air being on high at night.  It gives me more of a reason to cuddle, LOVE IT!!

Stop and Smell the Flowers

Today was such an amazing day.  I pressed forward and went to a different church this morning and it was A-mazing!!!!  I really enjoyed the Pastor.  He brought the Eelogy at my little cousin's funeral on Friday and when I left, my first thought was, I need to go check out his church.  Thank you Lord for seeing ME (looking past my flaws, imperfections, and sinful nature).

Just me enjoying the day the Lord has made!

I'm sure you heard of the play, "I can do bad all by myself", well for me personally that is so true (different meaning from what the play is meaning).  Some people tend to lean toward peer pressure and get into trouble.  I can do bad literally all by myself.  It's kind of hard, I love being by myself but I don't because of the things that I do.

As I struggled with my flesh on Saturday, I'm really glad that God woke me up and I pressed forward today.  Even though I do so much wrong (I think) in my life, God sees my heart.  Sometimes it's hard for me to realize that.

The Lord spoke through the Pastor today about my situation and of course God is on point.  I love how He knows those things that go on in my thoughts when I haven't shared with anyone.  This exhortation came on time!!

I didn't want to go home after the bridal shower today so I made a little pit stop to the Kauffman Memorial Garden.  I've always wanted to stop and check it out and what a great HOT day to do that and spend some time with God.

It was so beauty to see the flowers, fountains and scenery.  I got to sit in the nice shade on the grass and just enjoy myself and think about things.  There are some hotspots in KC and I need to do like I did today and just go.  I keep saying, "I want to or I need to" and I secretly sometimes say, I want to do that with Boaz but tomorrow is not promised to us, shoot the next breath isn't.  I don't even know if Boaz is in God's plan for my life so I need to just do and see the things right in town that I keep pushing off. 

Thank you Lord for the beauty of this world, for showing us how much you care for us in so many ways. Thank you for loving me for me.

Outcast

Do you ever feel like this?

It's not "normal" to tell the peeps you are related to and live 6 miles down the road from, see you next month (at the next ceremony).  I'm yelling, THAT'S NOT CUTE!!  I thank the Lord for giving me that extra strength to handle people in my life and to ultimately make the best of the situation (even though I have a hissy fit beforehand).

I really miss being in close proximity to my Mom and Sister.  Also, my family that lived here and moved to ATL, I miss them soooo much.   I struggle listening to people who have their immediate family here and they don't see them or they complain to me about petty things (I think) such as:

1. My kids always want me to cook dinner for them. I'm tired of always cooking.  They're grown and should be cooking for me.

    I can't wrap my mind around for holidays that you eat alone because there was a argument about who was going to cook, buy the food or where to eat.  I eat alone on holidays because I have no one here and my money is funny and distance prohibits the visits.  However, these last few years I have driven over 10-17 hrs just to have holidays with my family (where I help buy food and help cook...Come on family) and some people can't drive 10 mins.  That ain't right (In my Chris Rock National Security voice)

    Family is important to me and when I have my own family, I want that bond that I invision for my family now. My mother enjoys cooking dinner for my sister and I or anyone for that matter.  We talked about how if she was closer, we could do the Sunday dinner at her house.  She misses those times too.

2. My kid will only come over when I ask to take out the trash or help around the house.

3. I put a sign on my door for my family because they don't know when to go home when they come and visit so I don't open the door.

    Well you would hate me as a family member because I know I don't.  It's so sad because I do this with my friends.  I just enjoy being around them so much that I don't want to leave. That's probably why I'm a nerd.

    I appeciate my friends so much.  I try not to bother them too much because many of them have their own life and families.  However, if it wasn't for them, I don't know how I would survive and still be sane.  God has definitely been my provider and I'm so grateful for the people he has put in my path.  I just hope that I can be as much of a blessing to them as they have been to me.

    I have to apologize to my friends for being so overly.  I really don't mean to be such a bother at times, it's just that you are my family and lifeline.

This is my theme song for MY family when it happens.  I understand that struggles are going to happen but we are family...blood...We should and must be there for one another, forgive each other and make the best of every situation.

Am I Ready?

I'm going to start out in a song.  I believe songs speak to our spirit and can describe what we are thinking or going through.

I wish so often that Boaz was here holding me. I long for the time that we can pray together, play together and praise together.

  I want to grow with you, I want to run to you when I'm cold and blue,

I want to look into your eyes and see the love for me that you cannot hide. 

I long for our talks, our walks and just to be near to hear your thoughts. 

I want to be able to run to you and feel safe and for you to know what's wrong by the look on my face. 

I need for you to understand, I need for you to be my man. 

I'm ready for you to guide me with God and prayer, to make this marriage work for now and later.

Side note:  That's all me right there. I just made that up.  I need to copyright that bad boy!

Man, my thoughts sound all nice that it makes you want to roll that dice BUT am I really ready.  My answer is no.

My answer is clear and it's hard to hear but it's true because I still have some loving to do.

How can I allow someone else to love me when I struggle to love myself? How can I believe that he thinks I'm beautiful when I don't.  How can I see what he sees in me when I can't see what my Father sees.

It's not that I don't hear people tell me that I'm "pretty", "beautiful", "a good catch", however in reality I believe that people can just be nice.  I've always prayed that I would be able to see me how God sees me.  Not just outwardly but inwardly.  We can be our biggest hinderance.  

I get a glimpse occasionally of my outwardly beauty.  Just enough to keep me off the ledge. These are a few pics that I've seen in me what others say they see.  Most of these photos have only been from the last 3-4 years.  I know, I've lived my whole life feeling "unpretty". 

It really is a struggle not feeling comfortable in your own skin.  Unfortunately (I think) it has prohibited me from ultimately walking in my potential destiny and really allowing my dreams to become realities.

As I walk this path of being an overcomer of low-self esteem, I speak words of affirmation into my life.  In order for me to believe what others say and see, I have to for myself.  It's a struggle but all I can do is take one day at a time and keep my focus on God and believe that in due time it will work out accordingly.

Lord prepare me so that I may be ready.

I'm standing on Jer. 29:11.