Stop Pimpin' Your Heart

Okay, this is completely on a different note but I needed to add...

This dude is so freakin' fine!!!  Pictures like this is why I can't get over him.  He looks like a famous person.  Well he's famous to me, I would throw my...at him any day.  You better get his autograph quick because it's going to be worth money one day.  He is so sexy and any woman would be lucky to have his heart.  Yes, he has the outer package but his soul is just as beautiful.  I fell in love with his inner being and only God can help me to get over him and move on.  As much as I don't want to because he was the first person that ever made me feel beautiful and I believed him when he would tell me.  He exemplifies what unconditional love is and I experienced that because of him and it was amazing.

So for a while now, I've been feeling so lonely.  I don't have many friends, I live the life of a loner.  That's kind of been almost my whole life.  There are moments that I wish I had a lot of friends but when I'm given the option, I would rather just stay at home and chill.  I wish I was living in my other apartments so I could host people at my place.

Lately, I feel like I don't have anyone.  There is the saying of to have friends, you need to be a friend.  Maybe I'm not being a good enough friend.  I will admit, thinking about it now, I do half step but it's because I feel like the people I talk to are "needy".  I feel like all they want to talk about is them and their situation.  When I try to talk about what's going on in my life, they just listen enough so they can respond about how they can relate and go back to them.  It's frustrating but in the same matter I don't mind listening to other people and I tend to not talk about me much anyway.  But it just seems so one-way to me.

The people that I feel like genuinely listen, I don't talk to them everyday like I want to and then I feel like I'm just one-way to them.  It's so nice to have people who are willing to listen that I feel like that's all I do is talk about me.  I know I'm sounding hypocritical right now. The thing is, the people that I talk to that are needy have other people that care and they talk to just the same.  I don't.

Like my Baby Daddy up there..okay, my Mista..alright, I'll quit playing my Bestie, I talk his ear off all the time.  He allows me to talk and I'm sure I talk his ear off.  I wish I could talk to him everyday but I don't get that opportunity.

That could also be my problem too.  See I want that friendship that I talk to someone everyday but then again, I had that with certain people and it was kind of getting on my nerves.  So I don't know what I want and need.

I've come to the conclusion today that when I get to a point like I am right now, the feeling of having no one in my life to depend on.  It means I need to refocus on Jesus.

I feel like I've been pimpin' out my heart for love.  I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.  I really want Mista to love me but he can't.  Even though I love him, it will not be reciprocated the way I need for it to be in my life to be happy.  I do things things for other people and go places even when I sometimes don't want to but that's not filling.  I feel like I'm not loved which brings on inappropriate thoughts lately.  

It's time for me to start seeking God.  He is the only one that really wants my heart and loves me the way that I need to be loved right now.  He will give me the desires of my heart once I'm ready and right now, I'm not in a healthy place.

I need to learn to love me for me and to see me as being beautiful.  I can't allow someone to love me when I don't believe that I deserve to be loved.

Snowy Mountain

I really enjoy doing things for the first time.  There is still so many things that I want to do that I haven't.  I wish I had the time and money to do everything this world has to offer.

The Bestie and I went to Snow Creek yesterday.  It was our first time.  I enjoy spending my time with him.  I wish I could spend all my time with him.  I'm so selfish with him.  I hate that I'm that way.

I pray that God will send someone my way that will want to spend time with me and me with him as well.  I just want someone of my own.  I'm sure that's an unrealistic pray but I just want someone who loves me and wants to spend time with me.  As I write this, I can't help but have tears running down my face but smile at the same time as I think of Jesus.  He loves me and wants to spend time with me.  Ouch!!!  I just wish he was here so we could cuddle and he can physically hold me.

Yesterday...

So just a little upset that I wasn't good enough so I took something for ransom!  Well I left it in his cabinet.  I should of took a picture of it because it looked kind of funny in there when you open it.

We stopped and got breakfast at a grocery store and he bought a donut and chocolate milk.  I don't know why I struggle with people buying me stuff.  I bless people all the time but for some reason, it's hard for me to receive a blessing too.  It's the enemy.  I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.  I know it's lies from the pit of hell but it's still hard.

So that chocolate milk was the best ever.  I don't know what it was but it really hit the spot.  He thought I was being sarcastic but OMGosh, I wasn't.  It was some good chocolate milk.  I know I'm weird.  

We were off...

We stopped by one of the frozen fountain's up North.  It was super pretty and cool.  It seriously seemed like we were in Alaska or the Artic.  It was so pretty to see.  A few weeks ago, the fountain was red and the fountain looked like a blood bath.  Creepy and cool at the same time.

The drive was about 45 mins.  I wished we could hold hands.  I like that stuff.  There are so many things I want to do with him and/or expect and it's not his responsibility.  I'm on the road to healing and it hasn't been easy but I'm understanding why I can't expect such things from him even though I want it only from him.

We get to Snow Creek...

        

       

I didn't get a whole lot of pictures.  This is actually it.  I was concentrating on walking and breathing.  It was a lot of fun.  I really hope he had fun too.  I just want him happy again.  He made a comment that just broke my heart.  He said, I don't feel like such a loser.  It's making me cry just writing that.  He means the world to me and for him to feel like that hurts.  Right now, he is my everything and I can't make him happy, I can't fill that void, and it hurts. I want to hold him and tell him that everything will be okay and that he has to believe. All I do is cry and pray for him...that's all I know what to do because it's out of my hands and I can't fix it.

I'm so thankful for him.  My big fat butt is so out of shape and I had to stop like every five minutes just to breath.  My other health issues played a part too.  He was so patient.  I kept holding him back because he could have went more times.  I felt bad.

I really liked going down the slopes with him.  Seeing the smile on his face, the excitement in his eyes and hearing his laughter was so worth it.  He lights up my heart.

So on the way out, we stop and get a picture of the sign.

This is me before the fall.  So I was trying to be all hood and kneel down and fell forward.  Then my knee was in a awkward position and kind of hurt and I just started acting and hit the grass and started rolling.  My knee seriously hurt.  Of course he get's the "good" photos with his phone.  

I felt even more dumb because he was concerned.  I could tell in his voice and then back at the car, he politely opened my door.  And he thinks he's a loser...OMGosh, I just want to scream!!!  He is just a great guy with an amazing heart.  

I wish I was prettier, I wish I was thinner, I was I was younger, I wish I was his type, I wish..I wish..I wish..

Then the night was ruined...

I won't go into details as I don't want to say anything I will regret and out of emotions.  I will say, I will do anything for my Bestie even if it hurts.  He is my heart.

We all are going through things and I don't ever want to discredit anyone's situation.  I don't live in care-a-lot as some people think and run around with flowers in my hair and singing about rainbows and sunshine.  My thoughts are very gloomy, sad, sometimes satanic and unhappy.  This is what I hide from people and I try to push through those thoughts and feelings.

We as people do things for attention, especially if we are trying to get the attention of the person we like, that hurt us, that's ignoring us and so forth.  We know how to pull out people's hearts and feelings.  We can be very selfish people.

When we are living in a unhealthy state, we respond and react unhealthy.  This battle that we are fighting is bigger than us and we CAN'T do it by ourselves.  I will be the first to admit that I need help, some days more than others.  I thank God that he's been my miracle worker and the people he has put in my life.

But playing games with people feelings is not the way.  You may get the results or attention you want but you are hurting someone you love and more importantly that love you.

I had to come home last night and read 1 Cor 13.  The chapter about Love.  I struggle in this area of my life as we all do but it's a good reminder to revisit, especially if you are in a relationship, want to be in a relationship, trying to be in a relationship or just confused.  Relationship or no relationship, we need to really grasp the concept of Love.

Confession: For me it's learning to love myself as God loves me.

For Me

Today was a challenging day.  I just don't know if the life of a supervisor is the life for me.  I thought it was but maybe I'm completely wrong.  It's crazy how "adults" don't do what they are asked to do.  I feel like I'm sow the seeds that I planted but I don't know.

I would rather be a stay at home mother, keeping up the home, taking care of the children, volunteering, and the wifey to a great husband.  Well that was my dream but I'm too old to be dreaming non-sense now.

I'm just so drained today.  I'm tired of being strong for everyone, helping everyone, trying to figure out things for others and so on.  I just want someone to be strong for me.  Someone to take away my pain.  Someone who wants to cuddle and let me put my cold feet under them, haha!

Unfortunately, this is the life of a supervisor.  You have to make decisions, be strong, mediate, mentor, facilitate, just to name a few.  I don't want to look at this job as a burden because it was a blessing, right?

What God has for me, it is for me.

I'm glad it's the weekend.  Off to go rest.

What's Cookin'? Chili

I made chili tonight for the first time.  I've always wanted to make chili but really didn't know how.  I've collected recipes, everyone's best practice and still nothing.

Love makes you do things.  He wanted chili and I've always wanted to make chili soooo why not!

He said he liked it so I hope he did.  I really liked it and I'm not a big chili fan.  My favorite is from Wendy's.  Don't judge me.

    

He made cornbread to go with the chili.  Which that was too funny in itself.  Moments like tonight is why I fall in love with him every time I'm around him.  I love that he can make me laugh even when I'm trying not too.  Let me say, the cornbread was really good.  And I'm not a big cornbread fan either.  

Lord thank you for the time I got to spend with him tonight.  I pray that your will be done.  Amen.

Life of a Supervisor

"Today you are you, that is truer than true.  There is no one alive who is youer than you!" -Dr. Seuss

All I can be is me.  I can only supervisor the best that I think I can.  It will take a lot of work to get my staff where I want them but I think we can do it with time.

I think it went good today.  There will always be challenges and there were a few curve balls thrown at me today (the lead, the new guy, .  Man, I keep thinking if I'm reaping seeds that I've sown.

"My staff huddles more than the Kansas City Chiefs!"  

Man, if they quit pow-wowing over every little thing, we can do the darn thang!  Just saying.  Every time I look up, they are in groups, I know they are complaining about something that I'm having them do.  Get over it, there's a new sheriff in town.  No, I'm not prideful at all.  Just playing.  On the for real though, they oppose everything.  Which is going to happen and everything that I knew is coming to surface.

I'm still hopeful...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Temptation

Temptation is nothing to be reckoned with.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Cor 10:13

So I haven't been on his page in over a month at least.  Today I broke that today. I'm in tears right now because I'm upset that I got on his page.  I was doing so well for so long.  I miss keeping up with him.  Now that I don't see him everyday, I feel like I don't know what's going on with him.  Is this what's suppose to happen?  I keep reaching out to him because I want him in my life.  I want to know about how he's doing. Especially during this time right now, I just don't want him to feel like he's alone even though I was just where he was and coming out of it as of 3 days ago.

I feel like I just relapsed today.  I had a anxiety attack and everything.  I just want him in my life.  He would say that he is but not how I want him to be.  The messed up thing about this is, I did okay with being on his page until I went further back and then I couldn't take it.  It's my fault though.  I should have just stayed within this month NO...I shouldn't have gotten on his page.

Man, all my feelings have surfaced.  I know how he is feeling that's what sucks.  Only God can heal him and I know there is nothing I can really do but I just want to love him back to health but it's not my responsibility.

 
Lord I need you.

I thought he was the one but his heart did not belong to me but someone else.  My prayer is that in our hearts, Lord you will be that special thing.  Lord hide my heart so deep in you that I will not be blinded by love but only see the love that you have for me.  Lord, I need you, please hear my tears as my words are everywhere.

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Wowzer!  Today was the first day back from being off for 2 weeks.  Man, it was a long day.

I held my first staff meeting today with "my" staff.  I was super nervous but I felt like it went well.  8 of the 13 staff showed.  Of course, there were some things that I missed but I'll catch it on the flip side.  They seemed pretty receptive during the meeting part.  When it was time to organize and clean, some of them were able to get into their little groups and fuss.

It makes me so mad and frustrated because they do it in plain site like no one knows what they are huddling about.  All these little huddles and pow wow's are just annoying when they do them.  Now the more outspoken ones were not there today which was good.  I just don't think I can handle all of their attitudes and rebellion at the same time.  Even though I've been doing it so far.

I wonder and ask God, am I reaping the seeds that I sowed as a employee?  Maybe I'm not cut out to be a supervisor?  I have to believe that God has put in me the tools I need to overcome these obstacles.  I think this job is going to bring me back to my knee's.  Which is where I need to be anyways or more often than I am.

I'm so grateful for the newer staff, man.  They have been so willing to do whatever asked without lip, they work the hardest and do what needs to be done.

The first day is over and tomorrow we get a cold day off.  It's currently 10p and it's -4 degree.  So you can imagine what it feels like.

Lord, I thank you for getting me through my first meeting of the year.  Thank you for strength.  Thank you for your love.

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I was out living life yesterday and did not post.  I spent the day with the Bestie.  I hope that I made his day a little brighter.  I just want to see him smile again.

There was some sad news yesterday and I cried today about it.  So the Az trip is going to be a week long trip and I currently do not have the days for that.  Then on top of that, I'm trying to implement my rules and regulations to my staff starting this week.  I just don't think that I will be able to make it.  It hurts just to write it and I'm tearing up now.

First, I love spending time with my Bestie.  Secondly, I feel honored to be asked to go on this trip with him and his best friend.  You can have friends ad be cool with people and not be invited to spend time with their family and/or friends.  Then on top of that, their friend to ask for you to come along.  Man, that means a lot to me.  That's how I strive to be. And third, I've been wanting to go to Az.

Maybe this is the year of saying no to the things I want.  It seems to be starting out that way.  I want to do so many things but unfortunately will not be able to do because of the new job.  I'm not blaming the new job because I'm grateful for God opening doors and moving me.

His best friend is just like me, so I know she wants some D time.  So this will be perfect for her.  She can spend the quality time she needs with him.  He needs this time and so does she.

I guess if it's meant for me to go to Az, it will happen. No this is not a pity party as I'm so good at having and hosting but I've been thinking a lot today.

God will give me the desires of my heart as he has so often, I just need to start seeking him for the things that he wants me to do, places to go and with whom.  I have a tendency of just doing and going.  I can't do what I want if it wasn't for him.

He want's all of me. I need to stop neglecting him and focus on him and I believe that my struggles won't be so bad.

Thank you Lord for your guidance and your word.  

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"The world needs people worth following" --Sandi K

It was kind of a bitter sweet day.  Super excited to see the bestie today and chat with him.  I will just say that I'm praying for him as always.  I love him so much that I seem to pray for him more than me at times.  Is that so bad?  I believe that prayer changes things and he has so much talent, abilities and creativity inside and I just want him to walk in all that he is.  I want him to enjoy the true Joy from God and walk in all the blessings that await him.  I speaking this to myself too.  

I was totally shocked today when I was invited to go to Arizona with him.  It was such a surreal moment.  I've been always wanting to go to Arizona and I can't believe it's happening and with the person I love most in the world.

I'm excited this his bestfriend likes me enough to include me in her invitation.  I'm so stocked but nervous all the same.  I know, I'm weird like that.  I mean, I know them and everything but I just get so scared. I'm so grateful that the Lord always seems to step up and even though I'm scared he makes a way and is my strength. 

Thank you Lord for today.

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Trent Shelton-The heart that didn't love you

It's day two and I haven't done so good.  The healing process of the heart is going to take some time and I know that.  I just want to know how he's doing, I want to hear his voice, I want that communication and I want to be there for him.

It's been a year and a half since these I've been trying to overcome.  Takes time, huh!

"Don't let your past burdens ruin your blessings; old feelings don't belong in new seasons; what's new shouldn't be compared to what's old AND If you're afraid to be hurt again, you're afraid to be loved again"

Wow!  This video tho.  Go and check out his video's.  They are all pretty moving and powerful.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to see another day in the new year.  -Amen

A Little Understanding

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it." --Mitch Albom, Five People You Meet in Heaven

I've been pondering this quote since I've seen it.  For about a month, I just kept thinking.  Well I understood why I felt what I did but I couldn't understand why I no longer needed to feel it.  The only think I kept thinking was because he wasn't mine.

My friend's cousin, posted on ig, "We always want who we can't have...Man, ish sucks"

My response, "And because we want them, doesn't mean we are suppose to have them.  Sucks (meaning hurt also) the same but we must refocus and keep moving forward.  God has someone for you but while you're waiting, let Him work on those areas that need worked on.  Keep your head up."

It was kind of weird, it was almost automatic when I started writing on his post.  I was talking to myself as I was writing it and I needed that word for me just at that moment.  I've heard this word from many people during my struggle with my situation but for some reason, I felt a little release as I was writing it for him.  I wanted to go on and say but this was the word for me, sometimes we can't have them at this moment because it's not meant for us to have them but it may be meant for us to have them later on.

It was at this moment when I read his post that I realized why I no longer need to feel what I felt.  Because I have things that I need to work on in my life so that I can be the woman, wife, mother, and help mate that God has called me to be and I want to be for my spouse.  But more importantly, he has things that he needs to see, work on and understand in order to be the man God has called him to be.

Sometimes we think we are ready for a relationship or ready to be with "the one" for the rest of our lives.  I mean come on, how much longer do we have to wait.  But in reality, there is something that we can always work on.  Even in our married state, we need to work on things about ourselves.  So then you ask, why can't I work on these things while I'm married?  There are some things that need to be worked out as a single person and if it's not corrected before marriage, marriage could end or not turn out how it should.

"Reflect, Refocus, and move Forward"

Thank you Lord for this revelation.  I had been struggling for some time about this situation and did not understand why.  I know you probably got tired of me asking why and crying out to you that I don't understand.  Yet you continue to be there and let me vent to you.  Thank you for being a God who wants the best for me and my life.  Lord as I wait on you, fix those areas in my life that need fixing.  Help me to love me for me and to see me how you see me.  Thank you for always loving me and sending people in my life to show me your love even though it's hard to receive.  Lord help me to receive your love and be comfortable in receiving at not always giving.  I pray your will be done in my life, situation, my friends life and his cousin. Your name I pray Jesus. Amen.

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It's the new year, it's 2014 and I have no feelings about it.  Weird, I know.

I haven't been excited or happy but more cautious!  I just don't know what to expect for this new year.  I'm scared to make any resolution or to look forward to the new year.  I'm not making a resolution because I have no energy or drive to clean up my house let alone make some dyer change in my life to better me.  

Today has just been another day.  I've been thinking waaay to much on things I told myself I wouldn't.  I can't help it  I'm not a side chick, I just care a lot.  

As I was thinking and reading people's fbook page about the new year.  People have been excited and positive about the year to come.  I have secretly been commenting in my head negative comments.  I don't know why.  I don't know why I'm so reluctant to hope for the best for the new year.  The only thing I can think of is because it ended sadly for me.  I can't really say it ended sadly but the last 3 months have been emotionally challenging.  I know I only caused this upon myself but I'm only human right.

Last week, I had dinner with a few girls and of course the talk went toward men and how single women like most of us struggle with relationships and finding good men.  I went on to share (which I think this a lot but have never said it outloud) but I think it's a hopeless situation and I don't have hope that I'll ever get married.  One girl pats me on the back (which I wanted to hit the mess out of her).  I don't need a pat, I'm not a freakin' kid.  I think I tend to act hopeful because people in my life are hopeful for me and everyone tries to be hopeful together but in reality...

Anyways, I come across this post on fbook about anticipation for 2014.  See below...

Rod Parsley

Today I am praying that each of us would have a sense of anticipation about 2014 would bring in the area of personal transformation. I don't know what needs transformed most in your life, but I do know that the atmosphere of expectancy is the breeding ground of miracles! I am praying that each of us would expect God to do great things in us, to us and through us in 2014, and that we would be diligent in acting upon those expectations.

Wow, expectancy (hope) is the breading ground of miracles.  Ouch, all up and down on me!

Guess I better re-check my rebellion, lol!