Cheating Myself

"The One I Gave My Heart To"  Aaliyah

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?
How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?

How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

 

As I left tonight, this is the first song that came to my heart.  I kept singing the first two lines over and over for about 4 miles on the way home and then youtubed the video.

Answer: Because he's not mine

 

 

I know he kept me there so I could meet her but I didn't want to meet her.  I've been dreading this day and it came.  It was so awkward, watching them flirt with each other.  It made my heart hurt and made my stomache sick.  I wanted to leave SOOOO bad.  I wanted him to introduce me real quick and then I could say nice to meet you but I'm heading out.  Oh no, they were so indulged in each other and touchy feely for about 10 mins before she introduced herself.  I wanted to say so bad to them excuse me my name is and I'm heading out the door but I was trying not to be rude.

 

I'm proud of myself because I wanted to just cry so hard but as this song was going through my head, I kept telling myself, it will be okay and then I was so upset that he still has my heart and wondering when I would not have feelings for him.  Then something I heard on Vam Di tonight was that the love will go away once you fall in love again with someone else.  Well, so freaking hopeless.  I don't normally fall in love, like or attraction with anyone, I don't know how it happened with him.  

 

Those who are attracted to me are old enough to be my daddy or my grandpa (singing, I'm not your daddy I'm your grandpa...yep, you sure are).  Then I fall for someone who is old enough to be my son.  Just HOPELESS!!

 

The bad thing about this is that I needed him in my life at the point he showed up.  So many good things have come out of our relationship and I think good things continue to come out of our friendship.  This is just a hurdle that I need to get over because clearly he is completely fine and loses no sleep or sheds a tear. 

 

I hear people telling me that his time in my life has come to an end and to be fair to me as well as him, I need to walk away.  I cannot heal if I continue to succumb myself to his life.  I had gotten the same word and that is why I want to leave here because I think it would be easier to be out of his life if I didn't live here.  I love him and how can I stop loving him if I continue to fall for him each time we talk.  But yet, I need him (that's what I believe anyways).

 

I had an epiphany on the way home.  I continue to run, thinking I'm running away from my problems when I'm really not going anywhere.

 

 

Truth is...my heart hurts when he talks about her on fb or in general, he comments on her posts, when she comments on his, when they tag each other, or just anything involving her makes me cry because it hurts.  Jealousy is one of the deadly sins and I pray that God forgives me for taking on that trait.  I hate feeling this way, I don't know her but it's just the fact that she has his heart and I wish it was me but then again I don't. 

 

I continue to give him what I would give my spouse.  However, he doesn't respond the way I expect because he is NOT the one and he will not understand the love behind my actions.  No fault to him but he's not going to because I'm not suppose to do it for him.  I'm only cheating me.

 

I just pray for the day that the heartaches will stop and I will look at him as a friend only.

 

Deep Convo

The Bestie and I had a great conversation today.  My spirit really needed our talk.  We have these heart to hearts every once in a while and I so wish we had them everyday or I would settle for once a week.

Jesus is moving on this earth and it seems like more than before we really need Him.  Our hearts are ready to accept his plan for our lives but we as people refuse to truly wholeheartedly follow him.  We have these stipulations and rules we have made up for Him. 

 

 

You ain't said nothing but a word.  I totally would if you would allow me.  Okay, maybe not but wishful thinking right!  You are such a cutie patootie that melts my heart.

 

These heart to hearts are what I long for in my spouse.  It makes me long for an accountability partner. Longing for that fire to be restored back in me.  Longing...

 

This talk helped me to release some things that needed to be released from my spirit, mind, and life.  God always uses him to help me through my wild and relentless thoughts. 

 

 

Why does he have to be so sexy?  Why can't he be mine? Just that he thought of me once while he was on vacay threw me over the top.  I cried, which doesn't say much because I've been crying super easily lately.

 

Thank you for our talk, thank you for tending to me while you work, thank you for sharing apart of you, and extending your listening ear.

 

Everytime I'm with you, I tend to have a song in my heart or words come from deep within and I need to write.

 

He always helps but a smile on my face when I don't want one.

 

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!! You know I love cake!

 

"Always"

 



Ode to the Bestie

 I love you

I love your smile

I love your eyes

I love your height

I love your lips

I love your hands

I love your body

I love your hugs

I love your laughs

 

I love how you have a heart of gold

I love how you love your family

I love how you make everyone around you feel special

I love how you make me feel special

I love how you see the beauty in things

I love your passion

I love how you are so talented in so many areas

I love that look you give that makes me so giddy for you

I love how being around you makes me feel everything is going to be alright

I love that you accept me for me

I love how you make me laugh

I love that you "play" and let me bother you when I'm sure you don't want to be bothered

 

You are the first person that I've had such strong feelings for

You are the first person that I've told people that "I love him"

You are the first person that no matter my feelings, I always want to be with you

You make me happy

You give me butterflies

You are my bestfriend

You are the first thing I think about in the morning

You are the last person I think about before I go to bed

You are the music in my soul

You are the smile in my heart

I sometimes wish you were the one that will be in my life forever

I wish I had your heart the same as you have mine (darn sire bond)

I wish it were your hands that I could hold at the movies, walking down the street or when I want

I wish it were your lips I could kiss every moment of the day

I wish you were the one I could come home to each day

I wish it was your arms that I can find rest in

I wish you were the one I could cuddle up to and put my cold feet under

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your smile every morning

 

Thank you for being my friend

Thank you for showing me that I can be pretty

Thank you for listening to me talk and vent

Thank you for seeing the beauty inside of me

Thank you for letting me invade your space

Thank you for your patience

Thank you for being my roadie, even though you are leary about my driving

Thank you for looking past my flaws

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for showing me that I can love someone

Thank you for your truthfulness

Thank you for being my light in a dark place

Thank you for helping me think outside my own thoughts

Thank you for giving me hope when all else seems hopeless

Thank you for being you

 

 

The realization of knowing that you are not "The one" hurts my heart daily

How do I get my heart back, how do I love you like a friend and not more

Here is my confession, I say you are my bestfriend but secretly want you as more

I've been untrue to you and myself just so I won't lose the connection

You have changed my life

You have changed my world

I'm a better person because you have entered my life

 

 

 Happy Birthday Buddy

You have reached a milestone

You left a boy and returning a man, Viva Las Vegas!!

I love you more than you will probably ever realize!!!

 

            

 

 

This song reminds me of you...You truly are so beautiful!