Writing in the New Year

This song will always remind me of you!

These last few weeks have been very emotional.  I do not want to think about this past year of 2013 and I don't want to think about 2014.

I have been playing it really surface today. But I guess I'll go a little deeper.

I'm know people are sick of seeing me post, talk and write about this situation but I can't help it or maybe I can and I just don't want to let go.

"Have you ever been in love, been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand;

Have you ever had someone still your heart away

You'd do anything to make them feel the same; 

Have you ever loved somebody so much it make you cry..."--Brandy

I'll share the video I made for him for Christmas (It wouldn't post must not been meant for me to share).  It made me cry so much while putting it together but it was all done out of love.  I just don't want him to forget about me.  I guess because it already feels like he has.  Even though he has mentioned that he misses me, I have to realize it's going to be different than how I miss him.

I've been thinking how crazy and this is only my perspective but how we connected on so many levels and so fast.  It feels like I've known him my whole life and that we were meant to be. I know it's the past but my family thought we were cute together and they liked him.  His family was wondering, they might have never said anything to him or me but I know.  Even in Chicago, his friends thought there was something between us.

"You can't force chemistry to exist where it doesn't, 

in the same way you can't deny it when it does."

I feel the chemistry. My question is, is it in my head?  To feel chemistry does it take two people?  Have I made up this whole concoction in my head that I think I'm feeling something when there isn't?  So many questions but it's neither here nor there.  He's in a relationship with the person he thinks is "the one".  So what I think, feel, see or anything is irrelevant now.

*Warning, video has profanity in it* I was feeling this video when I heard it.  I also liked the one by 50 cent too.  I chose this one.

I miss him like someone misses their mate, spouse, or significant other.  Have I been blinded by love, lust, or infatuation?

Love isn't a feeling, it's shaving your balls." -American Wedding (I'm watching right now, lol)

I've been thinking a lot this past week after talking with him last week.  When I seen him, my feelings were still there and his hug, oh his hug!!!  It makes me weak.  But that's besides the point, I totally understand some of the things she's going through.  I commend her for talking about it.  I just learned to love and cried through it.  Then there are some things that make me want to slap the mess out of her.  Don't judge me. It's still hard to hear how he feels about her because it's exactly how I feel about him.  The exact same words that I have written down and feelings.  I'm happy for him and I just want him to be happy.

Memories:

I surprised him for his birthday

Skyzone, I almost died and he got it on video, resting between his legs not to lose my life

He was with me on my birthday in Atlanta (Best memory and road trip of the year)

Chicago trip that he took charge of, meeting his other best friend
Our talk in the vacant unit (miss those and love our talks)
House sitting while he was gone (miss his bed, teddy, and blankets but mostly with him in it; sung him a video song from Ps. was so scared)
He and his cousin made dinner and he brought me a plate (made me feel some kind of way)
He bought me a Snicker ice cream bar by surprise(I've always wanted to try) (it's the little things)

Meeting his dad and other family members

September, the day my heart was ripped out (Thankful for a friend who called and prayed me through, I was ready to leave this world that night)

Our first reunion on my last day of work (heartfelt)

Lunch at KC smoke burgers (man good conversations)

Being able to watch the video I made for him for Christmas (Priceless)

For the New Year, I have to and I think I'm ready to let go of these feelings and heal.  I'm ready to let go of these feelings.  I want to be able to just be his friend.  I'm ready to accept that God knows best.  Even if I'm not ready, I have to be ready...it's time.

"What hurts the most, is letting go

just to let you know, that I love you." --Monica

I'm so scared. I'm scared that I will never love someone unconditionally like this before.  I scared that I will never have a relationship that meant so much. I'm scared that I will never feel loved like this again. I'm scared that I will never open up again.  I'm so scared of so many things.  Yes, I have fear issues, I'm working on it.

"All my life, I prayed for someone like you" -Jodeci

I still get butterflies when I'm around him.  My heart pounds at the thought of looking at his social media page.  My heart started pounding a little harder just writing that.  I want to know what's going on in his life since we don't talk anymore but my heart can't handle seeing pics of them, reading comments about them or anything pertaining to "them".  I think it's so childish and people don't understand, shoot, I don't understand.  I can usually turn "it" off just like that and not care or fake it until I don't. It usually works.

"See it don't take a rocket scientist to know I love you

And it don't take a rocket scientist to know I need you

Never dreamed I'd be so happy and sure of myself" --702

Through all these feelings, I have a confession that I could only confess to him.

I don't know what the Lord has in store for our relationship.  I know that I pray for him more than I pray for myself.  His grandma has been in my spirit a lot lately and I seem to pray for her and his whole family.  I think about his best friend and sister.  I pray God's will.  Of course I want him to stay in my life but I have to be in a better emotional state so I can be the friend he needs.

I will always be grateful for the times we shared, the memories, good times, fun times and every moment with him.  Forever in my heart and prayers.  I'll love you more and always, your #999,999,999 + infinite!!!

The Sid Shuffle: Continental Drift

I was walking down the hallway today and I heard a bunch of kids singing.  So I go to the classroom and this is what they were dancing to on the screen...

It was so cute to see the whole class doing this and singing.

This is my new groove!!

My School District

Today was a good day!

I went to a different school district today as I will probably be in that school district.  It was crazy different that the "city's" schools.  It's so sad to see the big difference of the struggle of the inner city.

Poverty looked different.  I say that because there are a lot of families that are struggling but their struggle looks different than the city but it's the same.

What shocked me and made my heart smile is that the site coordinator at the school I went to today is Christian and many of her staff and they are walking in it.  They have a church come and do bible study with the kids, she gives bibles to the kids, they will pray with them and let God use them.  How amazing is that.  Yaaas Lord!!!  I hope that I will be able to minister at my school and allow God to use me.

I'm so thankful that God is always looking out for me.  The drive is going to be a little but I think worth it.

It's been a struggle for me because I want to step up so many times and say something and when I talk it through with people, my answer is "I'm just going to trust God".  There are many times but God is truly keeping me and I believe the best will happen in this situation.

If you know me, I'm a pretty "in charge" person.  Another way of saying it, a control freak.  Sometimes, I just need to sit back and trust God and let him be in control.  Man this faith walk is not easy but so far it's been worth it!

I'm so Thankful and can't say thank you Lord enough for having me during this new season of my life.  Yes, there is still another area that I'm struggling in and I'm trusting in time, it will work out how it should.

Right or Wrong?

I have so many ole school songs going through my head right now.

Saturday morning, I had such a good conversation and much needed text with the Bestie.  Of course I would have loved to have heard his voice but just grateful for any moment of communication as we don't do it very often anymore.  I knew this was going to happen once I left.

I knew my next adventure meant that some doors were going to be closed.  I did not nor do not want the doors on our relationship to close.  That's my Bestie, my BFF, my Ace boon coon, and my heart.  However, I know that sometimes certain things have to happen in our lives that we may not agree so that we can grow.

The only reason I could think that these doors need to close on our relationship is so that I could truly heal and stop loving him so much.  I didn't really even see the doors closing but me just stepping away.  My thinking is if I didn't see him, that just maybe my feelings would go away and I could get over him and be fine.  Then we could reconnect and I would be able to follow him again on social media's, hang out with him and his girlfriend and everything be fine and "normal".  WRONG!!!  It feels like it's gotten worse.  I want to talk to him more and spend time with him more.  It's crazy.  I think that I've done a darn good job at not stalking him so much.  I have to literally fight every thing inside of me to not bother him.  It hurts so bad and I spend a lot of days crying and many nights pondering.

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, 

relationship we are afraid to take, 

and the decisions we waited too long to make."

I regret so much that I didn't listen to some of my friends and said something before I left on my cruise about how I felt about him.  I was so scared and wanted to stand on what I believed.  It sometimes eats me up but I try to lean to God as much as possible to help me to move on and not let the could of, should of and would of keep me depressed.

I don't know why it's been easier now to express how I feel then when his heart didn't belong to someone.  I know it's not fair and I try not to sow seeds that I don't want to reap later.

This sums up a lot of me.  I don't understand why I'm acting this way, why I'm feeling this way and why I can't turn it off like I normally can.

Then we had lunch today.  I just went out on a limb and asked and was thinking he was going to turn me down like several times before.  Well mostly he doesn't respond so I take that as a no.  I was totally shocked that he said yes.

Let me back up...This morning he sent a have a good day text!  I was in training about I smiled so hard and felt so warm and fuzzy on the inside.  When we first met, he used to do that every morning and it just made my day.  Those are some of the little things that I miss.  Before I read his text, I wasn't really feeling training but when I got his text, MAN, it was like I just had a burst of energy!  I want to cry right now just thinking about how something so small made my heart smile.  That was nothing but God.

So I pick him up for lunch and the first thing he does when he gets in the car was give me a hug!  He smelled soooooo soooooo goooooood *insert obscene word* I could have literally melted!  I wanted to exhale so bad at that moment but had to keep it in.  Real stuff!!!  Anyways, I used to get those hugs all the time when we first met.  I do not take them for granted.  I MISS those hugs.  Something about his hugs makes me feel so at peace in his arms.  I'm not saying that because I like him but I feel safe, I feel that everything is okay now.  I can't explain but God and I know.

Today was the best lunch ever, okay in a long time.  Everything felt so right, is that wrong?  I don't know if I can explain but I'll try.  It was like when we first met, it just felt like it was meant to be.  The two weeks that I hadn't seen him all went away.  I was happy.  My stress and worries were gone.  When I'm around him, I seem to always feel that things are going to be alright, weird.  I could probably be floating in a tornado but as long as he's with me, I would be fine.  I miss his voice, seeing the expressions on his face when he's talking about things, he has so much passion.  I resisted so many urges.  I just don't want to sow the wrong seeds.  I always feel that I do because I know the feelings that I fight every minute, I know my thoughts and I want to be respectful to their relationship (even tho...).

I could have sat and talked with him for hours and it not even faze me.  I did not want our time to end.  It's so sad that we are in the same city and I had to hold back tears and emotions when he was leaving because I already missed him and didn't want our time to end.  I played it off pretty well, I don't think he had no clue.  We are in the same city and it feels like we are states away.

My heart literally hurts.  People may not understand, shoot I didn't understand until I met him.  I think about him every minute, I only cry maybe once a week now but get headaches a lot more because I think about our situation but as soon as I get a text, hear his voice, or see him.  It's like it all disappears.

Is it wrong that everything always feels so right when I'm with him?

Lord, you know my heart, you know my prayers but more importantly, you know what's best for me.  Your will be done. In Jesus name.

Is It Real, Freedom!

I feel free, I feel freedom...

Man, to really know what freedom is and what it feels like.  I've experienced that in my transition.  I've wanted to know what true freedom feels like and I'm living in it right now.  I'm so grateful and blessed that it's unreal.  You know that feeling of when everything is going right and feeling right and you wonder when is "IT" going to hit.  You know that saying, it's too good to be true...Yep, I'm there.  I can't believe how good I feel and excited I am to get up and go to work.

I hope and pray that the site they put me on runs as smoothly or even better than the one I'm training at.  Reggie has a good team of people and they make working fun.  Of course you have those problems, which I've already seen but he's a good supervisor and his team looks up to him.  I am a little nervous coming in mid point to a school and team that's been basically running itself and establishing leadership.  That's where you can either make or break your job.  So I'm praying for God's favor in the school and my staff.

I'm so excited that I'm happy.  Well in my job life.  Now the other area, not so much.  I really miss my buddy, my ride or die, my ace boon, my bestie with the cute chesty, my other half, my smile, my memory...I could go on.  I miss seeing his face, hearing his voice, hearing how his day is, hearing the excitement in his voice when he talks about his passion, helping him with his goals...I miss everything about him.

I'm hoping this new job will help me not to ponder on the memories of him, the things I miss and so on.  I feel like I need to delete his pictures and the memories because I look at them EVERY single day. Why because I miss him EVERY single day.  He is my regret but I have to believe that God has someone for me.  No he may not be exactly like him but he will be perfect for me.  I felt that my bestie was perfect for me.  I thought he was perfect.  Even though I still  have hopes that just maybe he is the one and later down the road it will work out (it makes it even harder when my friends are trying to be supported of me and say nice things like this and say we looked cute together or we looked perfect but in reality it hurts so much and I just smile but later cry about it)...I know that he loves his girlfriend and he believes she's the one for him.  So I still stand happy for him as much as it literally hurts me to see them together, to see pictures of her and to hear him talk about her or them.  I suck it up because he's my friend.  However, I can't help to think that he doesn't look happier with her, she's not taking care of him as she should but that's not for me to dwell on.  This is my weak area right now in my life and I think the devil and along with my own flesh attacks me in this area.  One day I will be strong and I will be able to not be hurt at the fact that we are not together.

I've been slacking with writing what I'm thankful for even though I think about it everyday.

Day 15:  I was thankful for great weather and being able to enjoy it.  I just sat onside on my stoop and enjoyed the fall weather, the sun, and the beautiful colors.

Day 16: I'm thankful for our country, the soldiers that fight for our freedom, people who put up these flags because this area was so beautiful.  I'm sure it was just up for Veteran's Day.

Day 17: I was thankful for another day off.  I felt so free and just wanted to be me.  So this was me on Sunday.

Day 18: I was thankful for new beginnings and my first day on my new job.  It was a great day and everyone was so nice.

Day 19: I was thankful for all the accomplishments at my other job.  Listening to other new co-workers and the things they are or were doing made me think of my last job and the things I did.  I'm super excited that I can continue the work.

Day 20: Today, I was thankful that I could go home during mid-day and catch up on Vam Di, eat lunch with past co-workers, and take a nap.  I'm really going to like this job!

Well I have to get up early and check out the morning shift and see how that works.  So off to bed because I have to be at the school by 6:45a.  I'm actually super excited about it.  I hope I can get some sleep.

A New Season...A New Day

This was my song this morning and for the last couple of weeks.  This is a new season in my life and I'm so grateful to God for opening up doors to a new job.  I feel like this is the beginning to more in life.  This song has gotten me through some rough days and some happy days.

I started my new job today.  It was a great day.  I think I'm really going to love this job.  I actually sat during orientation and wondered by I didn't apply for this job a lot sooner.  Man!!

There was two of us that started today and it was nice to have another person to start with even though he had worked for them prior and is just back and in a different position.

Okay, so I get PTO and sick leave.  Wow!! A real job and it starts on my 1st check in two weeks. I'm weak!  Doing my happy dance!

Everyone was super nice and loved their job and just happy to be working for this company.  Everyone said that I would love working for them.  I wonder if it's because we get the last 2 weeks off in December paid leave without using PTO. 

I took my picture today for my badge and got that today.  They give us t-shirts if we want to wear them. Just nice.  I'm just so thankful.

I've been praying for over a decade for a new job according to my journals.  Now that I have this job.  All those rough times, the things that drove me to hard core drinking green tea, crying, verge of jumping off the bridge and the years of praying.  It's all gone and means nothing now.

I've felt so much freedom and peace ever since I've made this decision.  Now, I did started having second thoughts around the last couple of days but it was real quick.

I pray that my job will continue to be good and I know it will because it's from God.

Thank you Lord for opening doors and providing me with this new job.  I'm pray you will continue to have favor on me and anoint me to do my job.

Thankful 13 & 14

These last few days have been very hectic and stressful.  I've been thinking about what I'm thankful for and through all of our good and bad times, we should find something to be thankful for.  Well, I had been struggling to find what I'm thankful for.

13: I'm thankful that for the second part of my exit interview, I got to go to a new restaurant for me called 52 Seasons.  It's a fancy pantsy place but I liked it.  They change their menu weekly and every season, hints the name.

14: Thankful for the Power of Prayer.  I turned in my keys tonight and on my way home.  It hit me.  It's done.  I was strong all week for all my clients and co-workers but it hit me good and hard.  And really I was good until my Bestfriend showed up.  Only prayer can get me out of this slump.  Thankful that prayer still has power.

I Hate Good-byes

One of the hardest things I had to do tonight is say good-bye to my Bestfriend!

I have always been pretty much a loner or floater.  I was never one of those people who was in a certain "click".  I tend to get along with everyone, didn't matter who you were, I was going to talk to you even if you didn't want to talk to me.

I hate good-byes and I don't want to lose him but the only time we talked was at work and then Masta wouldn't let us.  We went from hanging everyday 24/7 to only talking on Tues/Thurs at work and that was a maybe.  Those were the most happiest times for me was when we got to talk.

I've always wanted a Best friend like most people but it just never seemed to work for me.  But when he came along, it was perfect.  It was like I knew him all my life.  He understood, he didn't judge me but accepted me for me.  We were inseparable.  Everything that I thought a Best friend should be was right here.  I felt at times like he was my soul mate because of how close we were.  Then it all changed so fast.

I understand it was "his time" and I'm really trying not to hate.  It's nothing against him at all.  I know I say this but I love everything about him.  My emotions are everywhere right now.  I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

He's moved on and he's happy, why can't I do the same?  Why didn't he try?  Why didn't he love me how I loved him?  What's wrong with me?  I get into these moods because I feel like I lost the best thing that had happened to me.

I've always believed in God's word and always guarded my heart.  I don't know what happened and I don't really understand why it happened.  I think I know.  This whole situation makes me not want to ever give my heart to anyone.  If I had anything to do with it, I wouldn't.

I don't even want anyone else.  I just want him.  The love I have for him, I want for God.  I didn't know that I could love someone so much.  It amazes me so.

I hate good-byes he really was my Bestfriend. I told him everything, more than I usually share and I always feel prompted to share but I guess it will be just me and this blog.  It's sooooo hard and I'm learning to adjust.  I will start writing and then erase it because he has a life now and doesn't have time for me and my non-sense.  That's how I feel anyways.

I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that I'm going to stop because I probably shouldn't write them.  I don't want any regrets.

I hope tomorrow and this weekend will be better and I get some peace about everything before I start my new job on Monday.

Day 12: Thankful for 12 yrs

Well today I was suppose to turn in my work belongings but a Social workers job is never done.  I still have so much to do.  So I will be turning them in on Thursday.  Man, 12 years...super crazy.  I'm going to miss so much about this job.  This has been my life.  

I'm super excited and nervous about my new journey and pray that God continues to hold my hand or carry me through these next upcoming years.

Thankful: Day 9 & 11

I don't know how I missed day nine?  I think it was because I was feeling everything else.

Day 9:  I was thankful for empty workplace.  I went into work on Saturday and got so much done.  It was because there was no one to talk to me.  For some reason, everyone likes to come into my office to talk?  It's like that at both of my properties, smh.  It feels good that the atmosphere in my office is welcoming but they also need to get the hint that it's time to leave.  I'm going to really miss those office times with my staff.  My new job, I don't think I will have an office.  The "big" wigs have offices and there are alot of cubicles.

Day 11: Today, I'm thankful for my bed.  Today has been a draining day.  Saying good-bye to the people at one of my sites.  We had our Thanksgiving dinner and there were over 70 people that stopped in to say good-bye and get to-go plates.  Took pictures and received alot of hugs and nice gifts.  Very nice send off.

So ready for bed!

Day 10: Thankful for Words

"The power of life and death is in our tongues..." Prov 18:21

We can encourage people or we can tear people apart with our words.  I don't think we really realize how much power we have.  How important our words mean to people.

I guess specifically...God's word.

Creflo said in his sermon today that's it's important to stand and speak God's word not speaking positive words.  I'm not saying don't speak positive words but when we are standing and trying to get through a storm, God's word is what's going to get us through.  Being positive helps but God's word has power.

During my transition, it's been pretty tough as negative words are being said, my supervisor has been saying things that haven't helped because she want's me to stay and the kids have been making me cry.  However, the positive words that people have been saying have really helped and it's really speaking to my spirit.  I'm not normally a person who needs that but it's been hard and their encouragement is making me strong literally.  I'm so glad that I have faith right now and I've been standing on it.

A friend who doesn't speak to me as much texted me today and said, "Rejoice in the midst of your struggles."  I needed to hear that because the change of everything is really getting to me.  I'm going to get through this but I need to give God the praises through it all.

Life is not easy and the challenges we face are not always easy but we can make it with God and can as long as we rejoice.

The word in the house of God these past two Sunday's have been to "stand".

I'm telling you, with only 2 days of work left.  I want to say some choice words to some people but I'm standing on my character and values and not falling into my flesh.  I'm just so tired of the snakes and I'm so worried about my friend who still has to work with them.  All I can do is use my words and pray for him which I do, more than me at times.

Again, I'm thankful for words and the life that is spoken into my life, the prayers that have been prayed over me and God's word.

Six Word Saturday

"I miss him in my life"

SWS

B.F.....f

This was during Labor Day weekend in Chicago.  I think we look perfect together.  This was taken two days before he asked his now girlfriend to be his girlfriend.  Crazy, I know and so hard for me to think about.

He stopped in today at work to use the computer.  He was getting ready to head out without saying hi.  My heart almost dropped.  Then he came back and said hi and gave me a hug.  He smelled so good.  He puts a smile on my face every time I see him.  I can't stop smiling when I'm around him.

So I told him that I would really like to see him on Tuesday as it's my last day.  Sad that I have to say that to my best friend but I don't think that I will see him again.  Of course not by my wanting.  He says, this will be the last time I see you...well consistently.  I was thinking to myself, no you had it right the first time.  He says, you probably end of moving and you tell me that you are in North Carolina and you have three kids and they have kids and their kids have kids and....Oh God is calling me I gotta go.  He makes me laugh but he's right.  I was like you will probably see it on facebook. It hurts to think that he's thinking of life without me in it.  When I always think about life with him in it.  Guess, that's where I need to change my thinking which hurts to do so.

He was taking a selfie and I did what I do best "photo bomb".  I love photo bombing his pics.  I'm sure he probably got tired of me always doing that but I guess he doesn't have to worry about it now. Tear, tear!!!  He is so adorbz!!!

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart..."

Will it Pass?

It's 3:53a and I've been up since 2:30a.  This has been my routine these past few days.  These last two days, I have not want to press through and pray.  I've been in my emotions.

I miss my best friend, my soul mate, my heart...

How do you move forward from the feelings that are so strong that ONLY you feel?  He has moved on with his life and I'm still struggling.  It totally SUCKS.  Keeping busy is not the answer, being alone is not the answer, I've tried to give it up like it's a bad habit but really?

I talked about inner strength yesterday and I know the God in me is strong enough to get past this.  I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep, waking up at 3a and crying, almost every waking minute.  The thought of losing him hurts so bad.

Well I've already lost him.  He has moved on with his girlfriend aka future wife.  Yes, the green-eyed monster has hit me and I'm fully aware of it.  I know jealousy is not of God and I should not harbor just feelings.  I never would have thought that I would exhibit such feelings.  I can't follow him on social media because I can't handle seeing pictures of them together.  It literally hurts down to my soul.  That's the only way I can explain it.  I try and visit his page once every 2-3 weeks to see if I've moved on and can handle following him but every time I do, I feel like I fall 30 steps back.  It always makes it worse.  I wonder if I will ever be able to follow him again.

The only person I blame for feeling this way is me.  It was my choice from the beginning.

It scares me because my last day of work is Tuesday and I think this might be the last time I will see him or even talk to him.  I'm so scared of the door closing on our friendship but maybe it's time to move on.  I don't want to because of my own selfishness but that's "normal" right?

Maybe this was the way the door was going to close?  I actually was waiting for him to tell me that we can't be friends and that he had an ultimatum.  Which verbally that didn't happen but his actions speak louder than words.  She sent a message to me by "marking" her territory.  For me, that showed me that she is/was jealous of our relationship which is understandable.  Women, we tend to do things that just makes me shake my head, that's all I'll say without going into what I want to say.

I can't help but look at our pictures and compare them to the few that I've seen of them and think, he looked so much more happier in the ones we have together.  I know that could be me just feeding into my own selfish desires or what not.  Then I have to remind myself, it doesn't matter if he looks happier or even if he truly was happier.  HE HAS MOVED ON!!! So it's time for me to MOVE ON!!!  I DON'T KNOW HOW...I literally yell this in my house and I'm sure my neighbors are probably like, what is wrong with that chick.  She must be going through. Well I'm trying to get through it yes.

Yes, so many regrets...I will put this with the rest of them.

That thought of him still makes me smile.  So many things make me want to call him, text him or tag him.  Sometimes I do but mostly I don't.  He doesn't respond like he use to or doesn't respond at all, so I just take it as a sign that I need to stop trying to hold on to something (friendship) or someone who maybe needs or wants to move on themselves. It's sooo freaking hard!  I genuinely love and care about him. It hurts so much not to reach out to him or stop by.

He's sick right now and I know how he is when he's sick.  He dislikes this season and so on.  These are things that I know and I just want to go and take care of him, cuddle up next to him, get him what he needs.  I feel like I know what he needs BUT he has a girlfriend and that's what she should be doing.  It took everything in me not to drop by and bring him some soup. As a friend, it should be okay, right?  However, I don't trust my own intentions and out of the respect for her...it's best I stay away.

I feel like he needs me but wants her but in reality, I don't know what he needs but I do know that he wants her.  But that's something I don't need to ponder on but I do.  I feel like she doesn't know how to take care of him like I do, she doesn't know what he needs like I do...I laugh now as I write this but these are things that make me shed a tear.

This might be a continual fight until I let go. If I can let go.

And even more...right?

Lesson learned is to: Always guard your heart!
  

Day Eight: Thankful for Fridays

I so thankful for Friday's.  It means that there are two days of rest before doing it all over again.

Day 7: Thankful for Inner Strength

"...Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4 (KJV)

Sometimes, I don't give myself enough credit of how strong I really am.  I think it's because I'm so tired of being strong that when I'm in my "give up" mode.  I don't see myself as strong.  I've always had to be strong for someone else.  Then as a Social Worker, people seem to always depend on you.  They think your judgement is better than theirs.  Which sometimes they are right but only right in whose eyes?

It's crazy how strong my clients think I am.  They want to be like me and have my strength when in reality, I think I'm so weak.  As a Social Worker, you wear many different hats.  As an advocate for many of my clients, I will say I exhibit a confident that I don't do for myself and I try and get things done for them that they can't do for themselves.  And I typically do.  I think they see that confident as strength which that could be one of the many looks of strength.

I will shoot bullets to help my clients get the help or services they need.  Yep, watch out now!  It sometimes amazes me how confident I can be when helping my clients but it doesn't come out when it's time for me to advocate on my own behalf.  Why is that?  Why are we able to stand up for other people or do things for other people that we can't do for ourselves?  

I'm waiting for Boaz to come and take my struggles away.  I want him to be strong for me, make those calls that need to be done, take care of business that needs handling and the list can go on.  Is that fair that I want this from him.  I want him to lead and I just want to follow him.  But what if he's tired too?  What if he doesn't want to always be strong but wants a woman his Ruth to be strong for him?  Man, things that make you go hummm!

I have to realize that I'm stronger than I think.  I can advocate on my behalf, I need to speak up, not let things get me down that I have no control over.  I'm stronger, I have favor, I am loved, I am...

Some days it harder than others but that's going to come and go.  Believing in myself and doubting myself.  Through it all, there is social worker's inside me that is ready to fight on her own behalf.  I can fight for me, there is nothing wrong with that.  I have enough! I am woman hear me roar, Rooaarr!

Don't work yourself up, when God is working it out!  There is too much God in you, for you to always be down and out.  Kick the devil in the teeth and praise your way through.  One small positive thought this morning can change your whole day.  Start it right!  No matter the situation, never let your emotions overpower your intelligence!  @REALTALKKIM

Day 6: Thankful for Favor

These last three days have been a little frustrating.  When good things happen or life seems to be going good, the enemy likes to kick in and knock you back down.

Due to God's favor, I am transitioning into a new job in 2 weeks.  I'm really stepping out on faith and trying to stand firm on God's word and living in the overflow.

Two days ago, I noticed my car was overheating as the handle was on "H".  I went to Firestone and I had enough coolant but they topped it off and I got an oil change.  It was closing time for them so they were not going to be able to look into it.  However, he stated that it could be the thermostat if it continues to do it.  Well on my way home, it continues to do it.  So I took it into the shop and determined it was the thermostat and water pump.

Day two of my car still being in the shop, for some reason, he had the parts shipped over-night and at 4p today it still was not in their hands but they were in the city somewhere.

Last night, I was able to take the company 15 passenger van home.  The Supervisor was reluctant but he said yes.  I was totally scared to ask for it again tonight so I texted him and 20 mins before it was time to go and he said yes.  I was so grateful and happy because I'm really not in a job situation where I can have co-workers taking me home.

I'm thankful for God's favor and allowing me to use the van one more day.  I just hope that my car will be ready tomorrow and I will not have any problems with it.

Day Five: Thankful People Who are Making a Difference

I went into SW years ago to make a difference.  My motto has always been, if I can help just one person, then I've done my job.  Well years ago, that would be okay to say that but now everything is about money and quantity.  I totally understand that reasoning but I've been more of a quality person myself. In reality, I'm sure you need a good mixture of quantity and quality.  

In the SW field you may not always get to see the rewards of the seed you planted, watered, or nurtured.  So you really have to lean on faith and hope that your clients are doing well.  There are times that you do get to see the difference you make or they come back and say Thank you.  Of course we don't do the work to hear that but when you do get a chance to hear it, it just does something inside of you.  You get that secret rejoice of "Yes, I made a difference" or "Thank you Lord, I'm in the right field".  Whatever the emotion, it's always a good one and it always helps confirm that you should be doing what you are doing or you are where you should be.

Well I gave my resignation notice a week ago from today.  Since then, I've received more accolades, hugs, and thank you over the past week than I can remember when.  I'm usually not a person that needs to hear that but it feels good to hear that right now.  I've been getting encouragement and positive blessings for my future and my soul really needs to hear that right now.  It's weird but it's helping me get through this time.

I'm thankful for people who are making a difference in other's lives.  I've realized that I'm making a difference and there are some great people out there who really care about people and really want the best for people.  Stay encouraged and know that you matter, you are making a difference even if you see nothing manifest and the world needs you.  

Day Four: Thankful for Days Off

I so enjoy days off.  Although I work so much that I don't really get to take days off.  I will definitely need to learn how to take days off as I go forward.  This will be one of my last days off before my transition.

On days off, the world just looks so much better.  You feel better and see life a little differently.

 I love nature and the changing colors of Fall.  It's so beautiful and God is so amazing.

I really enjoy going to the movies.  I went to go see "12 Days a Slave".  It's been the rave on fbook.  The theater was packed.  I was really shocked.  Did everyone take off today to go see this movie?  The movie was definitely intense and heart felt.

I haven't been to an AMC theater in a long time mainly because it's so expensive.  I usually go to Cinemark.  But I decided to treat myself as AMC has the recliners now AND they do assigned seats.  Crazy.  I had to help these two older ladies find their seat.  Yes, it's a little confusing but nice because you can go get refreshments and have your seat still there.

My feet were looking horrible so I treated myself to a pedi!  Man, I used to dread getting them but then I went and got one and have been in love ever since.  Now I'm pretty ticklish on my feet, that's the only down fault both otherwise, I suggest everyone get one.  I really love the leg massage.  Man, soo relaxing.

My next to last adventure of the day but the last "for me" was to get a upper ear piercing.  The girl you did my nose piercing is no longer piercing so I went to a girl named Irene and I really liked her too.  She has been doing this for 10 years.  So has two gauges, two nose piercing and one under her lip and alot of tats.  She was so fun!!!  I'm sure I'll be back.

My day ended at Firestone as I noticed my car running hot.  I went ahead and got a oil change and had them check the coolant.  They said the coolant was a little low but not alot.  So I leave and the handle went back up to hot.  So frustrating!  So I will be taking it to another shop in the morning to drop it off.  Thank God for co-workers who are nice to pick me up.

All in all, it was a good day!  Glad to have a day off.

Day Three: Thankful for Jesus

I woke up this morning so excited to get to church to tell my testimony.  I laid in bed and went over and over in my head how I was going to say it.  Of course it did not come out like how I planned but grateful that I can give honor to God.

This song has gotten me through over the past month along with two others that I'm sure I will share later.  Listen to this song and meditate on the words.  It's an awesome song.  Thank you Jesus!

Without Him living in me, I know I wouldn't get through this life.  I'm grateful for the strength that he has given me and that I'm able to pull from that to get through those tough times.  When I fully grasp the mightiness of Him inside me, I know I will be unstoppable.

Day 2: Thankful

I'm thankful that I can go out to eat when I want.  Even though times are hard at times, I'm blessed to be able to stop by a fast food restaurant or sit down at an eating establishment.  Not everyone is able to do that.  Thank you Lord for always providing.

Day One: Thankful

I'm thankful that I have a place of my own to lay my head!!  I might live in a rough neighborhood and my duplex is not the nicest, I am thankful that I have a place to call my own.  Thank you Lord!

Living a Life of Lessons

It's been a while since I've been on last.  I've been using other social media's to express the things I'm going through.  I tried writing but I felt like there was too much going on and I couldn't get it all out.  So I'm trying again tonight.

On September 3, 2013 was the day my heart was fully ripped out of my chest.  For a while now, it was slowly being ripped but it finally was ripped out.  I have never felt that way before.  I'm soo grateful for a friend of mine who lives in Georgia...her prayer got me through.  If I had enough guts to end my life, I really would have.  I know that's tough to hear but it's real life.

I lost my best friend, the one who I secretly hoped was "the one" even though I knew his heart belonged to someone else.  He asked this girl he liked to be his girlfriend and she said yes.  I have so many opinions about this but I'll keep to myself.

He was my "normalcy" and it was gone just like that.  It's crazy and the more I think about it, it makes me cry.  I understand but I still can't wrap my mind around it.  I want to say more but I don't want to regret what I'm writing.

This is the worse feeling in the world and I would not wish this pain on anyone. 

I could go on and on but I'm not.  This pain is deep and I just want to be at a point where I'm not crying about this situation.  I've realize the days it's the hardest for me is when I see him and we actually talk for a while.  I fall in love with him every time I see him or talk to him.  I always feel this connection there.  It's so weird and I don't understand.

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead"

I don't want to move on and be bitter because in my eyes he's perfect and did nothing wrong.  I want to move on and be better.  Learn from this and if it happens again to make sure I guard my heart.  I actually have guarded my heart this far in life and now I understand the scripture from Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

There's a lot of "I wish... or what if..."  However, it doesn't really matter.  I do wish that we would have fought at the beginning when we were both feelin' each other.  That's what I keep thinking about a lot and it makes me sad.  I felt like certain people didn't want to see us together.

 

 

I used to pray and sometimes I still catch myself doing it when I'm extremely in my feelings but to take these feelings for him away.  I would pray that the memories of him all together who leave.  The memories of the good times we had together are sometimes to painful to carry.  Painful in I wish we were still at those moments and since we are not, it hurts. 

 

Those were not the right prayers.  It was a prayer of someone who had been hurt and the start of bitterness.  I always pray for him sometimes I pray for him more than me.  One day, I observed how God changed my prayers for him.  I love God and I love the Jesus in him. 

 

I've learned so much because of our relationship. I'm so grateful for our friendship and the time we have spent together.  Again, he came into my life at the right time.  I will end with this video.  There are so many video's that I want to post but I think this explains me and how I feel right now.  Not necessarily his part.

 

This is my disclaimer: I know it seems like I'm thirsty for him and sometimes even a "side chick" but believe me I'm not a home wrecker.  I want the best for my friend but most importantly, I don't want to sow any seeds that I don't want to reap.  Although I fight these thoughts daily...I believe that I'm just fighting the feelings that I have for someone I care a lot about.  Unfortunately, these feelings don't go away easily especially if they are real and you experience those same feelings every time you encounter that person.  My prayer is that God's will be done and I believe it will.

 



No matter what I do, all I think about is you

Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you

I.. love you, and I.. need you
And it's more than you'll.. ever know
But.. it's fo'sho

Cheating Myself

"The One I Gave My Heart To"  Aaliyah

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?
How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?

How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

 

As I left tonight, this is the first song that came to my heart.  I kept singing the first two lines over and over for about 4 miles on the way home and then youtubed the video.

Answer: Because he's not mine

 

 

I know he kept me there so I could meet her but I didn't want to meet her.  I've been dreading this day and it came.  It was so awkward, watching them flirt with each other.  It made my heart hurt and made my stomache sick.  I wanted to leave SOOOO bad.  I wanted him to introduce me real quick and then I could say nice to meet you but I'm heading out.  Oh no, they were so indulged in each other and touchy feely for about 10 mins before she introduced herself.  I wanted to say so bad to them excuse me my name is and I'm heading out the door but I was trying not to be rude.

 

I'm proud of myself because I wanted to just cry so hard but as this song was going through my head, I kept telling myself, it will be okay and then I was so upset that he still has my heart and wondering when I would not have feelings for him.  Then something I heard on Vam Di tonight was that the love will go away once you fall in love again with someone else.  Well, so freaking hopeless.  I don't normally fall in love, like or attraction with anyone, I don't know how it happened with him.  

 

Those who are attracted to me are old enough to be my daddy or my grandpa (singing, I'm not your daddy I'm your grandpa...yep, you sure are).  Then I fall for someone who is old enough to be my son.  Just HOPELESS!!

 

The bad thing about this is that I needed him in my life at the point he showed up.  So many good things have come out of our relationship and I think good things continue to come out of our friendship.  This is just a hurdle that I need to get over because clearly he is completely fine and loses no sleep or sheds a tear. 

 

I hear people telling me that his time in my life has come to an end and to be fair to me as well as him, I need to walk away.  I cannot heal if I continue to succumb myself to his life.  I had gotten the same word and that is why I want to leave here because I think it would be easier to be out of his life if I didn't live here.  I love him and how can I stop loving him if I continue to fall for him each time we talk.  But yet, I need him (that's what I believe anyways).

 

I had an epiphany on the way home.  I continue to run, thinking I'm running away from my problems when I'm really not going anywhere.

 

 

Truth is...my heart hurts when he talks about her on fb or in general, he comments on her posts, when she comments on his, when they tag each other, or just anything involving her makes me cry because it hurts.  Jealousy is one of the deadly sins and I pray that God forgives me for taking on that trait.  I hate feeling this way, I don't know her but it's just the fact that she has his heart and I wish it was me but then again I don't. 

 

I continue to give him what I would give my spouse.  However, he doesn't respond the way I expect because he is NOT the one and he will not understand the love behind my actions.  No fault to him but he's not going to because I'm not suppose to do it for him.  I'm only cheating me.

 

I just pray for the day that the heartaches will stop and I will look at him as a friend only.

 

Deep Convo

The Bestie and I had a great conversation today.  My spirit really needed our talk.  We have these heart to hearts every once in a while and I so wish we had them everyday or I would settle for once a week.

Jesus is moving on this earth and it seems like more than before we really need Him.  Our hearts are ready to accept his plan for our lives but we as people refuse to truly wholeheartedly follow him.  We have these stipulations and rules we have made up for Him. 

 

 

You ain't said nothing but a word.  I totally would if you would allow me.  Okay, maybe not but wishful thinking right!  You are such a cutie patootie that melts my heart.

 

These heart to hearts are what I long for in my spouse.  It makes me long for an accountability partner. Longing for that fire to be restored back in me.  Longing...

 

This talk helped me to release some things that needed to be released from my spirit, mind, and life.  God always uses him to help me through my wild and relentless thoughts. 

 

 

Why does he have to be so sexy?  Why can't he be mine? Just that he thought of me once while he was on vacay threw me over the top.  I cried, which doesn't say much because I've been crying super easily lately.

 

Thank you for our talk, thank you for tending to me while you work, thank you for sharing apart of you, and extending your listening ear.

 

Everytime I'm with you, I tend to have a song in my heart or words come from deep within and I need to write.

 

He always helps but a smile on my face when I don't want one.

 

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!! You know I love cake!

 

"Always"