Mixed Emotions

I don't want to say good-bye.  Why?  I don't know, it feels like it's something stronger than me pulling me toward him.  Even when I'm being treated unfairly in my eyes, even when I feel unappreciated, even when I don't feel the love...I still want to be with him.

They say it gets better one day at a time, just be patient and give it time.  It's hard when they were your life, you would have gave anything to be their wife.  Learning that real love only comes from up above transcending down from my Heavenly Father.  I hate that I was a bother or couldn't be what they want.  Now it seems like it's all a front. I knew this day was going to come but I still don't understand why I feel so dumb. My love was real that's probably why I can't deal.  I'd rather be dead then go on as planned. 

Call me stupid but I will do anything for him, even if it's not convenient for me.  I said in a previous post, I'm not in love with him anymore but I do love him.  Tonight I was thinking, what's the difference.  Should there be a difference in my action?  In my thinking?

I got a glide yesterday and he "needed" me.  I felt so sorry for him, he was super sick.  I know how he gets when he's sick.  Did I do it because I loved him or because I'm in love with him?  I'm going to say because I love him.  When I get to his house, I wanted to do more but I didn't.  I wanted to "really" take care of him but I didn't.  I wasn't my place and as hard as it was for me to just sit and listen, I did just that.  I wanted to do more and I think now if I did, it would have been because I'm in love with him.  I wanted to curl up next to him and just hold him and rub his back and forehead. I wanted to get a wet cloth and put on his forehead. Again, I wanted to really take care of him.

I will say, Thursday's actions was because I was in love with him.  I brought some juice over and he was disappointed.  It really really hurt my feelings.  I'm telling you, my mind is so strong and people really don't understand and I don't sometimes how my mind talks me out walking in the flesh.  My mind talks me out of reacting ALL the time.  If I didn't care so much about how other people felt, I would be a ticking bomb.  It's so scary.  It's probably been a month and a half since I've hung out with him at his place with everyone.  I enjoy being with everyone but I just don't like activity. I tell myself every single time, you will just leave in advance but it doesn't happen.  It happened a couple of times and I felt bad because they knew what I was doing.  It happened again on Thursday, well I hadn't planned on staying.  I stayed and I told myself I would just leave but at that moment, that feeling of I love him and I want to be around him and so on happened.  I was asked to sit by him even though I think he wanted the other girl to sit by him. He was flirting with her and I tried with all my might to not let it get to me.  No matter what I say and do inside my head to not feel sad or jealous, it tears me up each time. A side note: Two different incidents, he took double takes of some chicks while I was with him.  I've never seen him do that before.  I just felt the knife repeatedly being stabbed in my heart.  Sorry got a little side track, so later on that night, we were joking and playing and it felt like old times again. He was being flirtatious but I had to tell myself, this is NOT how he is feeling it was the situation.

It's like a game!  Don't play your feelings and you won't get hurt.

Last night, felt almost normal again. I said almost, haha!  We went to the movies to go see TMNT.  Two thumbs up by the way.

I think time away really helped me to detach as well as being treated the way I was.  It hurt and still hurts thinking about it but I guess this is what needed to happen for me to un-attach myself.  I knew it was going to happen but I didn't think it would be so painful.  Main reason why I want to leave this place.  Maybe I wouldn't be so jealous as he lives his life and crushes/likes/loves on other girls.

I miss my friend and I pray that God's will be done in our relationship.

Hollywood

Life has been so surreal.

I'm heading to Hollywood, California!!!

I sat in the back of the vehicle.  I was kind of nervous about it because I don't like being in closed confinement but I was okay in the back. I wished he was in the back with me so I could of laid on him. I know, silly me, he's not mine.

    

There were beautiful mountains all the way there.  The sunrise was so pretty.  We stopped at a rest area, see the sign:

    

A very different sign huh?!  Definitely not your usual sign.

    

Due to the drug core tel, there was border patrol between Arizona and California.  How crazy is that in the United States.  It was actually closed when we went through which is unusual.

When we got there and it took us about 5hrs, we went straight to Erick's apartment.  I should have taken pictures but his apartment was $1100 and it came with parking.  Right outside of his apartment, you could see the Hollywood sign.

Erick was super nice.  He showed us around Los Angles and Hollywood.  He had lived everywhere and survived.  Erick is Garee and LaShell's older brother.

The hotel was in a good location and nice.  I was really mad that I couldn't sleep with my buddy. I knew the sleeping arrangements were going to be difficult but I try to just go with the flow. I didn't feel good at all, so sleeping was not going to be an option clearly.  They wanted the air on but no one wanted to sleep next to the air.  Usually I don't mind but since I wasn't feeling good.  It wasn't a good option.  In the middle of the night, I noticed Garee in a chair looking really uncomfortable, so I woke her up and told her her to lay down.  I slept in the desk chair.  

I know this is lame but the highlight of the whole trip or close enough was the neck massage from my bestie.  OM to the Gosh!!!  I might have mentioned in another post, that I have two herniated disc in the spine of my neck.  It was recommended that I have surgery to correct the problem or go to a chiropractor and purchase a $150 pillow.  So I had kind of rigged up my own pillow and it would work every now and then.  If I lay down wrong or sleep wrong, it gives me the worst headache in the world and my neck hurts.  Well the week before the trip, I started having problems.  There really isn't much they can do but give me a shot, muscle relaxers don't help.  

So I asked the Bestie if he could massage my neck and he did.  Again, OM to the Gosh!!!  The best massage in the world.  You know they are good when they can put you to sleep and I had started drooling.  I had moaned a couple of times but really tried to keep that in.  It felt great!  His wife is going to be one blessed woman.  Since the massage, my neck has been feeling better.  He has the magic touch.

Back to the trip, my bad...

So we walked Hollywood Blvd. and seen the stars on the ground.  I couldn't believe it.  The street was super crowded with tourist, street artist, security and more, so it was hard to get pictures and what not.

Then it was time to leave.  So sad.  The weather and company was nice.  Back to Arizona we went.

**Found this draft in my box**

Black Rose

My Bestie gave me a Black rose on Valentine's Day.  It meant the world to me.  The gift was so him.  If you know him, it was something I would picture him getting for anyone. I'm blessed that he thought of me.

As he hands it to me, he says, a black rose means more than just death. It has other meanings.

I wanted to cry because this is the first time that I have ever gotten anything from the opposite sex for Valentine's Day (that wasn't from my dad).  I will cherish the gift and memory forever.

It's things like this that make it hard to not love him.  Nope it's not about the gift but the giver. These are the thoughtful things he does that make me fall more and more in love with him.  The Jesus in me loves the Jesus in him.

The black rose can symbolize strength, courage, resistance, the beginning of new things or a journey into unexplored territory.  It inspires confidence and enthusiasm by signaling the birth of a new era of hope and joy. 

I'm taking my gift with joy of all the good things it symbolizes.  

**This was the draft sitting in my box**

Turning Point

A lot has happened since my last post.  I'm sad that I didn't post anything in between then and now.

Our relationship has taken a turn that I knew one day was going to happen but I guess I didn't expect for it to be like this. I wanted him to be in my life for a lifetime but I guess he is a seasonal friend.  I thought he was the one.  I wanted him to be the one.  I'm so confused on what needs to happen.  I can finally say that I'm no longer in love with him.  Yes, I love him and care for him still. Truthfully, there is still that hope, tiny as it may be that something will change and we could be together but...

So many questions but do I really need to know the answer.  I'm going to keep this post short because I don't want to regret writing something out of emotions. My love for him is and was real.  I've been heart broken for 3yrs, enough is enough.  You can't make someone love you who doesn't.  I never was his type but I hung on to how he made me feel the first few months of our friendship.  It felt real, it seemed reciprocated but I guess it was all a trick of the enemy.

These past 2 weeks have been painful, confusing, detrimental, and eye opening.  I'm so grateful to one of my long time friends and sister from another mister who has seen me through these past couple of weeks.  I wanted to die and if I was strong enough I would have actually done it. As I'm crying my eyes out, because I want to write what I'm thinking.  I shouldn't care but I guess that's why I lost.

Today I felt probably the most at peace of the thought of saying good-bye.  I feel so stupid and weak not being able to just cut ties and walk away.  A best friend should never be treated like this, I shouldn't be treated like this but yet I continue to put myself in a situation that I keep getting hurt.

He is all I have in this city that I strongly dislike.  I'm learning to go back and do things by myself.  It's not as fun but it's okay. I can survive.  I need to focus my relationship more on God and loving me for me.  I realizing more and more that if I don't love me for me, no one else will.  This is a hard lesson for me to learn but one day I will walk in true love for myself that is healthy.

Please pray for him, please pray for me, please pray that God's will be done and everything will work out how it should.