Mixed Emotions

I don't want to say good-bye.  Why?  I don't know, it feels like it's something stronger than me pulling me toward him.  Even when I'm being treated unfairly in my eyes, even when I feel unappreciated, even when I don't feel the love...I still want to be with him.

They say it gets better one day at a time, just be patient and give it time.  It's hard when they were your life, you would have gave anything to be their wife.  Learning that real love only comes from up above transcending down from my Heavenly Father.  I hate that I was a bother or couldn't be what they want.  Now it seems like it's all a front. I knew this day was going to come but I still don't understand why I feel so dumb. My love was real that's probably why I can't deal.  I'd rather be dead then go on as planned. 

Call me stupid but I will do anything for him, even if it's not convenient for me.  I said in a previous post, I'm not in love with him anymore but I do love him.  Tonight I was thinking, what's the difference.  Should there be a difference in my action?  In my thinking?

I got a glide yesterday and he "needed" me.  I felt so sorry for him, he was super sick.  I know how he gets when he's sick.  Did I do it because I loved him or because I'm in love with him?  I'm going to say because I love him.  When I get to his house, I wanted to do more but I didn't.  I wanted to "really" take care of him but I didn't.  I wasn't my place and as hard as it was for me to just sit and listen, I did just that.  I wanted to do more and I think now if I did, it would have been because I'm in love with him.  I wanted to curl up next to him and just hold him and rub his back and forehead. I wanted to get a wet cloth and put on his forehead. Again, I wanted to really take care of him.

I will say, Thursday's actions was because I was in love with him.  I brought some juice over and he was disappointed.  It really really hurt my feelings.  I'm telling you, my mind is so strong and people really don't understand and I don't sometimes how my mind talks me out walking in the flesh.  My mind talks me out of reacting ALL the time.  If I didn't care so much about how other people felt, I would be a ticking bomb.  It's so scary.  It's probably been a month and a half since I've hung out with him at his place with everyone.  I enjoy being with everyone but I just don't like activity. I tell myself every single time, you will just leave in advance but it doesn't happen.  It happened a couple of times and I felt bad because they knew what I was doing.  It happened again on Thursday, well I hadn't planned on staying.  I stayed and I told myself I would just leave but at that moment, that feeling of I love him and I want to be around him and so on happened.  I was asked to sit by him even though I think he wanted the other girl to sit by him. He was flirting with her and I tried with all my might to not let it get to me.  No matter what I say and do inside my head to not feel sad or jealous, it tears me up each time. A side note: Two different incidents, he took double takes of some chicks while I was with him.  I've never seen him do that before.  I just felt the knife repeatedly being stabbed in my heart.  Sorry got a little side track, so later on that night, we were joking and playing and it felt like old times again. He was being flirtatious but I had to tell myself, this is NOT how he is feeling it was the situation.

It's like a game!  Don't play your feelings and you won't get hurt.

Last night, felt almost normal again. I said almost, haha!  We went to the movies to go see TMNT.  Two thumbs up by the way.

I think time away really helped me to detach as well as being treated the way I was.  It hurt and still hurts thinking about it but I guess this is what needed to happen for me to un-attach myself.  I knew it was going to happen but I didn't think it would be so painful.  Main reason why I want to leave this place.  Maybe I wouldn't be so jealous as he lives his life and crushes/likes/loves on other girls.

I miss my friend and I pray that God's will be done in our relationship.

Stop Pimpin' Your Heart

Okay, this is completely on a different note but I needed to add...

This dude is so freakin' fine!!!  Pictures like this is why I can't get over him.  He looks like a famous person.  Well he's famous to me, I would throw my...at him any day.  You better get his autograph quick because it's going to be worth money one day.  He is so sexy and any woman would be lucky to have his heart.  Yes, he has the outer package but his soul is just as beautiful.  I fell in love with his inner being and only God can help me to get over him and move on.  As much as I don't want to because he was the first person that ever made me feel beautiful and I believed him when he would tell me.  He exemplifies what unconditional love is and I experienced that because of him and it was amazing.

So for a while now, I've been feeling so lonely.  I don't have many friends, I live the life of a loner.  That's kind of been almost my whole life.  There are moments that I wish I had a lot of friends but when I'm given the option, I would rather just stay at home and chill.  I wish I was living in my other apartments so I could host people at my place.

Lately, I feel like I don't have anyone.  There is the saying of to have friends, you need to be a friend.  Maybe I'm not being a good enough friend.  I will admit, thinking about it now, I do half step but it's because I feel like the people I talk to are "needy".  I feel like all they want to talk about is them and their situation.  When I try to talk about what's going on in my life, they just listen enough so they can respond about how they can relate and go back to them.  It's frustrating but in the same matter I don't mind listening to other people and I tend to not talk about me much anyway.  But it just seems so one-way to me.

The people that I feel like genuinely listen, I don't talk to them everyday like I want to and then I feel like I'm just one-way to them.  It's so nice to have people who are willing to listen that I feel like that's all I do is talk about me.  I know I'm sounding hypocritical right now. The thing is, the people that I talk to that are needy have other people that care and they talk to just the same.  I don't.

Like my Baby Daddy up there..okay, my Mista..alright, I'll quit playing my Bestie, I talk his ear off all the time.  He allows me to talk and I'm sure I talk his ear off.  I wish I could talk to him everyday but I don't get that opportunity.

That could also be my problem too.  See I want that friendship that I talk to someone everyday but then again, I had that with certain people and it was kind of getting on my nerves.  So I don't know what I want and need.

I've come to the conclusion today that when I get to a point like I am right now, the feeling of having no one in my life to depend on.  It means I need to refocus on Jesus.

I feel like I've been pimpin' out my heart for love.  I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.  I really want Mista to love me but he can't.  Even though I love him, it will not be reciprocated the way I need for it to be in my life to be happy.  I do things things for other people and go places even when I sometimes don't want to but that's not filling.  I feel like I'm not loved which brings on inappropriate thoughts lately.  

It's time for me to start seeking God.  He is the only one that really wants my heart and loves me the way that I need to be loved right now.  He will give me the desires of my heart once I'm ready and right now, I'm not in a healthy place.

I need to learn to love me for me and to see me as being beautiful.  I can't allow someone to love me when I don't believe that I deserve to be loved.

Writing in the New Year

This song will always remind me of you!

These last few weeks have been very emotional.  I do not want to think about this past year of 2013 and I don't want to think about 2014.

I have been playing it really surface today. But I guess I'll go a little deeper.

I'm know people are sick of seeing me post, talk and write about this situation but I can't help it or maybe I can and I just don't want to let go.

"Have you ever been in love, been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand;

Have you ever had someone still your heart away

You'd do anything to make them feel the same; 

Have you ever loved somebody so much it make you cry..."--Brandy

I'll share the video I made for him for Christmas (It wouldn't post must not been meant for me to share).  It made me cry so much while putting it together but it was all done out of love.  I just don't want him to forget about me.  I guess because it already feels like he has.  Even though he has mentioned that he misses me, I have to realize it's going to be different than how I miss him.

I've been thinking how crazy and this is only my perspective but how we connected on so many levels and so fast.  It feels like I've known him my whole life and that we were meant to be. I know it's the past but my family thought we were cute together and they liked him.  His family was wondering, they might have never said anything to him or me but I know.  Even in Chicago, his friends thought there was something between us.

"You can't force chemistry to exist where it doesn't, 

in the same way you can't deny it when it does."

I feel the chemistry. My question is, is it in my head?  To feel chemistry does it take two people?  Have I made up this whole concoction in my head that I think I'm feeling something when there isn't?  So many questions but it's neither here nor there.  He's in a relationship with the person he thinks is "the one".  So what I think, feel, see or anything is irrelevant now.

*Warning, video has profanity in it* I was feeling this video when I heard it.  I also liked the one by 50 cent too.  I chose this one.

I miss him like someone misses their mate, spouse, or significant other.  Have I been blinded by love, lust, or infatuation?

Love isn't a feeling, it's shaving your balls." -American Wedding (I'm watching right now, lol)

I've been thinking a lot this past week after talking with him last week.  When I seen him, my feelings were still there and his hug, oh his hug!!!  It makes me weak.  But that's besides the point, I totally understand some of the things she's going through.  I commend her for talking about it.  I just learned to love and cried through it.  Then there are some things that make me want to slap the mess out of her.  Don't judge me. It's still hard to hear how he feels about her because it's exactly how I feel about him.  The exact same words that I have written down and feelings.  I'm happy for him and I just want him to be happy.

Memories:

I surprised him for his birthday

Skyzone, I almost died and he got it on video, resting between his legs not to lose my life

He was with me on my birthday in Atlanta (Best memory and road trip of the year)

Chicago trip that he took charge of, meeting his other best friend
Our talk in the vacant unit (miss those and love our talks)
House sitting while he was gone (miss his bed, teddy, and blankets but mostly with him in it; sung him a video song from Ps. was so scared)
He and his cousin made dinner and he brought me a plate (made me feel some kind of way)
He bought me a Snicker ice cream bar by surprise(I've always wanted to try) (it's the little things)

Meeting his dad and other family members

September, the day my heart was ripped out (Thankful for a friend who called and prayed me through, I was ready to leave this world that night)

Our first reunion on my last day of work (heartfelt)

Lunch at KC smoke burgers (man good conversations)

Being able to watch the video I made for him for Christmas (Priceless)

For the New Year, I have to and I think I'm ready to let go of these feelings and heal.  I'm ready to let go of these feelings.  I want to be able to just be his friend.  I'm ready to accept that God knows best.  Even if I'm not ready, I have to be ready...it's time.

"What hurts the most, is letting go

just to let you know, that I love you." --Monica

I'm so scared. I'm scared that I will never love someone unconditionally like this before.  I scared that I will never have a relationship that meant so much. I'm scared that I will never feel loved like this again. I'm scared that I will never open up again.  I'm so scared of so many things.  Yes, I have fear issues, I'm working on it.

"All my life, I prayed for someone like you" -Jodeci

I still get butterflies when I'm around him.  My heart pounds at the thought of looking at his social media page.  My heart started pounding a little harder just writing that.  I want to know what's going on in his life since we don't talk anymore but my heart can't handle seeing pics of them, reading comments about them or anything pertaining to "them".  I think it's so childish and people don't understand, shoot, I don't understand.  I can usually turn "it" off just like that and not care or fake it until I don't. It usually works.

"See it don't take a rocket scientist to know I love you

And it don't take a rocket scientist to know I need you

Never dreamed I'd be so happy and sure of myself" --702

Through all these feelings, I have a confession that I could only confess to him.

I don't know what the Lord has in store for our relationship.  I know that I pray for him more than I pray for myself.  His grandma has been in my spirit a lot lately and I seem to pray for her and his whole family.  I think about his best friend and sister.  I pray God's will.  Of course I want him to stay in my life but I have to be in a better emotional state so I can be the friend he needs.

I will always be grateful for the times we shared, the memories, good times, fun times and every moment with him.  Forever in my heart and prayers.  I'll love you more and always, your #999,999,999 + infinite!!!

I Hate Good-byes

One of the hardest things I had to do tonight is say good-bye to my Bestfriend!

I have always been pretty much a loner or floater.  I was never one of those people who was in a certain "click".  I tend to get along with everyone, didn't matter who you were, I was going to talk to you even if you didn't want to talk to me.

I hate good-byes and I don't want to lose him but the only time we talked was at work and then Masta wouldn't let us.  We went from hanging everyday 24/7 to only talking on Tues/Thurs at work and that was a maybe.  Those were the most happiest times for me was when we got to talk.

I've always wanted a Best friend like most people but it just never seemed to work for me.  But when he came along, it was perfect.  It was like I knew him all my life.  He understood, he didn't judge me but accepted me for me.  We were inseparable.  Everything that I thought a Best friend should be was right here.  I felt at times like he was my soul mate because of how close we were.  Then it all changed so fast.

I understand it was "his time" and I'm really trying not to hate.  It's nothing against him at all.  I know I say this but I love everything about him.  My emotions are everywhere right now.  I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

He's moved on and he's happy, why can't I do the same?  Why didn't he try?  Why didn't he love me how I loved him?  What's wrong with me?  I get into these moods because I feel like I lost the best thing that had happened to me.

I've always believed in God's word and always guarded my heart.  I don't know what happened and I don't really understand why it happened.  I think I know.  This whole situation makes me not want to ever give my heart to anyone.  If I had anything to do with it, I wouldn't.

I don't even want anyone else.  I just want him.  The love I have for him, I want for God.  I didn't know that I could love someone so much.  It amazes me so.

I hate good-byes he really was my Bestfriend. I told him everything, more than I usually share and I always feel prompted to share but I guess it will be just me and this blog.  It's sooooo hard and I'm learning to adjust.  I will start writing and then erase it because he has a life now and doesn't have time for me and my non-sense.  That's how I feel anyways.

I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that I'm going to stop because I probably shouldn't write them.  I don't want any regrets.

I hope tomorrow and this weekend will be better and I get some peace about everything before I start my new job on Monday.

B.F.....f

This was during Labor Day weekend in Chicago.  I think we look perfect together.  This was taken two days before he asked his now girlfriend to be his girlfriend.  Crazy, I know and so hard for me to think about.

He stopped in today at work to use the computer.  He was getting ready to head out without saying hi.  My heart almost dropped.  Then he came back and said hi and gave me a hug.  He smelled so good.  He puts a smile on my face every time I see him.  I can't stop smiling when I'm around him.

So I told him that I would really like to see him on Tuesday as it's my last day.  Sad that I have to say that to my best friend but I don't think that I will see him again.  Of course not by my wanting.  He says, this will be the last time I see you...well consistently.  I was thinking to myself, no you had it right the first time.  He says, you probably end of moving and you tell me that you are in North Carolina and you have three kids and they have kids and their kids have kids and....Oh God is calling me I gotta go.  He makes me laugh but he's right.  I was like you will probably see it on facebook. It hurts to think that he's thinking of life without me in it.  When I always think about life with him in it.  Guess, that's where I need to change my thinking which hurts to do so.

He was taking a selfie and I did what I do best "photo bomb".  I love photo bombing his pics.  I'm sure he probably got tired of me always doing that but I guess he doesn't have to worry about it now. Tear, tear!!!  He is so adorbz!!!

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart..."

Will it Pass?

It's 3:53a and I've been up since 2:30a.  This has been my routine these past few days.  These last two days, I have not want to press through and pray.  I've been in my emotions.

I miss my best friend, my soul mate, my heart...

How do you move forward from the feelings that are so strong that ONLY you feel?  He has moved on with his life and I'm still struggling.  It totally SUCKS.  Keeping busy is not the answer, being alone is not the answer, I've tried to give it up like it's a bad habit but really?

I talked about inner strength yesterday and I know the God in me is strong enough to get past this.  I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep, waking up at 3a and crying, almost every waking minute.  The thought of losing him hurts so bad.

Well I've already lost him.  He has moved on with his girlfriend aka future wife.  Yes, the green-eyed monster has hit me and I'm fully aware of it.  I know jealousy is not of God and I should not harbor just feelings.  I never would have thought that I would exhibit such feelings.  I can't follow him on social media because I can't handle seeing pictures of them together.  It literally hurts down to my soul.  That's the only way I can explain it.  I try and visit his page once every 2-3 weeks to see if I've moved on and can handle following him but every time I do, I feel like I fall 30 steps back.  It always makes it worse.  I wonder if I will ever be able to follow him again.

The only person I blame for feeling this way is me.  It was my choice from the beginning.

It scares me because my last day of work is Tuesday and I think this might be the last time I will see him or even talk to him.  I'm so scared of the door closing on our friendship but maybe it's time to move on.  I don't want to because of my own selfishness but that's "normal" right?

Maybe this was the way the door was going to close?  I actually was waiting for him to tell me that we can't be friends and that he had an ultimatum.  Which verbally that didn't happen but his actions speak louder than words.  She sent a message to me by "marking" her territory.  For me, that showed me that she is/was jealous of our relationship which is understandable.  Women, we tend to do things that just makes me shake my head, that's all I'll say without going into what I want to say.

I can't help but look at our pictures and compare them to the few that I've seen of them and think, he looked so much more happier in the ones we have together.  I know that could be me just feeding into my own selfish desires or what not.  Then I have to remind myself, it doesn't matter if he looks happier or even if he truly was happier.  HE HAS MOVED ON!!! So it's time for me to MOVE ON!!!  I DON'T KNOW HOW...I literally yell this in my house and I'm sure my neighbors are probably like, what is wrong with that chick.  She must be going through. Well I'm trying to get through it yes.

Yes, so many regrets...I will put this with the rest of them.

That thought of him still makes me smile.  So many things make me want to call him, text him or tag him.  Sometimes I do but mostly I don't.  He doesn't respond like he use to or doesn't respond at all, so I just take it as a sign that I need to stop trying to hold on to something (friendship) or someone who maybe needs or wants to move on themselves. It's sooo freaking hard!  I genuinely love and care about him. It hurts so much not to reach out to him or stop by.

He's sick right now and I know how he is when he's sick.  He dislikes this season and so on.  These are things that I know and I just want to go and take care of him, cuddle up next to him, get him what he needs.  I feel like I know what he needs BUT he has a girlfriend and that's what she should be doing.  It took everything in me not to drop by and bring him some soup. As a friend, it should be okay, right?  However, I don't trust my own intentions and out of the respect for her...it's best I stay away.

I feel like he needs me but wants her but in reality, I don't know what he needs but I do know that he wants her.  But that's something I don't need to ponder on but I do.  I feel like she doesn't know how to take care of him like I do, she doesn't know what he needs like I do...I laugh now as I write this but these are things that make me shed a tear.

This might be a continual fight until I let go. If I can let go.

And even more...right?

Lesson learned is to: Always guard your heart!
  

Living a Life of Lessons

It's been a while since I've been on last.  I've been using other social media's to express the things I'm going through.  I tried writing but I felt like there was too much going on and I couldn't get it all out.  So I'm trying again tonight.

On September 3, 2013 was the day my heart was fully ripped out of my chest.  For a while now, it was slowly being ripped but it finally was ripped out.  I have never felt that way before.  I'm soo grateful for a friend of mine who lives in Georgia...her prayer got me through.  If I had enough guts to end my life, I really would have.  I know that's tough to hear but it's real life.

I lost my best friend, the one who I secretly hoped was "the one" even though I knew his heart belonged to someone else.  He asked this girl he liked to be his girlfriend and she said yes.  I have so many opinions about this but I'll keep to myself.

He was my "normalcy" and it was gone just like that.  It's crazy and the more I think about it, it makes me cry.  I understand but I still can't wrap my mind around it.  I want to say more but I don't want to regret what I'm writing.

This is the worse feeling in the world and I would not wish this pain on anyone. 

I could go on and on but I'm not.  This pain is deep and I just want to be at a point where I'm not crying about this situation.  I've realize the days it's the hardest for me is when I see him and we actually talk for a while.  I fall in love with him every time I see him or talk to him.  I always feel this connection there.  It's so weird and I don't understand.

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead"

I don't want to move on and be bitter because in my eyes he's perfect and did nothing wrong.  I want to move on and be better.  Learn from this and if it happens again to make sure I guard my heart.  I actually have guarded my heart this far in life and now I understand the scripture from Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

There's a lot of "I wish... or what if..."  However, it doesn't really matter.  I do wish that we would have fought at the beginning when we were both feelin' each other.  That's what I keep thinking about a lot and it makes me sad.  I felt like certain people didn't want to see us together.

 

 

I used to pray and sometimes I still catch myself doing it when I'm extremely in my feelings but to take these feelings for him away.  I would pray that the memories of him all together who leave.  The memories of the good times we had together are sometimes to painful to carry.  Painful in I wish we were still at those moments and since we are not, it hurts. 

 

Those were not the right prayers.  It was a prayer of someone who had been hurt and the start of bitterness.  I always pray for him sometimes I pray for him more than me.  One day, I observed how God changed my prayers for him.  I love God and I love the Jesus in him. 

 

I've learned so much because of our relationship. I'm so grateful for our friendship and the time we have spent together.  Again, he came into my life at the right time.  I will end with this video.  There are so many video's that I want to post but I think this explains me and how I feel right now.  Not necessarily his part.

 

This is my disclaimer: I know it seems like I'm thirsty for him and sometimes even a "side chick" but believe me I'm not a home wrecker.  I want the best for my friend but most importantly, I don't want to sow any seeds that I don't want to reap.  Although I fight these thoughts daily...I believe that I'm just fighting the feelings that I have for someone I care a lot about.  Unfortunately, these feelings don't go away easily especially if they are real and you experience those same feelings every time you encounter that person.  My prayer is that God's will be done and I believe it will.

 



No matter what I do, all I think about is you

Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you

I.. love you, and I.. need you
And it's more than you'll.. ever know
But.. it's fo'sho

Deep Convo

The Bestie and I had a great conversation today.  My spirit really needed our talk.  We have these heart to hearts every once in a while and I so wish we had them everyday or I would settle for once a week.

Jesus is moving on this earth and it seems like more than before we really need Him.  Our hearts are ready to accept his plan for our lives but we as people refuse to truly wholeheartedly follow him.  We have these stipulations and rules we have made up for Him. 

 

 

You ain't said nothing but a word.  I totally would if you would allow me.  Okay, maybe not but wishful thinking right!  You are such a cutie patootie that melts my heart.

 

These heart to hearts are what I long for in my spouse.  It makes me long for an accountability partner. Longing for that fire to be restored back in me.  Longing...

 

This talk helped me to release some things that needed to be released from my spirit, mind, and life.  God always uses him to help me through my wild and relentless thoughts. 

 

 

Why does he have to be so sexy?  Why can't he be mine? Just that he thought of me once while he was on vacay threw me over the top.  I cried, which doesn't say much because I've been crying super easily lately.

 

Thank you for our talk, thank you for tending to me while you work, thank you for sharing apart of you, and extending your listening ear.

 

Everytime I'm with you, I tend to have a song in my heart or words come from deep within and I need to write.

 

He always helps but a smile on my face when I don't want one.

 

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!! You know I love cake!

 

"Always"

 



Ode to the Bestie

 I love you

I love your smile

I love your eyes

I love your height

I love your lips

I love your hands

I love your body

I love your hugs

I love your laughs

 

I love how you have a heart of gold

I love how you love your family

I love how you make everyone around you feel special

I love how you make me feel special

I love how you see the beauty in things

I love your passion

I love how you are so talented in so many areas

I love that look you give that makes me so giddy for you

I love how being around you makes me feel everything is going to be alright

I love that you accept me for me

I love how you make me laugh

I love that you "play" and let me bother you when I'm sure you don't want to be bothered

 

You are the first person that I've had such strong feelings for

You are the first person that I've told people that "I love him"

You are the first person that no matter my feelings, I always want to be with you

You make me happy

You give me butterflies

You are my bestfriend

You are the first thing I think about in the morning

You are the last person I think about before I go to bed

You are the music in my soul

You are the smile in my heart

I sometimes wish you were the one that will be in my life forever

I wish I had your heart the same as you have mine (darn sire bond)

I wish it were your hands that I could hold at the movies, walking down the street or when I want

I wish it were your lips I could kiss every moment of the day

I wish you were the one I could come home to each day

I wish it was your arms that I can find rest in

I wish you were the one I could cuddle up to and put my cold feet under

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your smile every morning

 

Thank you for being my friend

Thank you for showing me that I can be pretty

Thank you for listening to me talk and vent

Thank you for seeing the beauty inside of me

Thank you for letting me invade your space

Thank you for your patience

Thank you for being my roadie, even though you are leary about my driving

Thank you for looking past my flaws

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for showing me that I can love someone

Thank you for your truthfulness

Thank you for being my light in a dark place

Thank you for helping me think outside my own thoughts

Thank you for giving me hope when all else seems hopeless

Thank you for being you

 

 

The realization of knowing that you are not "The one" hurts my heart daily

How do I get my heart back, how do I love you like a friend and not more

Here is my confession, I say you are my bestfriend but secretly want you as more

I've been untrue to you and myself just so I won't lose the connection

You have changed my life

You have changed my world

I'm a better person because you have entered my life

 

 

 Happy Birthday Buddy

You have reached a milestone

You left a boy and returning a man, Viva Las Vegas!!

I love you more than you will probably ever realize!!!

 

            

 

 

This song reminds me of you...You truly are so beautiful!