Mixed Emotions

I don't want to say good-bye.  Why?  I don't know, it feels like it's something stronger than me pulling me toward him.  Even when I'm being treated unfairly in my eyes, even when I feel unappreciated, even when I don't feel the love...I still want to be with him.

They say it gets better one day at a time, just be patient and give it time.  It's hard when they were your life, you would have gave anything to be their wife.  Learning that real love only comes from up above transcending down from my Heavenly Father.  I hate that I was a bother or couldn't be what they want.  Now it seems like it's all a front. I knew this day was going to come but I still don't understand why I feel so dumb. My love was real that's probably why I can't deal.  I'd rather be dead then go on as planned. 

Call me stupid but I will do anything for him, even if it's not convenient for me.  I said in a previous post, I'm not in love with him anymore but I do love him.  Tonight I was thinking, what's the difference.  Should there be a difference in my action?  In my thinking?

I got a glide yesterday and he "needed" me.  I felt so sorry for him, he was super sick.  I know how he gets when he's sick.  Did I do it because I loved him or because I'm in love with him?  I'm going to say because I love him.  When I get to his house, I wanted to do more but I didn't.  I wanted to "really" take care of him but I didn't.  I wasn't my place and as hard as it was for me to just sit and listen, I did just that.  I wanted to do more and I think now if I did, it would have been because I'm in love with him.  I wanted to curl up next to him and just hold him and rub his back and forehead. I wanted to get a wet cloth and put on his forehead. Again, I wanted to really take care of him.

I will say, Thursday's actions was because I was in love with him.  I brought some juice over and he was disappointed.  It really really hurt my feelings.  I'm telling you, my mind is so strong and people really don't understand and I don't sometimes how my mind talks me out walking in the flesh.  My mind talks me out of reacting ALL the time.  If I didn't care so much about how other people felt, I would be a ticking bomb.  It's so scary.  It's probably been a month and a half since I've hung out with him at his place with everyone.  I enjoy being with everyone but I just don't like activity. I tell myself every single time, you will just leave in advance but it doesn't happen.  It happened a couple of times and I felt bad because they knew what I was doing.  It happened again on Thursday, well I hadn't planned on staying.  I stayed and I told myself I would just leave but at that moment, that feeling of I love him and I want to be around him and so on happened.  I was asked to sit by him even though I think he wanted the other girl to sit by him. He was flirting with her and I tried with all my might to not let it get to me.  No matter what I say and do inside my head to not feel sad or jealous, it tears me up each time. A side note: Two different incidents, he took double takes of some chicks while I was with him.  I've never seen him do that before.  I just felt the knife repeatedly being stabbed in my heart.  Sorry got a little side track, so later on that night, we were joking and playing and it felt like old times again. He was being flirtatious but I had to tell myself, this is NOT how he is feeling it was the situation.

It's like a game!  Don't play your feelings and you won't get hurt.

Last night, felt almost normal again. I said almost, haha!  We went to the movies to go see TMNT.  Two thumbs up by the way.

I think time away really helped me to detach as well as being treated the way I was.  It hurt and still hurts thinking about it but I guess this is what needed to happen for me to un-attach myself.  I knew it was going to happen but I didn't think it would be so painful.  Main reason why I want to leave this place.  Maybe I wouldn't be so jealous as he lives his life and crushes/likes/loves on other girls.

I miss my friend and I pray that God's will be done in our relationship.

Writing in the New Year

This song will always remind me of you!

These last few weeks have been very emotional.  I do not want to think about this past year of 2013 and I don't want to think about 2014.

I have been playing it really surface today. But I guess I'll go a little deeper.

I'm know people are sick of seeing me post, talk and write about this situation but I can't help it or maybe I can and I just don't want to let go.

"Have you ever been in love, been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand;

Have you ever had someone still your heart away

You'd do anything to make them feel the same; 

Have you ever loved somebody so much it make you cry..."--Brandy

I'll share the video I made for him for Christmas (It wouldn't post must not been meant for me to share).  It made me cry so much while putting it together but it was all done out of love.  I just don't want him to forget about me.  I guess because it already feels like he has.  Even though he has mentioned that he misses me, I have to realize it's going to be different than how I miss him.

I've been thinking how crazy and this is only my perspective but how we connected on so many levels and so fast.  It feels like I've known him my whole life and that we were meant to be. I know it's the past but my family thought we were cute together and they liked him.  His family was wondering, they might have never said anything to him or me but I know.  Even in Chicago, his friends thought there was something between us.

"You can't force chemistry to exist where it doesn't, 

in the same way you can't deny it when it does."

I feel the chemistry. My question is, is it in my head?  To feel chemistry does it take two people?  Have I made up this whole concoction in my head that I think I'm feeling something when there isn't?  So many questions but it's neither here nor there.  He's in a relationship with the person he thinks is "the one".  So what I think, feel, see or anything is irrelevant now.

*Warning, video has profanity in it* I was feeling this video when I heard it.  I also liked the one by 50 cent too.  I chose this one.

I miss him like someone misses their mate, spouse, or significant other.  Have I been blinded by love, lust, or infatuation?

Love isn't a feeling, it's shaving your balls." -American Wedding (I'm watching right now, lol)

I've been thinking a lot this past week after talking with him last week.  When I seen him, my feelings were still there and his hug, oh his hug!!!  It makes me weak.  But that's besides the point, I totally understand some of the things she's going through.  I commend her for talking about it.  I just learned to love and cried through it.  Then there are some things that make me want to slap the mess out of her.  Don't judge me. It's still hard to hear how he feels about her because it's exactly how I feel about him.  The exact same words that I have written down and feelings.  I'm happy for him and I just want him to be happy.

Memories:

I surprised him for his birthday

Skyzone, I almost died and he got it on video, resting between his legs not to lose my life

He was with me on my birthday in Atlanta (Best memory and road trip of the year)

Chicago trip that he took charge of, meeting his other best friend
Our talk in the vacant unit (miss those and love our talks)
House sitting while he was gone (miss his bed, teddy, and blankets but mostly with him in it; sung him a video song from Ps. was so scared)
He and his cousin made dinner and he brought me a plate (made me feel some kind of way)
He bought me a Snicker ice cream bar by surprise(I've always wanted to try) (it's the little things)

Meeting his dad and other family members

September, the day my heart was ripped out (Thankful for a friend who called and prayed me through, I was ready to leave this world that night)

Our first reunion on my last day of work (heartfelt)

Lunch at KC smoke burgers (man good conversations)

Being able to watch the video I made for him for Christmas (Priceless)

For the New Year, I have to and I think I'm ready to let go of these feelings and heal.  I'm ready to let go of these feelings.  I want to be able to just be his friend.  I'm ready to accept that God knows best.  Even if I'm not ready, I have to be ready...it's time.

"What hurts the most, is letting go

just to let you know, that I love you." --Monica

I'm so scared. I'm scared that I will never love someone unconditionally like this before.  I scared that I will never have a relationship that meant so much. I'm scared that I will never feel loved like this again. I'm scared that I will never open up again.  I'm so scared of so many things.  Yes, I have fear issues, I'm working on it.

"All my life, I prayed for someone like you" -Jodeci

I still get butterflies when I'm around him.  My heart pounds at the thought of looking at his social media page.  My heart started pounding a little harder just writing that.  I want to know what's going on in his life since we don't talk anymore but my heart can't handle seeing pics of them, reading comments about them or anything pertaining to "them".  I think it's so childish and people don't understand, shoot, I don't understand.  I can usually turn "it" off just like that and not care or fake it until I don't. It usually works.

"See it don't take a rocket scientist to know I love you

And it don't take a rocket scientist to know I need you

Never dreamed I'd be so happy and sure of myself" --702

Through all these feelings, I have a confession that I could only confess to him.

I don't know what the Lord has in store for our relationship.  I know that I pray for him more than I pray for myself.  His grandma has been in my spirit a lot lately and I seem to pray for her and his whole family.  I think about his best friend and sister.  I pray God's will.  Of course I want him to stay in my life but I have to be in a better emotional state so I can be the friend he needs.

I will always be grateful for the times we shared, the memories, good times, fun times and every moment with him.  Forever in my heart and prayers.  I'll love you more and always, your #999,999,999 + infinite!!!

Right or Wrong?

I have so many ole school songs going through my head right now.

Saturday morning, I had such a good conversation and much needed text with the Bestie.  Of course I would have loved to have heard his voice but just grateful for any moment of communication as we don't do it very often anymore.  I knew this was going to happen once I left.

I knew my next adventure meant that some doors were going to be closed.  I did not nor do not want the doors on our relationship to close.  That's my Bestie, my BFF, my Ace boon coon, and my heart.  However, I know that sometimes certain things have to happen in our lives that we may not agree so that we can grow.

The only reason I could think that these doors need to close on our relationship is so that I could truly heal and stop loving him so much.  I didn't really even see the doors closing but me just stepping away.  My thinking is if I didn't see him, that just maybe my feelings would go away and I could get over him and be fine.  Then we could reconnect and I would be able to follow him again on social media's, hang out with him and his girlfriend and everything be fine and "normal".  WRONG!!!  It feels like it's gotten worse.  I want to talk to him more and spend time with him more.  It's crazy.  I think that I've done a darn good job at not stalking him so much.  I have to literally fight every thing inside of me to not bother him.  It hurts so bad and I spend a lot of days crying and many nights pondering.

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, 

relationship we are afraid to take, 

and the decisions we waited too long to make."

I regret so much that I didn't listen to some of my friends and said something before I left on my cruise about how I felt about him.  I was so scared and wanted to stand on what I believed.  It sometimes eats me up but I try to lean to God as much as possible to help me to move on and not let the could of, should of and would of keep me depressed.

I don't know why it's been easier now to express how I feel then when his heart didn't belong to someone.  I know it's not fair and I try not to sow seeds that I don't want to reap later.

This sums up a lot of me.  I don't understand why I'm acting this way, why I'm feeling this way and why I can't turn it off like I normally can.

Then we had lunch today.  I just went out on a limb and asked and was thinking he was going to turn me down like several times before.  Well mostly he doesn't respond so I take that as a no.  I was totally shocked that he said yes.

Let me back up...This morning he sent a have a good day text!  I was in training about I smiled so hard and felt so warm and fuzzy on the inside.  When we first met, he used to do that every morning and it just made my day.  Those are some of the little things that I miss.  Before I read his text, I wasn't really feeling training but when I got his text, MAN, it was like I just had a burst of energy!  I want to cry right now just thinking about how something so small made my heart smile.  That was nothing but God.

So I pick him up for lunch and the first thing he does when he gets in the car was give me a hug!  He smelled soooooo soooooo goooooood *insert obscene word* I could have literally melted!  I wanted to exhale so bad at that moment but had to keep it in.  Real stuff!!!  Anyways, I used to get those hugs all the time when we first met.  I do not take them for granted.  I MISS those hugs.  Something about his hugs makes me feel so at peace in his arms.  I'm not saying that because I like him but I feel safe, I feel that everything is okay now.  I can't explain but God and I know.

Today was the best lunch ever, okay in a long time.  Everything felt so right, is that wrong?  I don't know if I can explain but I'll try.  It was like when we first met, it just felt like it was meant to be.  The two weeks that I hadn't seen him all went away.  I was happy.  My stress and worries were gone.  When I'm around him, I seem to always feel that things are going to be alright, weird.  I could probably be floating in a tornado but as long as he's with me, I would be fine.  I miss his voice, seeing the expressions on his face when he's talking about things, he has so much passion.  I resisted so many urges.  I just don't want to sow the wrong seeds.  I always feel that I do because I know the feelings that I fight every minute, I know my thoughts and I want to be respectful to their relationship (even tho...).

I could have sat and talked with him for hours and it not even faze me.  I did not want our time to end.  It's so sad that we are in the same city and I had to hold back tears and emotions when he was leaving because I already missed him and didn't want our time to end.  I played it off pretty well, I don't think he had no clue.  We are in the same city and it feels like we are states away.

My heart literally hurts.  People may not understand, shoot I didn't understand until I met him.  I think about him every minute, I only cry maybe once a week now but get headaches a lot more because I think about our situation but as soon as I get a text, hear his voice, or see him.  It's like it all disappears.

Is it wrong that everything always feels so right when I'm with him?

Lord, you know my heart, you know my prayers but more importantly, you know what's best for me.  Your will be done. In Jesus name.

B.F.....f

This was during Labor Day weekend in Chicago.  I think we look perfect together.  This was taken two days before he asked his now girlfriend to be his girlfriend.  Crazy, I know and so hard for me to think about.

He stopped in today at work to use the computer.  He was getting ready to head out without saying hi.  My heart almost dropped.  Then he came back and said hi and gave me a hug.  He smelled so good.  He puts a smile on my face every time I see him.  I can't stop smiling when I'm around him.

So I told him that I would really like to see him on Tuesday as it's my last day.  Sad that I have to say that to my best friend but I don't think that I will see him again.  Of course not by my wanting.  He says, this will be the last time I see you...well consistently.  I was thinking to myself, no you had it right the first time.  He says, you probably end of moving and you tell me that you are in North Carolina and you have three kids and they have kids and their kids have kids and....Oh God is calling me I gotta go.  He makes me laugh but he's right.  I was like you will probably see it on facebook. It hurts to think that he's thinking of life without me in it.  When I always think about life with him in it.  Guess, that's where I need to change my thinking which hurts to do so.

He was taking a selfie and I did what I do best "photo bomb".  I love photo bombing his pics.  I'm sure he probably got tired of me always doing that but I guess he doesn't have to worry about it now. Tear, tear!!!  He is so adorbz!!!

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart..."

Cheating Myself

"The One I Gave My Heart To"  Aaliyah

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?
How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?

How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

 

As I left tonight, this is the first song that came to my heart.  I kept singing the first two lines over and over for about 4 miles on the way home and then youtubed the video.

Answer: Because he's not mine

 

 

I know he kept me there so I could meet her but I didn't want to meet her.  I've been dreading this day and it came.  It was so awkward, watching them flirt with each other.  It made my heart hurt and made my stomache sick.  I wanted to leave SOOOO bad.  I wanted him to introduce me real quick and then I could say nice to meet you but I'm heading out.  Oh no, they were so indulged in each other and touchy feely for about 10 mins before she introduced herself.  I wanted to say so bad to them excuse me my name is and I'm heading out the door but I was trying not to be rude.

 

I'm proud of myself because I wanted to just cry so hard but as this song was going through my head, I kept telling myself, it will be okay and then I was so upset that he still has my heart and wondering when I would not have feelings for him.  Then something I heard on Vam Di tonight was that the love will go away once you fall in love again with someone else.  Well, so freaking hopeless.  I don't normally fall in love, like or attraction with anyone, I don't know how it happened with him.  

 

Those who are attracted to me are old enough to be my daddy or my grandpa (singing, I'm not your daddy I'm your grandpa...yep, you sure are).  Then I fall for someone who is old enough to be my son.  Just HOPELESS!!

 

The bad thing about this is that I needed him in my life at the point he showed up.  So many good things have come out of our relationship and I think good things continue to come out of our friendship.  This is just a hurdle that I need to get over because clearly he is completely fine and loses no sleep or sheds a tear. 

 

I hear people telling me that his time in my life has come to an end and to be fair to me as well as him, I need to walk away.  I cannot heal if I continue to succumb myself to his life.  I had gotten the same word and that is why I want to leave here because I think it would be easier to be out of his life if I didn't live here.  I love him and how can I stop loving him if I continue to fall for him each time we talk.  But yet, I need him (that's what I believe anyways).

 

I had an epiphany on the way home.  I continue to run, thinking I'm running away from my problems when I'm really not going anywhere.

 

 

Truth is...my heart hurts when he talks about her on fb or in general, he comments on her posts, when she comments on his, when they tag each other, or just anything involving her makes me cry because it hurts.  Jealousy is one of the deadly sins and I pray that God forgives me for taking on that trait.  I hate feeling this way, I don't know her but it's just the fact that she has his heart and I wish it was me but then again I don't. 

 

I continue to give him what I would give my spouse.  However, he doesn't respond the way I expect because he is NOT the one and he will not understand the love behind my actions.  No fault to him but he's not going to because I'm not suppose to do it for him.  I'm only cheating me.

 

I just pray for the day that the heartaches will stop and I will look at him as a friend only.

 

Ode to the Bestie

 I love you

I love your smile

I love your eyes

I love your height

I love your lips

I love your hands

I love your body

I love your hugs

I love your laughs

 

I love how you have a heart of gold

I love how you love your family

I love how you make everyone around you feel special

I love how you make me feel special

I love how you see the beauty in things

I love your passion

I love how you are so talented in so many areas

I love that look you give that makes me so giddy for you

I love how being around you makes me feel everything is going to be alright

I love that you accept me for me

I love how you make me laugh

I love that you "play" and let me bother you when I'm sure you don't want to be bothered

 

You are the first person that I've had such strong feelings for

You are the first person that I've told people that "I love him"

You are the first person that no matter my feelings, I always want to be with you

You make me happy

You give me butterflies

You are my bestfriend

You are the first thing I think about in the morning

You are the last person I think about before I go to bed

You are the music in my soul

You are the smile in my heart

I sometimes wish you were the one that will be in my life forever

I wish I had your heart the same as you have mine (darn sire bond)

I wish it were your hands that I could hold at the movies, walking down the street or when I want

I wish it were your lips I could kiss every moment of the day

I wish you were the one I could come home to each day

I wish it was your arms that I can find rest in

I wish you were the one I could cuddle up to and put my cold feet under

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your smile every morning

 

Thank you for being my friend

Thank you for showing me that I can be pretty

Thank you for listening to me talk and vent

Thank you for seeing the beauty inside of me

Thank you for letting me invade your space

Thank you for your patience

Thank you for being my roadie, even though you are leary about my driving

Thank you for looking past my flaws

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for showing me that I can love someone

Thank you for your truthfulness

Thank you for being my light in a dark place

Thank you for helping me think outside my own thoughts

Thank you for giving me hope when all else seems hopeless

Thank you for being you

 

 

The realization of knowing that you are not "The one" hurts my heart daily

How do I get my heart back, how do I love you like a friend and not more

Here is my confession, I say you are my bestfriend but secretly want you as more

I've been untrue to you and myself just so I won't lose the connection

You have changed my life

You have changed my world

I'm a better person because you have entered my life

 

 

 Happy Birthday Buddy

You have reached a milestone

You left a boy and returning a man, Viva Las Vegas!!

I love you more than you will probably ever realize!!!

 

            

 

 

This song reminds me of you...You truly are so beautiful!

 

I Can Make It

My day was just going until I saw him today.  I get so mad at myself but I get so excited to see him.  He puts a smile on my face and everyone in the room just vanishes.  Today as he peeped around the corner, he really caught my attention.  Love the slick hair look.  It really brought out his face.

He caught me by surprise when he asked about the poem.  I was seriously nervous and holding my tears back as I wanted to share but was not prepared. I finally read it not the way I rehearsed but it came out super fast and I'm sure he didn't comprehend any of it. On the last poem, it was helpful to hear that he thinks the same thing, we are drifting apart.  Mainly because of life.  He said, You will always be my buddy.  For the first time since I've known him, I didn't believe him.  I don't know why.  Even since I've known him, I've believed the words that come out of his mouth.  

As he walked out the door the way he did today,
It ended my Friday in such a way
That I can't deny,
It nearly made me cry.
I held back tears and
The words that I feared
I wanted to chase after him but he's not mine
I wanted to scream and whine
He walked out the door and said I'll see you Monday.
Wow, I was thinking not even Saturday or Sunday?

Excuse my words as I splurge on the feelings you just heard.
I felt like crap and really wanted to snap back
What was that going to prove? 
Nothing only that I disapproved.
Of his actions and his response
And how he walked out so nonchalance

The feelings I had for him, I dare not share
But he walked out on me like he never cared.
The old me wants to come out
Only to protect me from this doubt.

As much as this incident made all feelings semi-vanish for him
He's always the first person I think of to text, call or go to the gym.
I got a invitation in the mail,
I wanted to call and ask him to see if he would sail.

My feelings were hurt and I was mad
I usually dismiss people without feeling bad.
However, I'm struggling not to texted him or facebook,
So I've decided to write this mega book.

I let my guard down was it so wrong?
Now I can't get him out of this song.
I chose to take the chance to open my heart
And would do it again from the very start.

It's going to be a process, this I understand
Today with what happened, I believe now I can withstand.
I'm going to be okay by myself
This will give me time to clean my shelf! :)

Things happen for a reason, this we know
I now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Moving On

Moving on is hard to do,
Especially when you care about someone special like I do.
His life is progressing
And no I don't think it's depressing.
I'm battling on the inside,
from my head to my heart,
all the emotions I had from the very start.
If this is what it feels like to let your guard down,
for some odd reason, I think I'd rather drown.
I did this to myself, I can't blame anyone
but for some odd reason I hear Antoine Dodson saying, "You are really really dumb"!

My feelings for him are subsiding
And now all I want to do is go in hiding.
Other thoughts are going through my heard
But I've been trying to rebuke them because the enemy wants me dead.
It's not because of him or anything he did,
Sometimes I just go through these cumbersome times.
It's coming at a time that's hard indeed,
when I feel like I'm losing my friend, my partner, my buddy!

I've thought and I wondered but mostly pondered,
I hope it's not me that's pushing him away,
All because my feelings got in the way.

From my view, I feel like we are drifting apart,
I hope it's not time for our friendship to depart.
They say people in your life are seasons
And everything happens for a reason.

How do you move on?
How do you go back to being strong?
I'm trying to move forward without regret,
Does that mean that I need to forget.
How he made me feel, the trips that we took,
the plans we've talked about, Oh I could write a book.

I'm moving on, that's what I'm doing,
I hope things work out and doesn't go capooie!
I'm moving on and that feeling is so strong,
I'm letting him live his life and I'm not going to throw my thong.

Life is going good for him, he's motivated, happy and hopeful,
I will keep praying that he stays on a positive track
And hopefully he will feel that God has his back.

One last selfish prayer that I ask in your name
that you would please open some doors in my life.
I'm tired, I'm drained, I'm an emotinal wreck,
Some days, I just need someone to rub my neck.
Since there is no sign of Boaz in this near future,
I'm hoping change in my life will keep me fruitful.
I'm moving on...it feels without my buddy.

Quality Time with Him

You invited me to church and I didn't want to go,
I felt so bad when I said no.
It hurt my heart when you said, "I wanted you to go",
but I couldn't go and face this new girl so.
I don't want to share you with anyone else just yet,
and definitely not see the girl you want to wed.

Dinner and a movie is what we did,
I'm so proud that I did not chip in.
I didn't think twice and it felt so nice,
it was great to spend the evening with you last night.
I know we are just friends how can I forget,
as I think about the other girl you just met.

I need to set more strict boundaries which is so hard
but if I don't, I'm going to keep falling like a retard.
I'm stronger than this, this much I know
but when your hearts involved it makes you weaker than snow.

I enjoy your friendship and I don't want to lose it
but if I keep acting like a maniac, you're going to duece it.
As the weekend comes to an end and I wish we had more time,
I'm already looking forward to next time.

My HEART...

My heart hurts because I'm sad,

it even hurts because I'm glad.

I received an answer that I already knew

but hearing it still made me blue.

Deep down inside is where the answered lied

but I played with my flesh and started to cry.

 

He found someone that makes him blush,

when I heard the news, I was just crushed.

I watched as he glowed,

when he talked about her so.

My feelings were true,

I was happy for my boo

because I understood,

how she made him feel so good.

 

The things he feels for her,

are the same things I feel about him.

Wanting to do better, the feeling of being alive

and those butterflies deep down inside.

He wonders if she's the one,

but hesistates because she's too young.

His heart wants to pursue her,

his inner self is saying is it true girl.

Yet fear has control

and sometimes it's hard to let go.

I know this is so true

because this is how I felt about you too.

 

Lord I'm on my knees begging you please

to take these feelings for him away from me.

Let me be the friend he needs

in good times, bad times or whatever it may be.

 

Lord please forgive me of my little faith,

continue to keep me in your Mercy and Grace.

 

Thank you for loving me despite what I do.

thank you for forgiving me for not following you.

 

Prepare me Lord as I wait,

keep me on the narrow and straight.

You are the potter and I am the clay,

Lord mold and make me new each and everyday.

I Don't Want To Ride

The amusement park opened yesterday for the season, yay! Um, not!  Well I enjoy going to the amusement park but not to fond of the rides.  The only rides that I seem to really enjoy are the water ones. You can also get some good people watching assessment in.  This is where they should have taken us in college to assess people, not the student union.

My life seems to be a big emotional rollercoaster at times (alot of times) and that may be why I'm opposed to rollercoasters at amusement parks.  Now, I will give the disclaimer that my unwanted guest is here and that doesn't help with the emotions.  It seems to always show up at the wrong time...but then again, when is the right time?

Days like today when my emotion is everywhere, I KNOW I need to get up and out of the house but I don't.  I'm a great host of pity parties where there is a party of one and I'm not proud of that but I am aware of what happens. 

I've started this past week in full mode of my vision book.  For me it seems like the older I get, the less my life goals are obtainable.  I think about where I want to be in life and what I want but life sometimes seems like I'm at a deadend and there is no way out.  My hope is that this vision book will help put the fire back in my life and give me something to reach for in life and to remember.

I am the daughter of the most high and He knows the plan for my life and future.  He has good things in store for me and my current situation is not my future.  God wants my emotions to be stable and not every which direction.  I must be content with my life and hold on to the promise that God will never leave me and I'm not alone and he has more for me.