I don't want to say good-bye. Why? I don't know, it feels like it's something stronger than me pulling me toward him. Even when I'm being treated unfairly in my eyes, even when I feel unappreciated, even when I don't feel the love...I still want to be with him.
They say it gets better one day at a time, just be patient and give it time. It's hard when they were your life, you would have gave anything to be their wife. Learning that real love only comes from up above transcending down from my Heavenly Father. I hate that I was a bother or couldn't be what they want. Now it seems like it's all a front. I knew this day was going to come but I still don't understand why I feel so dumb. My love was real that's probably why I can't deal. I'd rather be dead then go on as planned.
Call me stupid but I will do anything for him, even if it's not convenient for me. I said in a previous post, I'm not in love with him anymore but I do love him. Tonight I was thinking, what's the difference. Should there be a difference in my action? In my thinking?
I got a glide yesterday and he "needed" me. I felt so sorry for him, he was super sick. I know how he gets when he's sick. Did I do it because I loved him or because I'm in love with him? I'm going to say because I love him. When I get to his house, I wanted to do more but I didn't. I wanted to "really" take care of him but I didn't. I wasn't my place and as hard as it was for me to just sit and listen, I did just that. I wanted to do more and I think now if I did, it would have been because I'm in love with him. I wanted to curl up next to him and just hold him and rub his back and forehead. I wanted to get a wet cloth and put on his forehead. Again, I wanted to really take care of him.
I will say, Thursday's actions was because I was in love with him. I brought some juice over and he was disappointed. It really really hurt my feelings. I'm telling you, my mind is so strong and people really don't understand and I don't sometimes how my mind talks me out walking in the flesh. My mind talks me out of reacting ALL the time. If I didn't care so much about how other people felt, I would be a ticking bomb. It's so scary. It's probably been a month and a half since I've hung out with him at his place with everyone. I enjoy being with everyone but I just don't like activity. I tell myself every single time, you will just leave in advance but it doesn't happen. It happened a couple of times and I felt bad because they knew what I was doing. It happened again on Thursday, well I hadn't planned on staying. I stayed and I told myself I would just leave but at that moment, that feeling of I love him and I want to be around him and so on happened. I was asked to sit by him even though I think he wanted the other girl to sit by him. He was flirting with her and I tried with all my might to not let it get to me. No matter what I say and do inside my head to not feel sad or jealous, it tears me up each time. A side note: Two different incidents, he took double takes of some chicks while I was with him. I've never seen him do that before. I just felt the knife repeatedly being stabbed in my heart. Sorry got a little side track, so later on that night, we were joking and playing and it felt like old times again. He was being flirtatious but I had to tell myself, this is NOT how he is feeling it was the situation.
It's like a game! Don't play your feelings and you won't get hurt.
Last night, felt almost normal again. I said almost, haha! We went to the movies to go see TMNT. Two thumbs up by the way.
I think time away really helped me to detach as well as being treated the way I was. It hurt and still hurts thinking about it but I guess this is what needed to happen for me to un-attach myself. I knew it was going to happen but I didn't think it would be so painful. Main reason why I want to leave this place. Maybe I wouldn't be so jealous as he lives his life and crushes/likes/loves on other girls.
I miss my friend and I pray that God's will be done in our relationship.
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