Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it." --God's Word Translation
I've always seemed to guard my heart pretty well. Matter's that didn't matter, I was good at dismissing them. However, as I have gotten older that has changed.
I've wondered that maybe I'm still single because I haven't opened my heart enough. I tend not to let people in. So I opened my heart to one in particular knowing he wasn't the "one". Now I'm in this emotional whirl wind and it hurts.
I can't help to think that this irrational decision came because I've been stressed out. This past year, I haven't been myself. Received confirmation at a burnout training I went to last Wednesday that because of stress and being burnt out, I've lost my short term memory and making choices that I would normally not make.
I do things for him, one, because he's my friend but two, mainly because I like him. He doesn't respond to my gestures the way I think he should and I know it's because I shouldn't be doing it for him in the manner that I am. I know I shouldn't be doing it for him but I think that maybe it will change his mind about me when deep down inside I know it's not going to change. Also, I feel like it's good practice for when Boaz comes IF he comes.
I put him and his needs/wants in front of mine because I care even though I've been hurt several times with my decision (I can only blame myself). Everytime he talks or mentions "her", I tear up. Good thing I sweat alot because you can't tell the difference between tears and sweat. I tell him he breaks my heart but I think he thinks I'm playing but I'm being so forreal. Again, I can't fault him because it's me that cares.
In reality, I want his friendship. Why? He's super funny and always makes me laugh. He's so easy to talk to. He reminds me of a male version of me. He's non-judgemental and supportive. Just seeing him makes my day so much better. He makes me smile. I seriously could go on and on.
He has so many qualities that I want in my Boaz. It's so hard because I'm starting to lose hope and I think that's why I opened my heart to him.
This is my prayer...
I want to be so lost in God again that these feelings I have for him are gone. These feelings I have for a companion will be gone. That I will be happy again single, I'll be pleased with my life, and contentment is reality.
Dear God, my heart is open to those things that are not of you. Please protect my heart. Help me to guard this source of life that you have given me. Forgive me for not using the wisdom and strength you have given me to substain from these emotional rollercoasters and irrational decisions. Stir up the strength inside of me to move past these feelings and my comfort zone and to make a change for the best for my life. Lord, if I'm called to be single, please help me to accept it and if there is someone for me, show him to me in your timing but help me to be hopeful while I'll wait.. I thank you in advance. Amen.
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