A Little Understanding

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it." --Mitch Albom, Five People You Meet in Heaven

I've been pondering this quote since I've seen it.  For about a month, I just kept thinking.  Well I understood why I felt what I did but I couldn't understand why I no longer needed to feel it.  The only think I kept thinking was because he wasn't mine.

My friend's cousin, posted on ig, "We always want who we can't have...Man, ish sucks"

My response, "And because we want them, doesn't mean we are suppose to have them.  Sucks (meaning hurt also) the same but we must refocus and keep moving forward.  God has someone for you but while you're waiting, let Him work on those areas that need worked on.  Keep your head up."

It was kind of weird, it was almost automatic when I started writing on his post.  I was talking to myself as I was writing it and I needed that word for me just at that moment.  I've heard this word from many people during my struggle with my situation but for some reason, I felt a little release as I was writing it for him.  I wanted to go on and say but this was the word for me, sometimes we can't have them at this moment because it's not meant for us to have them but it may be meant for us to have them later on.

It was at this moment when I read his post that I realized why I no longer need to feel what I felt.  Because I have things that I need to work on in my life so that I can be the woman, wife, mother, and help mate that God has called me to be and I want to be for my spouse.  But more importantly, he has things that he needs to see, work on and understand in order to be the man God has called him to be.

Sometimes we think we are ready for a relationship or ready to be with "the one" for the rest of our lives.  I mean come on, how much longer do we have to wait.  But in reality, there is something that we can always work on.  Even in our married state, we need to work on things about ourselves.  So then you ask, why can't I work on these things while I'm married?  There are some things that need to be worked out as a single person and if it's not corrected before marriage, marriage could end or not turn out how it should.

"Reflect, Refocus, and move Forward"

Thank you Lord for this revelation.  I had been struggling for some time about this situation and did not understand why.  I know you probably got tired of me asking why and crying out to you that I don't understand.  Yet you continue to be there and let me vent to you.  Thank you for being a God who wants the best for me and my life.  Lord as I wait on you, fix those areas in my life that need fixing.  Help me to love me for me and to see me how you see me.  Thank you for always loving me and sending people in my life to show me your love even though it's hard to receive.  Lord help me to receive your love and be comfortable in receiving at not always giving.  I pray your will be done in my life, situation, my friends life and his cousin. Your name I pray Jesus. Amen.

B.F.....f

This was during Labor Day weekend in Chicago.  I think we look perfect together.  This was taken two days before he asked his now girlfriend to be his girlfriend.  Crazy, I know and so hard for me to think about.

He stopped in today at work to use the computer.  He was getting ready to head out without saying hi.  My heart almost dropped.  Then he came back and said hi and gave me a hug.  He smelled so good.  He puts a smile on my face every time I see him.  I can't stop smiling when I'm around him.

So I told him that I would really like to see him on Tuesday as it's my last day.  Sad that I have to say that to my best friend but I don't think that I will see him again.  Of course not by my wanting.  He says, this will be the last time I see you...well consistently.  I was thinking to myself, no you had it right the first time.  He says, you probably end of moving and you tell me that you are in North Carolina and you have three kids and they have kids and their kids have kids and....Oh God is calling me I gotta go.  He makes me laugh but he's right.  I was like you will probably see it on facebook. It hurts to think that he's thinking of life without me in it.  When I always think about life with him in it.  Guess, that's where I need to change my thinking which hurts to do so.

He was taking a selfie and I did what I do best "photo bomb".  I love photo bombing his pics.  I'm sure he probably got tired of me always doing that but I guess he doesn't have to worry about it now. Tear, tear!!!  He is so adorbz!!!

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart..."

Will it Pass?

It's 3:53a and I've been up since 2:30a.  This has been my routine these past few days.  These last two days, I have not want to press through and pray.  I've been in my emotions.

I miss my best friend, my soul mate, my heart...

How do you move forward from the feelings that are so strong that ONLY you feel?  He has moved on with his life and I'm still struggling.  It totally SUCKS.  Keeping busy is not the answer, being alone is not the answer, I've tried to give it up like it's a bad habit but really?

I talked about inner strength yesterday and I know the God in me is strong enough to get past this.  I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep, waking up at 3a and crying, almost every waking minute.  The thought of losing him hurts so bad.

Well I've already lost him.  He has moved on with his girlfriend aka future wife.  Yes, the green-eyed monster has hit me and I'm fully aware of it.  I know jealousy is not of God and I should not harbor just feelings.  I never would have thought that I would exhibit such feelings.  I can't follow him on social media because I can't handle seeing pictures of them together.  It literally hurts down to my soul.  That's the only way I can explain it.  I try and visit his page once every 2-3 weeks to see if I've moved on and can handle following him but every time I do, I feel like I fall 30 steps back.  It always makes it worse.  I wonder if I will ever be able to follow him again.

The only person I blame for feeling this way is me.  It was my choice from the beginning.

It scares me because my last day of work is Tuesday and I think this might be the last time I will see him or even talk to him.  I'm so scared of the door closing on our friendship but maybe it's time to move on.  I don't want to because of my own selfishness but that's "normal" right?

Maybe this was the way the door was going to close?  I actually was waiting for him to tell me that we can't be friends and that he had an ultimatum.  Which verbally that didn't happen but his actions speak louder than words.  She sent a message to me by "marking" her territory.  For me, that showed me that she is/was jealous of our relationship which is understandable.  Women, we tend to do things that just makes me shake my head, that's all I'll say without going into what I want to say.

I can't help but look at our pictures and compare them to the few that I've seen of them and think, he looked so much more happier in the ones we have together.  I know that could be me just feeding into my own selfish desires or what not.  Then I have to remind myself, it doesn't matter if he looks happier or even if he truly was happier.  HE HAS MOVED ON!!! So it's time for me to MOVE ON!!!  I DON'T KNOW HOW...I literally yell this in my house and I'm sure my neighbors are probably like, what is wrong with that chick.  She must be going through. Well I'm trying to get through it yes.

Yes, so many regrets...I will put this with the rest of them.

That thought of him still makes me smile.  So many things make me want to call him, text him or tag him.  Sometimes I do but mostly I don't.  He doesn't respond like he use to or doesn't respond at all, so I just take it as a sign that I need to stop trying to hold on to something (friendship) or someone who maybe needs or wants to move on themselves. It's sooo freaking hard!  I genuinely love and care about him. It hurts so much not to reach out to him or stop by.

He's sick right now and I know how he is when he's sick.  He dislikes this season and so on.  These are things that I know and I just want to go and take care of him, cuddle up next to him, get him what he needs.  I feel like I know what he needs BUT he has a girlfriend and that's what she should be doing.  It took everything in me not to drop by and bring him some soup. As a friend, it should be okay, right?  However, I don't trust my own intentions and out of the respect for her...it's best I stay away.

I feel like he needs me but wants her but in reality, I don't know what he needs but I do know that he wants her.  But that's something I don't need to ponder on but I do.  I feel like she doesn't know how to take care of him like I do, she doesn't know what he needs like I do...I laugh now as I write this but these are things that make me shed a tear.

This might be a continual fight until I let go. If I can let go.

And even more...right?

Lesson learned is to: Always guard your heart!
  

Cheating Myself

"The One I Gave My Heart To"  Aaliyah

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?
How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?

How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

 

As I left tonight, this is the first song that came to my heart.  I kept singing the first two lines over and over for about 4 miles on the way home and then youtubed the video.

Answer: Because he's not mine

 

 

I know he kept me there so I could meet her but I didn't want to meet her.  I've been dreading this day and it came.  It was so awkward, watching them flirt with each other.  It made my heart hurt and made my stomache sick.  I wanted to leave SOOOO bad.  I wanted him to introduce me real quick and then I could say nice to meet you but I'm heading out.  Oh no, they were so indulged in each other and touchy feely for about 10 mins before she introduced herself.  I wanted to say so bad to them excuse me my name is and I'm heading out the door but I was trying not to be rude.

 

I'm proud of myself because I wanted to just cry so hard but as this song was going through my head, I kept telling myself, it will be okay and then I was so upset that he still has my heart and wondering when I would not have feelings for him.  Then something I heard on Vam Di tonight was that the love will go away once you fall in love again with someone else.  Well, so freaking hopeless.  I don't normally fall in love, like or attraction with anyone, I don't know how it happened with him.  

 

Those who are attracted to me are old enough to be my daddy or my grandpa (singing, I'm not your daddy I'm your grandpa...yep, you sure are).  Then I fall for someone who is old enough to be my son.  Just HOPELESS!!

 

The bad thing about this is that I needed him in my life at the point he showed up.  So many good things have come out of our relationship and I think good things continue to come out of our friendship.  This is just a hurdle that I need to get over because clearly he is completely fine and loses no sleep or sheds a tear. 

 

I hear people telling me that his time in my life has come to an end and to be fair to me as well as him, I need to walk away.  I cannot heal if I continue to succumb myself to his life.  I had gotten the same word and that is why I want to leave here because I think it would be easier to be out of his life if I didn't live here.  I love him and how can I stop loving him if I continue to fall for him each time we talk.  But yet, I need him (that's what I believe anyways).

 

I had an epiphany on the way home.  I continue to run, thinking I'm running away from my problems when I'm really not going anywhere.

 

 

Truth is...my heart hurts when he talks about her on fb or in general, he comments on her posts, when she comments on his, when they tag each other, or just anything involving her makes me cry because it hurts.  Jealousy is one of the deadly sins and I pray that God forgives me for taking on that trait.  I hate feeling this way, I don't know her but it's just the fact that she has his heart and I wish it was me but then again I don't. 

 

I continue to give him what I would give my spouse.  However, he doesn't respond the way I expect because he is NOT the one and he will not understand the love behind my actions.  No fault to him but he's not going to because I'm not suppose to do it for him.  I'm only cheating me.

 

I just pray for the day that the heartaches will stop and I will look at him as a friend only.

 

Ode to the Bestie

 I love you

I love your smile

I love your eyes

I love your height

I love your lips

I love your hands

I love your body

I love your hugs

I love your laughs

 

I love how you have a heart of gold

I love how you love your family

I love how you make everyone around you feel special

I love how you make me feel special

I love how you see the beauty in things

I love your passion

I love how you are so talented in so many areas

I love that look you give that makes me so giddy for you

I love how being around you makes me feel everything is going to be alright

I love that you accept me for me

I love how you make me laugh

I love that you "play" and let me bother you when I'm sure you don't want to be bothered

 

You are the first person that I've had such strong feelings for

You are the first person that I've told people that "I love him"

You are the first person that no matter my feelings, I always want to be with you

You make me happy

You give me butterflies

You are my bestfriend

You are the first thing I think about in the morning

You are the last person I think about before I go to bed

You are the music in my soul

You are the smile in my heart

I sometimes wish you were the one that will be in my life forever

I wish I had your heart the same as you have mine (darn sire bond)

I wish it were your hands that I could hold at the movies, walking down the street or when I want

I wish it were your lips I could kiss every moment of the day

I wish you were the one I could come home to each day

I wish it was your arms that I can find rest in

I wish you were the one I could cuddle up to and put my cold feet under

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your smile every morning

 

Thank you for being my friend

Thank you for showing me that I can be pretty

Thank you for listening to me talk and vent

Thank you for seeing the beauty inside of me

Thank you for letting me invade your space

Thank you for your patience

Thank you for being my roadie, even though you are leary about my driving

Thank you for looking past my flaws

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for showing me that I can love someone

Thank you for your truthfulness

Thank you for being my light in a dark place

Thank you for helping me think outside my own thoughts

Thank you for giving me hope when all else seems hopeless

Thank you for being you

 

 

The realization of knowing that you are not "The one" hurts my heart daily

How do I get my heart back, how do I love you like a friend and not more

Here is my confession, I say you are my bestfriend but secretly want you as more

I've been untrue to you and myself just so I won't lose the connection

You have changed my life

You have changed my world

I'm a better person because you have entered my life

 

 

 Happy Birthday Buddy

You have reached a milestone

You left a boy and returning a man, Viva Las Vegas!!

I love you more than you will probably ever realize!!!

 

            

 

 

This song reminds me of you...You truly are so beautiful!

 

Guard Your Heart

Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it."  --God's Word Translation

I've always seemed to guard my heart pretty well.  Matter's that didn't matter, I was good at dismissing them.  However, as I have gotten older that has changed.

 

I've wondered that maybe I'm still single because I haven't opened my heart enough.  I tend not to let people in. So I opened my heart to one in particular knowing he wasn't the "one".  Now I'm in this emotional whirl wind and it hurts.

 

I can't help to think that this irrational decision came because I've been stressed out.  This past year, I haven't been myself.   Received confirmation at a burnout training I went to last Wednesday that because of stress and being burnt out, I've lost my short term memory and making choices that I would normally not make.

 

I continue to put my heart out there for someone who is not mine.  I'm so confused because I've never been the one to have such problems.  Again, I know he's not the one but he has my heart.  I'm trying to be just friends and I do okay until... I don't know how to get my heart back from him.

I do things for him, one, because he's my friend but two, mainly because I like him.  He doesn't respond to my gestures the way I think he should and I know it's because I shouldn't be doing it for him in the manner that I am.  I know I shouldn't be doing it for him but I think that maybe it will change his mind about me when deep down inside I know it's not going to change.  Also, I feel like it's good practice for when Boaz comes IF he comes.

I put him and his needs/wants in front of mine because I care even though I've been hurt several times with my decision (I can only blame myself).  Everytime he talks or mentions "her", I tear up.  Good thing I sweat alot because you can't tell the difference between tears and sweat.  I tell him he breaks my heart but I think he thinks I'm playing but I'm being so forreal.  Again, I can't fault him because it's me that cares. 

In reality, I want his friendship.  Why?  He's super funny and always makes me laugh.  He's so easy to talk to.  He reminds me of a male version of me.  He's non-judgemental and supportive.  Just seeing him makes my day so much better.  He makes me smile.  I seriously could go on and on.



He has so many qualities that I want in my Boaz.  It's so hard because I'm starting to lose hope and I think that's why I opened my heart to him.

This is my prayer...



 

I want to be so lost in God again that these feelings I have for him are gone.  These feelings I have for a companion will be gone.  That I will be happy again single, I'll be pleased with my life, and contentment is reality.

 

Dear God, my heart is open to those things that are not of you.  Please protect my heart.  Help me to guard this source of life that you have given me.  Forgive me for not using the wisdom and strength you have given me to substain from these emotional rollercoasters and irrational decisions.  Stir up the strength inside of me to move past these feelings and my comfort zone and to make a change for the best for my life.  Lord, if I'm called to be single, please help me to accept it and if there is someone for me, show him to me in your timing but help me to be hopeful while I'll wait..  I thank you in advance. Amen.

Quality Time with Him

You invited me to church and I didn't want to go,
I felt so bad when I said no.
It hurt my heart when you said, "I wanted you to go",
but I couldn't go and face this new girl so.
I don't want to share you with anyone else just yet,
and definitely not see the girl you want to wed.

Dinner and a movie is what we did,
I'm so proud that I did not chip in.
I didn't think twice and it felt so nice,
it was great to spend the evening with you last night.
I know we are just friends how can I forget,
as I think about the other girl you just met.

I need to set more strict boundaries which is so hard
but if I don't, I'm going to keep falling like a retard.
I'm stronger than this, this much I know
but when your hearts involved it makes you weaker than snow.

I enjoy your friendship and I don't want to lose it
but if I keep acting like a maniac, you're going to duece it.
As the weekend comes to an end and I wish we had more time,
I'm already looking forward to next time.

Am I Ready?

I'm going to start out in a song.  I believe songs speak to our spirit and can describe what we are thinking or going through.

I wish so often that Boaz was here holding me. I long for the time that we can pray together, play together and praise together.

  I want to grow with you, I want to run to you when I'm cold and blue,

I want to look into your eyes and see the love for me that you cannot hide. 

I long for our talks, our walks and just to be near to hear your thoughts. 

I want to be able to run to you and feel safe and for you to know what's wrong by the look on my face. 

I need for you to understand, I need for you to be my man. 

I'm ready for you to guide me with God and prayer, to make this marriage work for now and later.

Side note:  That's all me right there. I just made that up.  I need to copyright that bad boy!

Man, my thoughts sound all nice that it makes you want to roll that dice BUT am I really ready.  My answer is no.

My answer is clear and it's hard to hear but it's true because I still have some loving to do.

How can I allow someone else to love me when I struggle to love myself? How can I believe that he thinks I'm beautiful when I don't.  How can I see what he sees in me when I can't see what my Father sees.

It's not that I don't hear people tell me that I'm "pretty", "beautiful", "a good catch", however in reality I believe that people can just be nice.  I've always prayed that I would be able to see me how God sees me.  Not just outwardly but inwardly.  We can be our biggest hinderance.  

I get a glimpse occasionally of my outwardly beauty.  Just enough to keep me off the ledge. These are a few pics that I've seen in me what others say they see.  Most of these photos have only been from the last 3-4 years.  I know, I've lived my whole life feeling "unpretty". 

It really is a struggle not feeling comfortable in your own skin.  Unfortunately (I think) it has prohibited me from ultimately walking in my potential destiny and really allowing my dreams to become realities.

As I walk this path of being an overcomer of low-self esteem, I speak words of affirmation into my life.  In order for me to believe what others say and see, I have to for myself.  It's a struggle but all I can do is take one day at a time and keep my focus on God and believe that in due time it will work out accordingly.

Lord prepare me so that I may be ready.

I'm standing on Jer. 29:11.

Some People Say...

LOVE STINKS!!!

I say, you've been looking in the wrong place!!