Stop Pimpin' Your Heart

Okay, this is completely on a different note but I needed to add...

This dude is so freakin' fine!!!  Pictures like this is why I can't get over him.  He looks like a famous person.  Well he's famous to me, I would throw my...at him any day.  You better get his autograph quick because it's going to be worth money one day.  He is so sexy and any woman would be lucky to have his heart.  Yes, he has the outer package but his soul is just as beautiful.  I fell in love with his inner being and only God can help me to get over him and move on.  As much as I don't want to because he was the first person that ever made me feel beautiful and I believed him when he would tell me.  He exemplifies what unconditional love is and I experienced that because of him and it was amazing.

So for a while now, I've been feeling so lonely.  I don't have many friends, I live the life of a loner.  That's kind of been almost my whole life.  There are moments that I wish I had a lot of friends but when I'm given the option, I would rather just stay at home and chill.  I wish I was living in my other apartments so I could host people at my place.

Lately, I feel like I don't have anyone.  There is the saying of to have friends, you need to be a friend.  Maybe I'm not being a good enough friend.  I will admit, thinking about it now, I do half step but it's because I feel like the people I talk to are "needy".  I feel like all they want to talk about is them and their situation.  When I try to talk about what's going on in my life, they just listen enough so they can respond about how they can relate and go back to them.  It's frustrating but in the same matter I don't mind listening to other people and I tend to not talk about me much anyway.  But it just seems so one-way to me.

The people that I feel like genuinely listen, I don't talk to them everyday like I want to and then I feel like I'm just one-way to them.  It's so nice to have people who are willing to listen that I feel like that's all I do is talk about me.  I know I'm sounding hypocritical right now. The thing is, the people that I talk to that are needy have other people that care and they talk to just the same.  I don't.

Like my Baby Daddy up there..okay, my Mista..alright, I'll quit playing my Bestie, I talk his ear off all the time.  He allows me to talk and I'm sure I talk his ear off.  I wish I could talk to him everyday but I don't get that opportunity.

That could also be my problem too.  See I want that friendship that I talk to someone everyday but then again, I had that with certain people and it was kind of getting on my nerves.  So I don't know what I want and need.

I've come to the conclusion today that when I get to a point like I am right now, the feeling of having no one in my life to depend on.  It means I need to refocus on Jesus.

I feel like I've been pimpin' out my heart for love.  I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.  I really want Mista to love me but he can't.  Even though I love him, it will not be reciprocated the way I need for it to be in my life to be happy.  I do things things for other people and go places even when I sometimes don't want to but that's not filling.  I feel like I'm not loved which brings on inappropriate thoughts lately.  

It's time for me to start seeking God.  He is the only one that really wants my heart and loves me the way that I need to be loved right now.  He will give me the desires of my heart once I'm ready and right now, I'm not in a healthy place.

I need to learn to love me for me and to see me as being beautiful.  I can't allow someone to love me when I don't believe that I deserve to be loved.

Deep Convo

The Bestie and I had a great conversation today.  My spirit really needed our talk.  We have these heart to hearts every once in a while and I so wish we had them everyday or I would settle for once a week.

Jesus is moving on this earth and it seems like more than before we really need Him.  Our hearts are ready to accept his plan for our lives but we as people refuse to truly wholeheartedly follow him.  We have these stipulations and rules we have made up for Him. 

 

 

You ain't said nothing but a word.  I totally would if you would allow me.  Okay, maybe not but wishful thinking right!  You are such a cutie patootie that melts my heart.

 

These heart to hearts are what I long for in my spouse.  It makes me long for an accountability partner. Longing for that fire to be restored back in me.  Longing...

 

This talk helped me to release some things that needed to be released from my spirit, mind, and life.  God always uses him to help me through my wild and relentless thoughts. 

 

 

Why does he have to be so sexy?  Why can't he be mine? Just that he thought of me once while he was on vacay threw me over the top.  I cried, which doesn't say much because I've been crying super easily lately.

 

Thank you for our talk, thank you for tending to me while you work, thank you for sharing apart of you, and extending your listening ear.

 

Everytime I'm with you, I tend to have a song in my heart or words come from deep within and I need to write.

 

He always helps but a smile on my face when I don't want one.

 

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!! You know I love cake!

 

"Always"

 



Guard Your Heart

Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it."  --God's Word Translation

I've always seemed to guard my heart pretty well.  Matter's that didn't matter, I was good at dismissing them.  However, as I have gotten older that has changed.

 

I've wondered that maybe I'm still single because I haven't opened my heart enough.  I tend not to let people in. So I opened my heart to one in particular knowing he wasn't the "one".  Now I'm in this emotional whirl wind and it hurts.

 

I can't help to think that this irrational decision came because I've been stressed out.  This past year, I haven't been myself.   Received confirmation at a burnout training I went to last Wednesday that because of stress and being burnt out, I've lost my short term memory and making choices that I would normally not make.

 

I continue to put my heart out there for someone who is not mine.  I'm so confused because I've never been the one to have such problems.  Again, I know he's not the one but he has my heart.  I'm trying to be just friends and I do okay until... I don't know how to get my heart back from him.

I do things for him, one, because he's my friend but two, mainly because I like him.  He doesn't respond to my gestures the way I think he should and I know it's because I shouldn't be doing it for him in the manner that I am.  I know I shouldn't be doing it for him but I think that maybe it will change his mind about me when deep down inside I know it's not going to change.  Also, I feel like it's good practice for when Boaz comes IF he comes.

I put him and his needs/wants in front of mine because I care even though I've been hurt several times with my decision (I can only blame myself).  Everytime he talks or mentions "her", I tear up.  Good thing I sweat alot because you can't tell the difference between tears and sweat.  I tell him he breaks my heart but I think he thinks I'm playing but I'm being so forreal.  Again, I can't fault him because it's me that cares. 

In reality, I want his friendship.  Why?  He's super funny and always makes me laugh.  He's so easy to talk to.  He reminds me of a male version of me.  He's non-judgemental and supportive.  Just seeing him makes my day so much better.  He makes me smile.  I seriously could go on and on.



He has so many qualities that I want in my Boaz.  It's so hard because I'm starting to lose hope and I think that's why I opened my heart to him.

This is my prayer...



 

I want to be so lost in God again that these feelings I have for him are gone.  These feelings I have for a companion will be gone.  That I will be happy again single, I'll be pleased with my life, and contentment is reality.

 

Dear God, my heart is open to those things that are not of you.  Please protect my heart.  Help me to guard this source of life that you have given me.  Forgive me for not using the wisdom and strength you have given me to substain from these emotional rollercoasters and irrational decisions.  Stir up the strength inside of me to move past these feelings and my comfort zone and to make a change for the best for my life.  Lord, if I'm called to be single, please help me to accept it and if there is someone for me, show him to me in your timing but help me to be hopeful while I'll wait..  I thank you in advance. Amen.

I Can Make It

My day was just going until I saw him today.  I get so mad at myself but I get so excited to see him.  He puts a smile on my face and everyone in the room just vanishes.  Today as he peeped around the corner, he really caught my attention.  Love the slick hair look.  It really brought out his face.

He caught me by surprise when he asked about the poem.  I was seriously nervous and holding my tears back as I wanted to share but was not prepared. I finally read it not the way I rehearsed but it came out super fast and I'm sure he didn't comprehend any of it. On the last poem, it was helpful to hear that he thinks the same thing, we are drifting apart.  Mainly because of life.  He said, You will always be my buddy.  For the first time since I've known him, I didn't believe him.  I don't know why.  Even since I've known him, I've believed the words that come out of his mouth.  

As he walked out the door the way he did today,
It ended my Friday in such a way
That I can't deny,
It nearly made me cry.
I held back tears and
The words that I feared
I wanted to chase after him but he's not mine
I wanted to scream and whine
He walked out the door and said I'll see you Monday.
Wow, I was thinking not even Saturday or Sunday?

Excuse my words as I splurge on the feelings you just heard.
I felt like crap and really wanted to snap back
What was that going to prove? 
Nothing only that I disapproved.
Of his actions and his response
And how he walked out so nonchalance

The feelings I had for him, I dare not share
But he walked out on me like he never cared.
The old me wants to come out
Only to protect me from this doubt.

As much as this incident made all feelings semi-vanish for him
He's always the first person I think of to text, call or go to the gym.
I got a invitation in the mail,
I wanted to call and ask him to see if he would sail.

My feelings were hurt and I was mad
I usually dismiss people without feeling bad.
However, I'm struggling not to texted him or facebook,
So I've decided to write this mega book.

I let my guard down was it so wrong?
Now I can't get him out of this song.
I chose to take the chance to open my heart
And would do it again from the very start.

It's going to be a process, this I understand
Today with what happened, I believe now I can withstand.
I'm going to be okay by myself
This will give me time to clean my shelf! :)

Things happen for a reason, this we know
I now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Moving On

Moving on is hard to do,
Especially when you care about someone special like I do.
His life is progressing
And no I don't think it's depressing.
I'm battling on the inside,
from my head to my heart,
all the emotions I had from the very start.
If this is what it feels like to let your guard down,
for some odd reason, I think I'd rather drown.
I did this to myself, I can't blame anyone
but for some odd reason I hear Antoine Dodson saying, "You are really really dumb"!

My feelings for him are subsiding
And now all I want to do is go in hiding.
Other thoughts are going through my heard
But I've been trying to rebuke them because the enemy wants me dead.
It's not because of him or anything he did,
Sometimes I just go through these cumbersome times.
It's coming at a time that's hard indeed,
when I feel like I'm losing my friend, my partner, my buddy!

I've thought and I wondered but mostly pondered,
I hope it's not me that's pushing him away,
All because my feelings got in the way.

From my view, I feel like we are drifting apart,
I hope it's not time for our friendship to depart.
They say people in your life are seasons
And everything happens for a reason.

How do you move on?
How do you go back to being strong?
I'm trying to move forward without regret,
Does that mean that I need to forget.
How he made me feel, the trips that we took,
the plans we've talked about, Oh I could write a book.

I'm moving on, that's what I'm doing,
I hope things work out and doesn't go capooie!
I'm moving on and that feeling is so strong,
I'm letting him live his life and I'm not going to throw my thong.

Life is going good for him, he's motivated, happy and hopeful,
I will keep praying that he stays on a positive track
And hopefully he will feel that God has his back.

One last selfish prayer that I ask in your name
that you would please open some doors in my life.
I'm tired, I'm drained, I'm an emotinal wreck,
Some days, I just need someone to rub my neck.
Since there is no sign of Boaz in this near future,
I'm hoping change in my life will keep me fruitful.
I'm moving on...it feels without my buddy.

I Cry 4 U

Dear Blue God, I cry enough for me every night but tonight I lay my selfishness down and cry for someone I love.  The control freak I am wants to make it better but only you and them can weather this storm together.  I'm not perfect although I try to be but again I come to you down on my knees not for me but for a friend in need.

I Cry 4 U

Tonight my heart is sadden.

Is it because I let that lad in?

I opened my heart and began to care,

I know some may be asking, How do you dare?

Sometimes it’s not a choice but apart of the Master's plan,

But now I’m on this emotional roller coaster and I’m not laughin’.

Lord I pray that your arms come down to hold him,

And never let go until you console him.

I’m down on my knees standing in the gap,

That’s what you do when you have a friend you love like that.

I love you boo more than you know,

I hope you understand you don’t have to travel this road alone!

Time to Let Go

Disclaimer:  I am not perfect.  I fall daily, hourly, and by the second.  My thoughts are not always what they should be and my actions sometimes aren't the best.

**Warning: This is a vent session, sorry!**

It's time to say good-bye to our friendship.  I don't say this easily because I cherish friendships and it's so hard to find good friends. 

I will admit that I lost a GREAT friendship.  Although it was probably a mix of both of us but I will take the jist of it because of emotions.  So the above quote, I can testify along with many of us.  Have you lost a friendship that was God given and because of whatever the situation may be parted?  Have you prayed for restoration of that friendship?  I would love to hear success stories. 

This friend/co-worker is a little over 15yrs older but you would think that she is younger by the way she acts.  She is a very sweet person but she is letting her personal life situation control her emotions as well as she is almost 50 years old and is using the "age right of passage" excuse.  What's the "ARP" excuse you ask?  It's when you say, "When you get my age, you have the right to..."; "At my age, I just don't care what I say."; or "I've been through so much at my age...".

She already has that "all about me" personality and for the last 3 years, it's gotten worse.  I try to think about the good things and don't let how she is acting now affect how I feel but I see treating her that way she treats me.  Well I made a comment once and it wasn't nice but she just signed a lease for a new car and the color of the car was a hunter green.  I didn't like the color mainly because I had to get used to it.  She asked if I liked the color of her car and I said no.  Now I would usually be more settle about it but I just flat out said no and she thought that was mean that I said that.

I got her something for Christmas this past year and she only got me something because I got her something but that's besides the point.  The next day she said, thank you for the gift but I don't like re-gifting gifts but I'm trying to figure out who I could give your gift to.  I really don't like the smell of the lotion and body wash because of the sandlewood.  I was so shocked and hurt that I just agreed and went with the flow.  Then the following day, she gives me a gift and said I know you are going to like your gift because I like it.  I wanted to say so bad, I bet I will but I need a gift to give away to someone else and I'm going to do that but I didn't.

Her birthday was last week, on the same day as a going away party for another co-worker.  So they both got gifts.  Not a thank you for my gifts but as soon as the other co-worker came in to thank me for her gifts and cards, she came in and said thanks for the card, it was great.  We'll the card isn't as great as I normally pick out, which I told her that but she insisted it was.It just didn't feel sincere.

Today when I came in, a co-worker said oh, you got a new doo and attitude huh!  I said I did get a new doo but not a new attitude.  Well she leaves her office, comes to my door and looks at me and then leaves to go talk with the other worker.  Then 5 mins later, she comes back to my office and looks at me again and then walks away to her office.  Inside, I was thinking really?  I can't believe she is doing this.  Then about an hour and a half later she comes back to my office and says, your hair does what my hair does in this kind of weather.  You probably had good curls yesterday...and I interrupt and said no, I didn't have good curls yesterday.  I couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth.  JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, your ACTIONS said enough!!  As she walked aways, she just repeated what I said about not having any curls on Sunday.

I know there are ups and downs to friendship and I've told her about the ways she's been acting and how it's unfair to everyone in the office and how she is not the only one going through things.  We all do but we don't bring it to work.  She said she knows that she is acting different but proceeded to talk about all the work she has to do and everything else.  Side note:  She has a staff of 5.  I have a staff of 1 (me).  And sometimes they have a staff of 6 because I'm helping them out alot but I have to beg to get assistance from them.

I say it's time because I've given all I can.  I've given advice, after advice, after advice but there comes a point when you have to stand and walk it out on your own (a message that I need to adhere to myself).  I give her advice all the time but she goes to alot of people to get advice and they tell her the exact same thing I so and when she tells me, it's like it's the first time she heard it and I always tell her.  It sounds like something I mentioned to you.  She says she knows but...

When I leave, saying good-bye will not be hard.  I'm ready and have had enough.  Once I'm gone and God is ready to move in the friendship, I won't resist but right now.  It's good-bye until we meet again and I'll be praying for you.

I must make a vow that I will NOT become my surrounding and let the Love of the Lord shine through me even when my flesh wants to knock people out take over.  I think that maybe I'm reaping what I've sowed in friendship.  Whatever is going on, I must stand and be kind.

I continue to think about how I've acted in friendships lost BUT I've been forgiven and many times it's hard for me to forgive myself.  I must use mercy just like my heavenly father has done for me and also use the wisdom he has given me.

Thank you Lord for friendships.  Thank you for allowing us to connect with one another on this earth while we wait to be in your presence.  We can only be who we think we are and I thank you that I am your daughter.  Royality.  Help me Lord to walk in royality and the most you have for my life.  Lord, bring those friendships in my life that will uplift me and I them.  Help me to forgive just like you have forgiven me.  Forgive me Lord for the unkindness I exhibit.  Help me to be a better friend and sow the seeds of a good and Godly friend.  Strenghten and increase my friendship circle according to the plans for my life.  I pray for restoration of those friendships that need to be restored.  I pray that they be better than before and friends will walk in true forgiveness.  In Jesus name, Amen.