"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you!" -Dr. Seuss
All I can be is me. I can only supervisor the best that I think I can. It will take a lot of work to get my staff where I want them but I think we can do it with time.
I think it went good today. There will always be challenges and there were a few curve balls thrown at me today (the lead, the new guy, . Man, I keep thinking if I'm reaping seeds that I've sown.
"My staff huddles more than the Kansas City Chiefs!"
Man, if they quit pow-wowing over every little thing, we can do the darn thang! Just saying. Every time I look up, they are in groups, I know they are complaining about something that I'm having them do. Get over it, there's a new sheriff in town. No, I'm not prideful at all. Just playing. On the for real though, they oppose everything. Which is going to happen and everything that I knew is coming to surface.
I'm still hopeful...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad? How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me? How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?
How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?
Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.
As I left tonight, this is the first song that came to my heart. I kept singing the first two lines over and over for about 4 miles on the way home and then youtubed the video.
Answer: Because he's not mine
I know he kept me there so I could meet her but I didn't want to meet her. I've been dreading this day and it came. It was so awkward, watching them flirt with each other. It made my heart hurt and made my stomache sick. I wanted to leave SOOOO bad. I wanted him to introduce me real quick and then I could say nice to meet you but I'm heading out. Oh no, they were so indulged in each other and touchy feely for about 10 mins before she introduced herself. I wanted to say so bad to them excuse me my name is and I'm heading out the door but I was trying not to be rude.
I'm proud of myself because I wanted to just cry so hard but as this song was going through my head, I kept telling myself, it will be okay and then I was so upset that he still has my heart and wondering when I would not have feelings for him. Then something I heard on Vam Di tonight was that the love will go away once you fall in love again with someone else. Well, so freaking hopeless. I don't normally fall in love, like or attraction with anyone, I don't know how it happened with him.
Those who are attracted to me are old enough to be my daddy or my grandpa (singing, I'm not your daddy I'm your grandpa...yep, you sure are). Then I fall for someone who is old enough to be my son. Just HOPELESS!!
The bad thing about this is that I needed him in my life at the point he showed up. So many good things have come out of our relationship and I think good things continue to come out of our friendship. This is just a hurdle that I need to get over because clearly he is completely fine and loses no sleep or sheds a tear.
I hear people telling me that his time in my life has come to an end and to be fair to me as well as him, I need to walk away. I cannot heal if I continue to succumb myself to his life. I had gotten the same word and that is why I want to leave here because I think it would be easier to be out of his life if I didn't live here. I love him and how can I stop loving him if I continue to fall for him each time we talk. But yet, I need him (that's what I believe anyways).
I had an epiphany on the way home. I continue to run, thinking I'm running away from my problems when I'm really not going anywhere.
Truth is...my heart hurts when he talks about her on fb or in general, he comments on her posts, when she comments on his, when they tag each other, or just anything involving her makes me cry because it hurts. Jealousy is one of the deadly sins and I pray that God forgives me for taking on that trait. I hate feeling this way, I don't know her but it's just the fact that she has his heart and I wish it was me but then again I don't.
I continue to give him what I would give my spouse. However, he doesn't respond the way I expect because he is NOT the one and he will not understand the love behind my actions. No fault to him but he's not going to because I'm not suppose to do it for him. I'm only cheating me.
I just pray for the day that the heartaches will stop and I will look at him as a friend only.
Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart more
than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it." --God's Word Translation
I've always seemed to guard my heart pretty well. Matter's that didn't matter, I was good at dismissing them. However, as I have gotten older that has changed.
I've wondered that maybe I'm still single because I haven't opened my heart enough. I tend not to let people in. So I opened my heart to one in particular knowing he wasn't the "one". Now I'm in this emotional whirl wind and it hurts.
I can't help to think that this irrational decision came because I've been stressed out. This past year, I haven't been myself. Received confirmation at a burnout training I went to last Wednesday that because of stress and being burnt out, I've lost my short term memory and making choices that I would normally not make.
I continue to put my heart out there for someone who is not mine. I'm so confused because I've never been the one to have such problems. Again, I know he's not the one but he has my heart. I'm trying to be just friends and I do okay until... I don't know how to get my heart back from him.
I do things for him, one, because he's my friend but two, mainly because I like him. He doesn't respond to my gestures the way I think he should and I know it's because I shouldn't be doing it for him in the manner that I am. I know I shouldn't be doing it for him but I think that maybe it will change his mind about me when deep down inside I know it's not going to change. Also, I feel like it's good practice for when Boaz comes IF he comes.
I put him and his needs/wants in front of mine because I care even though I've been hurt several times with my decision (I can only blame myself). Everytime he talks or mentions "her", I tear up. Good thing I sweat alot because you can't tell the difference between tears and sweat. I tell him he breaks my heart but I think he thinks I'm playing but I'm being so forreal. Again, I can't fault him because it's me that cares.
In reality, I want his friendship. Why? He's super funny and always makes me laugh. He's so easy to talk to. He reminds me of a male version of me. He's non-judgemental and supportive. Just seeing him makes my day so much better. He makes me smile. I seriously could go on and on.
He has so many qualities that I want in my Boaz. It's so hard because I'm starting to lose hope and I think that's why I opened my heart to him.
This is my prayer...
I want to be so lost in God again that these feelings I have for him are gone. These feelings I have for a companion will be gone. That I will be happy again single, I'll be pleased with my life, and contentment is reality.
Dear God, my heart is open to those things that are not of you. Please protect my heart. Help me to guard this source of life that you have given me. Forgive me for not using the wisdom and strength you have given me to substain from these emotional rollercoasters and irrational decisions. Stir up the strength inside of me to move past these feelings and my comfort zone and to make a change for the best for my life. Lord, if I'm called to be single, please help me to accept it and if there is someone for me, show him to me in your timing but help me to be hopeful while I'll wait.. I thank you in advance. Amen.
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