Day 7: Thankful for Inner Strength

"...Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4 (KJV)

Sometimes, I don't give myself enough credit of how strong I really am.  I think it's because I'm so tired of being strong that when I'm in my "give up" mode.  I don't see myself as strong.  I've always had to be strong for someone else.  Then as a Social Worker, people seem to always depend on you.  They think your judgement is better than theirs.  Which sometimes they are right but only right in whose eyes?

It's crazy how strong my clients think I am.  They want to be like me and have my strength when in reality, I think I'm so weak.  As a Social Worker, you wear many different hats.  As an advocate for many of my clients, I will say I exhibit a confident that I don't do for myself and I try and get things done for them that they can't do for themselves.  And I typically do.  I think they see that confident as strength which that could be one of the many looks of strength.

I will shoot bullets to help my clients get the help or services they need.  Yep, watch out now!  It sometimes amazes me how confident I can be when helping my clients but it doesn't come out when it's time for me to advocate on my own behalf.  Why is that?  Why are we able to stand up for other people or do things for other people that we can't do for ourselves?  

I'm waiting for Boaz to come and take my struggles away.  I want him to be strong for me, make those calls that need to be done, take care of business that needs handling and the list can go on.  Is that fair that I want this from him.  I want him to lead and I just want to follow him.  But what if he's tired too?  What if he doesn't want to always be strong but wants a woman his Ruth to be strong for him?  Man, things that make you go hummm!

I have to realize that I'm stronger than I think.  I can advocate on my behalf, I need to speak up, not let things get me down that I have no control over.  I'm stronger, I have favor, I am loved, I am...

Some days it harder than others but that's going to come and go.  Believing in myself and doubting myself.  Through it all, there is social worker's inside me that is ready to fight on her own behalf.  I can fight for me, there is nothing wrong with that.  I have enough! I am woman hear me roar, Rooaarr!

Don't work yourself up, when God is working it out!  There is too much God in you, for you to always be down and out.  Kick the devil in the teeth and praise your way through.  One small positive thought this morning can change your whole day.  Start it right!  No matter the situation, never let your emotions overpower your intelligence!  @REALTALKKIM

Guard Your Heart

Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it."  --God's Word Translation

I've always seemed to guard my heart pretty well.  Matter's that didn't matter, I was good at dismissing them.  However, as I have gotten older that has changed.

 

I've wondered that maybe I'm still single because I haven't opened my heart enough.  I tend not to let people in. So I opened my heart to one in particular knowing he wasn't the "one".  Now I'm in this emotional whirl wind and it hurts.

 

I can't help to think that this irrational decision came because I've been stressed out.  This past year, I haven't been myself.   Received confirmation at a burnout training I went to last Wednesday that because of stress and being burnt out, I've lost my short term memory and making choices that I would normally not make.

 

I continue to put my heart out there for someone who is not mine.  I'm so confused because I've never been the one to have such problems.  Again, I know he's not the one but he has my heart.  I'm trying to be just friends and I do okay until... I don't know how to get my heart back from him.

I do things for him, one, because he's my friend but two, mainly because I like him.  He doesn't respond to my gestures the way I think he should and I know it's because I shouldn't be doing it for him in the manner that I am.  I know I shouldn't be doing it for him but I think that maybe it will change his mind about me when deep down inside I know it's not going to change.  Also, I feel like it's good practice for when Boaz comes IF he comes.

I put him and his needs/wants in front of mine because I care even though I've been hurt several times with my decision (I can only blame myself).  Everytime he talks or mentions "her", I tear up.  Good thing I sweat alot because you can't tell the difference between tears and sweat.  I tell him he breaks my heart but I think he thinks I'm playing but I'm being so forreal.  Again, I can't fault him because it's me that cares. 

In reality, I want his friendship.  Why?  He's super funny and always makes me laugh.  He's so easy to talk to.  He reminds me of a male version of me.  He's non-judgemental and supportive.  Just seeing him makes my day so much better.  He makes me smile.  I seriously could go on and on.



He has so many qualities that I want in my Boaz.  It's so hard because I'm starting to lose hope and I think that's why I opened my heart to him.

This is my prayer...



 

I want to be so lost in God again that these feelings I have for him are gone.  These feelings I have for a companion will be gone.  That I will be happy again single, I'll be pleased with my life, and contentment is reality.

 

Dear God, my heart is open to those things that are not of you.  Please protect my heart.  Help me to guard this source of life that you have given me.  Forgive me for not using the wisdom and strength you have given me to substain from these emotional rollercoasters and irrational decisions.  Stir up the strength inside of me to move past these feelings and my comfort zone and to make a change for the best for my life.  Lord, if I'm called to be single, please help me to accept it and if there is someone for me, show him to me in your timing but help me to be hopeful while I'll wait..  I thank you in advance. Amen.

Am I Ready?

I'm going to start out in a song.  I believe songs speak to our spirit and can describe what we are thinking or going through.

I wish so often that Boaz was here holding me. I long for the time that we can pray together, play together and praise together.

  I want to grow with you, I want to run to you when I'm cold and blue,

I want to look into your eyes and see the love for me that you cannot hide. 

I long for our talks, our walks and just to be near to hear your thoughts. 

I want to be able to run to you and feel safe and for you to know what's wrong by the look on my face. 

I need for you to understand, I need for you to be my man. 

I'm ready for you to guide me with God and prayer, to make this marriage work for now and later.

Side note:  That's all me right there. I just made that up.  I need to copyright that bad boy!

Man, my thoughts sound all nice that it makes you want to roll that dice BUT am I really ready.  My answer is no.

My answer is clear and it's hard to hear but it's true because I still have some loving to do.

How can I allow someone else to love me when I struggle to love myself? How can I believe that he thinks I'm beautiful when I don't.  How can I see what he sees in me when I can't see what my Father sees.

It's not that I don't hear people tell me that I'm "pretty", "beautiful", "a good catch", however in reality I believe that people can just be nice.  I've always prayed that I would be able to see me how God sees me.  Not just outwardly but inwardly.  We can be our biggest hinderance.  

I get a glimpse occasionally of my outwardly beauty.  Just enough to keep me off the ledge. These are a few pics that I've seen in me what others say they see.  Most of these photos have only been from the last 3-4 years.  I know, I've lived my whole life feeling "unpretty". 

It really is a struggle not feeling comfortable in your own skin.  Unfortunately (I think) it has prohibited me from ultimately walking in my potential destiny and really allowing my dreams to become realities.

As I walk this path of being an overcomer of low-self esteem, I speak words of affirmation into my life.  In order for me to believe what others say and see, I have to for myself.  It's a struggle but all I can do is take one day at a time and keep my focus on God and believe that in due time it will work out accordingly.

Lord prepare me so that I may be ready.

I'm standing on Jer. 29:11.

Focusing on Myaz

So I get on facebook today and a friend told me a friend of his posted something on her page and it's perfect for my situation.  This is the status...(Now it's burning pages all across fb, well of my friends anyways)

"For all you single ladies who are in such a hurry to get married, here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate, Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Hoeaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially his 3rd cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects Yoaz."

So within the past couple of weeks, I've been approached by a relative of Boaz.  I first thank God for the values he has installed in me and my foundation that's planted on his solid rock.  I'm not perfect by any means, okay I am, just kidding.  I fall in alot of areas of my life but when it comes to a particular cousin of Boaz, there is no question that they are off limits.  I do not want to reap any wrong seeds planted for when it's my time to marry.

I hear from many different people that if I would take more time to dazzle myself, maybe I wouldn't be single.  Well dazzling does not come easy for me.  My preferred choice of clothing would be jeans, hoodie, and flip flops with a ponytail.  This comes easy to me and I Love it!  I struggle to dress business casual for work, so I get excited for those "cleaning days" or activities with the kids so I can dress down.  My office should be spic and span for all the "cleaning day" but you can't tell.

I seem to attract the wrong ones looking a bum, so maybe there is something to dressing up.  Ha, ha, ha...even I had to laugh at that one.  Seriously though, these situations is just a reminder of the quote by Maya Angelou, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find hers."