Turning Point

A lot has happened since my last post.  I'm sad that I didn't post anything in between then and now.

Our relationship has taken a turn that I knew one day was going to happen but I guess I didn't expect for it to be like this. I wanted him to be in my life for a lifetime but I guess he is a seasonal friend.  I thought he was the one.  I wanted him to be the one.  I'm so confused on what needs to happen.  I can finally say that I'm no longer in love with him.  Yes, I love him and care for him still. Truthfully, there is still that hope, tiny as it may be that something will change and we could be together but...

So many questions but do I really need to know the answer.  I'm going to keep this post short because I don't want to regret writing something out of emotions. My love for him is and was real.  I've been heart broken for 3yrs, enough is enough.  You can't make someone love you who doesn't.  I never was his type but I hung on to how he made me feel the first few months of our friendship.  It felt real, it seemed reciprocated but I guess it was all a trick of the enemy.

These past 2 weeks have been painful, confusing, detrimental, and eye opening.  I'm so grateful to one of my long time friends and sister from another mister who has seen me through these past couple of weeks.  I wanted to die and if I was strong enough I would have actually done it. As I'm crying my eyes out, because I want to write what I'm thinking.  I shouldn't care but I guess that's why I lost.

Today I felt probably the most at peace of the thought of saying good-bye.  I feel so stupid and weak not being able to just cut ties and walk away.  A best friend should never be treated like this, I shouldn't be treated like this but yet I continue to put myself in a situation that I keep getting hurt.

He is all I have in this city that I strongly dislike.  I'm learning to go back and do things by myself.  It's not as fun but it's okay. I can survive.  I need to focus my relationship more on God and loving me for me.  I realizing more and more that if I don't love me for me, no one else will.  This is a hard lesson for me to learn but one day I will walk in true love for myself that is healthy.

Please pray for him, please pray for me, please pray that God's will be done and everything will work out how it should.

A Kiss on the Forehead

More to come

I Finally Made it to Phoenix

So this weekend, I went to Phoenix, Az and Hollywood/Los Angeles California.

I've always wanted to go to Arizona.  Especially the Grand Canyon.  I didn't get to the Canyon this time but I will one day.

People always talk about Arizona's sunsets, deserts, hot weather, mountains and so much more.  I just couldn't wait to experience "the life".  I just knew it was going to be beautiful and I wasn't disappointed.

I went out with some acquaintances before my trip and I shared where I was going and they ask why I wanted to go to Phoenix?  Um, really?  They told me that there is nothing there and it's just dusty and only people with money have grass because they can afford to get grass laid. They tell me not to drink the water.

Man, some people know how to put a damper on your day.  Kind of funny, I heard them but I wasn't listening and it didn't rain on my parade.

I had been nervous the whole time about the trip and really hadn't gotten excited until the night before my flight and I stayed over my Bestie's house.  Okay, the highlight for me was that I got to stay over my Bestie's house in his bed with him. Man, I wish he had feelings for me, sure sucks but anyways. He got a haircut for the trip and it was super sexy. I really liked it.  At that moment, looking at his new haircut, I was reminded why I loved short, clean cut, do's on dudes.  Being in KC, you forgot who you are and get accustom to city living.  Well, I feel like I did.  But his haircut made me want to throw my...at him.

I got over to his house around 11:30p and we went to bed around Midnight to get up at 3a to catch our flight. I would have made it to his house sooner but I had shaved my legs and I couldn't get them to stop bleeding. That's a whole different story.

On top of bleeding everywhere, I had started to not feel very well. I thought it was just allergies and nerves.  Then my neck issue started to flare up again.  Why me Lawd, Why!!!! I will say that when I was laying next to him, I felt okay. It's crazy how he still makes everything feel better when I'm not in the best of moods or feeling well. Ugh!

I was super excited and wide awake and so ready for this trip with my Bestie.  It was my first time!!! Woot, woot!

Friday started off great when he went and paid for my gas and surprised me with a Valentine's black rose (this will be a different blog). Oh I wanted to kiss him because I was so full of gratitude.  Man, if he was mine, let's just say a wake up call would have happened.

Now to the airport.  We were at the airport so early that the gates weren't open yet.  How wild is that. This was the first time I've gotten to fly with him. Omgosh! I was so pumped and he was so tired. I'm sure I was getting on his nerves because I just wanted to keep taking pictures and he finally was like okay kind of like let's get these pics over with so you can let me sleep.

This is us on the bus that takes us from the parking lot to the terminal. Good morning er'body!

    

This was the pic that he was like, let's do this because I was bugging the mess out of him. Ugh, I have such a fat face.  I hate it.

This is what he wanted to do is sleep.  This is where my heart was happy, next to him. Even more content, sleeping next to him. My SHB and MTB!!! Always my C.D.

The sky was so beautiful in the morning.  Taking pics with your phone, you sometimes don't get the best quality.  So sorry in advance.

    

I wish I had a quality camera.  As soon as I stepped off the airplane, it was so beautiful.  Mountains, palm trees, cactus' and more. It was so surreal.

                     

This is Camel back mountain                                 Pretty mountains everywhere

At Garee's them apartment

It was great weather to go for a walk or just to be outside.  So I went for a stroll and took some pics of cactus' and my feet in the beautiful green soft grass.

  

I got to see where my Bestie went to school, his stomping ground, old job, where he lived...I'm in Phoenix. I can't believe it.

We went visiting and driving around the city.  It was just so cool.  The weather was soooo nice, I could have stayed forever but I'm not a heat person.

We ended our night babysitting his niece and nephew over his mom's house.  That's a different story within itself.

 Yep, that's him.  Too sleepy.  I feel him too.  He hasn't been sleeping well and then the night before we got maybe 3hrs of sleep.  Then being non-stop all that day since we arrived.

He melted my heart.  He went and read to them and when he was done, he asked if I wanted something to drink. I had actually fell asleep on the couch and my throat was ache pretty bad and with my neck hurting, it gives me headaches so sleeping helps me not to feel anything.  We go into the kitchen to get some tea and talk.  I felt like we were parents and now it's our adult time.

He suggested that I warm up the tea and I did that and it made my throat feel so good.  After we finished with the tea, we started looking at pictures.  It's so crazy how he really hasn't changed much.  There are differences but over all, yep that's my C.D.

We didn't get back to his friend's house until about 11:30p or so.

Everyone was in bed and I stayed on the couch and wrote and cried.  I wasn't feeling good and I started to get in my feelings.  Then their other friend didn't start communicating that she was coming over until approx. 1:30a.  Everyone was asleep but I got the notification. She got there around 2:30a and was lost.  I was so so so tired, not feeling well, and sleepy which made me so cranky.

This is what I wrote on 2/15/14 at 1:13a:

I feel like living is overrated, especially when it seems like you're contaminated with an infectious disease, please don't sneeze. The love I have to give I thought was endless but now I'm scared that the well is going dry, that's why I cry. No more pain that's not reality when you're living with a heart that's been broken from morality.  I fucking love him excuse my french but the anger is running from my lips.  It seems like everyday the pain gets worst, I don't know what's worse, living in hell for eternity or loving with all your heart just to get it torn apart.

 So much goes on in my head when I'm on one.  Well, we all started getting ready around 3a and we were on the road by 4:30a to HOLLYWOOD, CALI!!!!!!

Do You Know What Day It Is?

A snow day!!!

This is my third day of a snow day and I have one tomorrow.  Means I work from home.  It's soo nice being able to work from home.  I wish I would have brought my calendar home and some other things that I could have worked on.

I'm so Thankful for this time.  This has been such a blessing.  

The down side of everything is, I have gained 10 lbs.  All I've been doing is eating.  I shouldn't of went to the store.  A week before my Arizona trip, sucks to be me.  It's all good.  

I went outside to check out the view from the snow storm.  Roughly 12-13 inches of snow.  Silly me I did not park on the street.  I was banking on having a snow day for the rest of the week but I got a little scared because the news said and looked like they were getting cleared pretty quickly.

I don't just have time or in the position to call in with my new job and all.  Even if school is cancelled, I have a meeting on Friday and I will probably have to be there.  The job still goes on even if school is cancelled.

I got up this morning around 10:30a and started the fun task of getting me to the street.  This was after an hour of shoveling.  So note to self next time, make sure you check the rock salt.  It was completely hard and I had to beat it again the house.  I was tired but I felt like I was making progress even though it didn't look like it.

This is my 'tude face!!! Yes, shoveling snow is a good stress reliever.  I realized that I need some more peppy songs on my Ipod.  I had it on shuffle but it kept playing the sappy love songs that made me think of him and I wanted to cry but I just took it out on the snow.  Even though I had my headphones on, I did a lot of thinking.

I came back out around 2p and I sure didn't want to.  I wanted a nap but all I was thinking was I might have to go in so I have to get my car out.  Also, this 10 lbs that I gained.  I needed to burn calories.  And low and behold, 2hrs later. I made it to the top.  I pretty much did it all by myself.

Now, I will admit, I was thinking while shoveling, Where is Boaz?! Yes, it would be nice for him to do this but I was thinking this would have been a good activity for us to do together.  I would help him as I know the struggle and then I would make us some hot chocolate and take care of him.

My neighbor Shannon came out and helped me do the top portion and crack ice.  I tried getting up the hill but was not getting any traction.  So we broke a lot of the ice and "I started at the bottom and now I'm here".  One of my neighbors, we called him Nice Mike came and helped shovel the top part too and a spot on the road.  

Shoveling snow is a good neighbor bonding time.

Yesterday during the snow, guess what I made? 

Snow Ice Cream

4 cups of Fresh Snow (not the yellow stuff)

1 cup of Milk (I used chocolate milk)

1/4 cup of Sugar

1 tsp of Vanilla

Stir and tada!!  I did put in the freezer to harden up just a little.  But not bad at all.

I wished my Bestie was here so we could have done it together.  I think he would have liked it.  It would have been a good memory getter too.  Oh well.

I wish he was here so we could cuddle.  Even though he won't cuddle with me but I still just hope.

I am now medicated and under blankets.  Excited about being home again tomorrow.

Stop Pimpin' Your Heart

Okay, this is completely on a different note but I needed to add...

This dude is so freakin' fine!!!  Pictures like this is why I can't get over him.  He looks like a famous person.  Well he's famous to me, I would throw my...at him any day.  You better get his autograph quick because it's going to be worth money one day.  He is so sexy and any woman would be lucky to have his heart.  Yes, he has the outer package but his soul is just as beautiful.  I fell in love with his inner being and only God can help me to get over him and move on.  As much as I don't want to because he was the first person that ever made me feel beautiful and I believed him when he would tell me.  He exemplifies what unconditional love is and I experienced that because of him and it was amazing.

So for a while now, I've been feeling so lonely.  I don't have many friends, I live the life of a loner.  That's kind of been almost my whole life.  There are moments that I wish I had a lot of friends but when I'm given the option, I would rather just stay at home and chill.  I wish I was living in my other apartments so I could host people at my place.

Lately, I feel like I don't have anyone.  There is the saying of to have friends, you need to be a friend.  Maybe I'm not being a good enough friend.  I will admit, thinking about it now, I do half step but it's because I feel like the people I talk to are "needy".  I feel like all they want to talk about is them and their situation.  When I try to talk about what's going on in my life, they just listen enough so they can respond about how they can relate and go back to them.  It's frustrating but in the same matter I don't mind listening to other people and I tend to not talk about me much anyway.  But it just seems so one-way to me.

The people that I feel like genuinely listen, I don't talk to them everyday like I want to and then I feel like I'm just one-way to them.  It's so nice to have people who are willing to listen that I feel like that's all I do is talk about me.  I know I'm sounding hypocritical right now. The thing is, the people that I talk to that are needy have other people that care and they talk to just the same.  I don't.

Like my Baby Daddy up there..okay, my Mista..alright, I'll quit playing my Bestie, I talk his ear off all the time.  He allows me to talk and I'm sure I talk his ear off.  I wish I could talk to him everyday but I don't get that opportunity.

That could also be my problem too.  See I want that friendship that I talk to someone everyday but then again, I had that with certain people and it was kind of getting on my nerves.  So I don't know what I want and need.

I've come to the conclusion today that when I get to a point like I am right now, the feeling of having no one in my life to depend on.  It means I need to refocus on Jesus.

I feel like I've been pimpin' out my heart for love.  I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.  I really want Mista to love me but he can't.  Even though I love him, it will not be reciprocated the way I need for it to be in my life to be happy.  I do things things for other people and go places even when I sometimes don't want to but that's not filling.  I feel like I'm not loved which brings on inappropriate thoughts lately.  

It's time for me to start seeking God.  He is the only one that really wants my heart and loves me the way that I need to be loved right now.  He will give me the desires of my heart once I'm ready and right now, I'm not in a healthy place.

I need to learn to love me for me and to see me as being beautiful.  I can't allow someone to love me when I don't believe that I deserve to be loved.

Snowy Mountain

I really enjoy doing things for the first time.  There is still so many things that I want to do that I haven't.  I wish I had the time and money to do everything this world has to offer.

The Bestie and I went to Snow Creek yesterday.  It was our first time.  I enjoy spending my time with him.  I wish I could spend all my time with him.  I'm so selfish with him.  I hate that I'm that way.

I pray that God will send someone my way that will want to spend time with me and me with him as well.  I just want someone of my own.  I'm sure that's an unrealistic pray but I just want someone who loves me and wants to spend time with me.  As I write this, I can't help but have tears running down my face but smile at the same time as I think of Jesus.  He loves me and wants to spend time with me.  Ouch!!!  I just wish he was here so we could cuddle and he can physically hold me.

Yesterday...

So just a little upset that I wasn't good enough so I took something for ransom!  Well I left it in his cabinet.  I should of took a picture of it because it looked kind of funny in there when you open it.

We stopped and got breakfast at a grocery store and he bought a donut and chocolate milk.  I don't know why I struggle with people buying me stuff.  I bless people all the time but for some reason, it's hard for me to receive a blessing too.  It's the enemy.  I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.  I know it's lies from the pit of hell but it's still hard.

So that chocolate milk was the best ever.  I don't know what it was but it really hit the spot.  He thought I was being sarcastic but OMGosh, I wasn't.  It was some good chocolate milk.  I know I'm weird.  

We were off...

We stopped by one of the frozen fountain's up North.  It was super pretty and cool.  It seriously seemed like we were in Alaska or the Artic.  It was so pretty to see.  A few weeks ago, the fountain was red and the fountain looked like a blood bath.  Creepy and cool at the same time.

The drive was about 45 mins.  I wished we could hold hands.  I like that stuff.  There are so many things I want to do with him and/or expect and it's not his responsibility.  I'm on the road to healing and it hasn't been easy but I'm understanding why I can't expect such things from him even though I want it only from him.

We get to Snow Creek...

        

       

I didn't get a whole lot of pictures.  This is actually it.  I was concentrating on walking and breathing.  It was a lot of fun.  I really hope he had fun too.  I just want him happy again.  He made a comment that just broke my heart.  He said, I don't feel like such a loser.  It's making me cry just writing that.  He means the world to me and for him to feel like that hurts.  Right now, he is my everything and I can't make him happy, I can't fill that void, and it hurts. I want to hold him and tell him that everything will be okay and that he has to believe. All I do is cry and pray for him...that's all I know what to do because it's out of my hands and I can't fix it.

I'm so thankful for him.  My big fat butt is so out of shape and I had to stop like every five minutes just to breath.  My other health issues played a part too.  He was so patient.  I kept holding him back because he could have went more times.  I felt bad.

I really liked going down the slopes with him.  Seeing the smile on his face, the excitement in his eyes and hearing his laughter was so worth it.  He lights up my heart.

So on the way out, we stop and get a picture of the sign.

This is me before the fall.  So I was trying to be all hood and kneel down and fell forward.  Then my knee was in a awkward position and kind of hurt and I just started acting and hit the grass and started rolling.  My knee seriously hurt.  Of course he get's the "good" photos with his phone.  

I felt even more dumb because he was concerned.  I could tell in his voice and then back at the car, he politely opened my door.  And he thinks he's a loser...OMGosh, I just want to scream!!!  He is just a great guy with an amazing heart.  

I wish I was prettier, I wish I was thinner, I was I was younger, I wish I was his type, I wish..I wish..I wish..

Then the night was ruined...

I won't go into details as I don't want to say anything I will regret and out of emotions.  I will say, I will do anything for my Bestie even if it hurts.  He is my heart.

We all are going through things and I don't ever want to discredit anyone's situation.  I don't live in care-a-lot as some people think and run around with flowers in my hair and singing about rainbows and sunshine.  My thoughts are very gloomy, sad, sometimes satanic and unhappy.  This is what I hide from people and I try to push through those thoughts and feelings.

We as people do things for attention, especially if we are trying to get the attention of the person we like, that hurt us, that's ignoring us and so forth.  We know how to pull out people's hearts and feelings.  We can be very selfish people.

When we are living in a unhealthy state, we respond and react unhealthy.  This battle that we are fighting is bigger than us and we CAN'T do it by ourselves.  I will be the first to admit that I need help, some days more than others.  I thank God that he's been my miracle worker and the people he has put in my life.

But playing games with people feelings is not the way.  You may get the results or attention you want but you are hurting someone you love and more importantly that love you.

I had to come home last night and read 1 Cor 13.  The chapter about Love.  I struggle in this area of my life as we all do but it's a good reminder to revisit, especially if you are in a relationship, want to be in a relationship, trying to be in a relationship or just confused.  Relationship or no relationship, we need to really grasp the concept of Love.

Confession: For me it's learning to love myself as God loves me.

For Me

Today was a challenging day.  I just don't know if the life of a supervisor is the life for me.  I thought it was but maybe I'm completely wrong.  It's crazy how "adults" don't do what they are asked to do.  I feel like I'm sow the seeds that I planted but I don't know.

I would rather be a stay at home mother, keeping up the home, taking care of the children, volunteering, and the wifey to a great husband.  Well that was my dream but I'm too old to be dreaming non-sense now.

I'm just so drained today.  I'm tired of being strong for everyone, helping everyone, trying to figure out things for others and so on.  I just want someone to be strong for me.  Someone to take away my pain.  Someone who wants to cuddle and let me put my cold feet under them, haha!

Unfortunately, this is the life of a supervisor.  You have to make decisions, be strong, mediate, mentor, facilitate, just to name a few.  I don't want to look at this job as a burden because it was a blessing, right?

What God has for me, it is for me.

I'm glad it's the weekend.  Off to go rest.