Stop Pimpin' Your Heart

Okay, this is completely on a different note but I needed to add...

This dude is so freakin' fine!!!  Pictures like this is why I can't get over him.  He looks like a famous person.  Well he's famous to me, I would throw my...at him any day.  You better get his autograph quick because it's going to be worth money one day.  He is so sexy and any woman would be lucky to have his heart.  Yes, he has the outer package but his soul is just as beautiful.  I fell in love with his inner being and only God can help me to get over him and move on.  As much as I don't want to because he was the first person that ever made me feel beautiful and I believed him when he would tell me.  He exemplifies what unconditional love is and I experienced that because of him and it was amazing.

So for a while now, I've been feeling so lonely.  I don't have many friends, I live the life of a loner.  That's kind of been almost my whole life.  There are moments that I wish I had a lot of friends but when I'm given the option, I would rather just stay at home and chill.  I wish I was living in my other apartments so I could host people at my place.

Lately, I feel like I don't have anyone.  There is the saying of to have friends, you need to be a friend.  Maybe I'm not being a good enough friend.  I will admit, thinking about it now, I do half step but it's because I feel like the people I talk to are "needy".  I feel like all they want to talk about is them and their situation.  When I try to talk about what's going on in my life, they just listen enough so they can respond about how they can relate and go back to them.  It's frustrating but in the same matter I don't mind listening to other people and I tend to not talk about me much anyway.  But it just seems so one-way to me.

The people that I feel like genuinely listen, I don't talk to them everyday like I want to and then I feel like I'm just one-way to them.  It's so nice to have people who are willing to listen that I feel like that's all I do is talk about me.  I know I'm sounding hypocritical right now. The thing is, the people that I talk to that are needy have other people that care and they talk to just the same.  I don't.

Like my Baby Daddy up there..okay, my Mista..alright, I'll quit playing my Bestie, I talk his ear off all the time.  He allows me to talk and I'm sure I talk his ear off.  I wish I could talk to him everyday but I don't get that opportunity.

That could also be my problem too.  See I want that friendship that I talk to someone everyday but then again, I had that with certain people and it was kind of getting on my nerves.  So I don't know what I want and need.

I've come to the conclusion today that when I get to a point like I am right now, the feeling of having no one in my life to depend on.  It means I need to refocus on Jesus.

I feel like I've been pimpin' out my heart for love.  I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.  I really want Mista to love me but he can't.  Even though I love him, it will not be reciprocated the way I need for it to be in my life to be happy.  I do things things for other people and go places even when I sometimes don't want to but that's not filling.  I feel like I'm not loved which brings on inappropriate thoughts lately.  

It's time for me to start seeking God.  He is the only one that really wants my heart and loves me the way that I need to be loved right now.  He will give me the desires of my heart once I'm ready and right now, I'm not in a healthy place.

I need to learn to love me for me and to see me as being beautiful.  I can't allow someone to love me when I don't believe that I deserve to be loved.

Temptation

Temptation is nothing to be reckoned with.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Cor 10:13

So I haven't been on his page in over a month at least.  Today I broke that today. I'm in tears right now because I'm upset that I got on his page.  I was doing so well for so long.  I miss keeping up with him.  Now that I don't see him everyday, I feel like I don't know what's going on with him.  Is this what's suppose to happen?  I keep reaching out to him because I want him in my life.  I want to know about how he's doing. Especially during this time right now, I just don't want him to feel like he's alone even though I was just where he was and coming out of it as of 3 days ago.

I feel like I just relapsed today.  I had a anxiety attack and everything.  I just want him in my life.  He would say that he is but not how I want him to be.  The messed up thing about this is, I did okay with being on his page until I went further back and then I couldn't take it.  It's my fault though.  I should have just stayed within this month NO...I shouldn't have gotten on his page.

Man, all my feelings have surfaced.  I know how he is feeling that's what sucks.  Only God can heal him and I know there is nothing I can really do but I just want to love him back to health but it's not my responsibility.

 
Lord I need you.

I thought he was the one but his heart did not belong to me but someone else.  My prayer is that in our hearts, Lord you will be that special thing.  Lord hide my heart so deep in you that I will not be blinded by love but only see the love that you have for me.  Lord, I need you, please hear my tears as my words are everywhere.

Writing in the New Year

This song will always remind me of you!

These last few weeks have been very emotional.  I do not want to think about this past year of 2013 and I don't want to think about 2014.

I have been playing it really surface today. But I guess I'll go a little deeper.

I'm know people are sick of seeing me post, talk and write about this situation but I can't help it or maybe I can and I just don't want to let go.

"Have you ever been in love, been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand;

Have you ever had someone still your heart away

You'd do anything to make them feel the same; 

Have you ever loved somebody so much it make you cry..."--Brandy

I'll share the video I made for him for Christmas (It wouldn't post must not been meant for me to share).  It made me cry so much while putting it together but it was all done out of love.  I just don't want him to forget about me.  I guess because it already feels like he has.  Even though he has mentioned that he misses me, I have to realize it's going to be different than how I miss him.

I've been thinking how crazy and this is only my perspective but how we connected on so many levels and so fast.  It feels like I've known him my whole life and that we were meant to be. I know it's the past but my family thought we were cute together and they liked him.  His family was wondering, they might have never said anything to him or me but I know.  Even in Chicago, his friends thought there was something between us.

"You can't force chemistry to exist where it doesn't, 

in the same way you can't deny it when it does."

I feel the chemistry. My question is, is it in my head?  To feel chemistry does it take two people?  Have I made up this whole concoction in my head that I think I'm feeling something when there isn't?  So many questions but it's neither here nor there.  He's in a relationship with the person he thinks is "the one".  So what I think, feel, see or anything is irrelevant now.

*Warning, video has profanity in it* I was feeling this video when I heard it.  I also liked the one by 50 cent too.  I chose this one.

I miss him like someone misses their mate, spouse, or significant other.  Have I been blinded by love, lust, or infatuation?

Love isn't a feeling, it's shaving your balls." -American Wedding (I'm watching right now, lol)

I've been thinking a lot this past week after talking with him last week.  When I seen him, my feelings were still there and his hug, oh his hug!!!  It makes me weak.  But that's besides the point, I totally understand some of the things she's going through.  I commend her for talking about it.  I just learned to love and cried through it.  Then there are some things that make me want to slap the mess out of her.  Don't judge me. It's still hard to hear how he feels about her because it's exactly how I feel about him.  The exact same words that I have written down and feelings.  I'm happy for him and I just want him to be happy.

Memories:

I surprised him for his birthday

Skyzone, I almost died and he got it on video, resting between his legs not to lose my life

He was with me on my birthday in Atlanta (Best memory and road trip of the year)

Chicago trip that he took charge of, meeting his other best friend
Our talk in the vacant unit (miss those and love our talks)
House sitting while he was gone (miss his bed, teddy, and blankets but mostly with him in it; sung him a video song from Ps. was so scared)
He and his cousin made dinner and he brought me a plate (made me feel some kind of way)
He bought me a Snicker ice cream bar by surprise(I've always wanted to try) (it's the little things)

Meeting his dad and other family members

September, the day my heart was ripped out (Thankful for a friend who called and prayed me through, I was ready to leave this world that night)

Our first reunion on my last day of work (heartfelt)

Lunch at KC smoke burgers (man good conversations)

Being able to watch the video I made for him for Christmas (Priceless)

For the New Year, I have to and I think I'm ready to let go of these feelings and heal.  I'm ready to let go of these feelings.  I want to be able to just be his friend.  I'm ready to accept that God knows best.  Even if I'm not ready, I have to be ready...it's time.

"What hurts the most, is letting go

just to let you know, that I love you." --Monica

I'm so scared. I'm scared that I will never love someone unconditionally like this before.  I scared that I will never have a relationship that meant so much. I'm scared that I will never feel loved like this again. I'm scared that I will never open up again.  I'm so scared of so many things.  Yes, I have fear issues, I'm working on it.

"All my life, I prayed for someone like you" -Jodeci

I still get butterflies when I'm around him.  My heart pounds at the thought of looking at his social media page.  My heart started pounding a little harder just writing that.  I want to know what's going on in his life since we don't talk anymore but my heart can't handle seeing pics of them, reading comments about them or anything pertaining to "them".  I think it's so childish and people don't understand, shoot, I don't understand.  I can usually turn "it" off just like that and not care or fake it until I don't. It usually works.

"See it don't take a rocket scientist to know I love you

And it don't take a rocket scientist to know I need you

Never dreamed I'd be so happy and sure of myself" --702

Through all these feelings, I have a confession that I could only confess to him.

I don't know what the Lord has in store for our relationship.  I know that I pray for him more than I pray for myself.  His grandma has been in my spirit a lot lately and I seem to pray for her and his whole family.  I think about his best friend and sister.  I pray God's will.  Of course I want him to stay in my life but I have to be in a better emotional state so I can be the friend he needs.

I will always be grateful for the times we shared, the memories, good times, fun times and every moment with him.  Forever in my heart and prayers.  I'll love you more and always, your #999,999,999 + infinite!!!