This dude is so freakin' fine!!! Pictures like this is why I can't get over him. He looks like a famous person. Well he's famous to me, I would throw my...at him any day. You better get his autograph quick because it's going to be worth money one day. He is so sexy and any woman would be lucky to have his heart. Yes, he has the outer package but his soul is just as beautiful. I fell in love with his inner being and only God can help me to get over him and move on. As much as I don't want to because he was the first person that ever made me feel beautiful and I believed him when he would tell me. He exemplifies what unconditional love is and I experienced that because of him and it was amazing.
So for a while now, I've been feeling so lonely. I don't have many friends, I live the life of a loner. That's kind of been almost my whole life. There are moments that I wish I had a lot of friends but when I'm given the option, I would rather just stay at home and chill. I wish I was living in my other apartments so I could host people at my place.
Lately, I feel like I don't have anyone. There is the saying of to have friends, you need to be a friend. Maybe I'm not being a good enough friend. I will admit, thinking about it now, I do half step but it's because I feel like the people I talk to are "needy". I feel like all they want to talk about is them and their situation. When I try to talk about what's going on in my life, they just listen enough so they can respond about how they can relate and go back to them. It's frustrating but in the same matter I don't mind listening to other people and I tend to not talk about me much anyway. But it just seems so one-way to me.
The people that I feel like genuinely listen, I don't talk to them everyday like I want to and then I feel like I'm just one-way to them. It's so nice to have people who are willing to listen that I feel like that's all I do is talk about me. I know I'm sounding hypocritical right now. The thing is, the people that I talk to that are needy have other people that care and they talk to just the same. I don't.
Like my Baby Daddy up there..okay, my Mista..alright, I'll quit playing my Bestie, I talk his ear off all the time. He allows me to talk and I'm sure I talk his ear off. I wish I could talk to him everyday but I don't get that opportunity.
That could also be my problem too. See I want that friendship that I talk to someone everyday but then again, I had that with certain people and it was kind of getting on my nerves. So I don't know what I want and need.
I've come to the conclusion today that when I get to a point like I am right now, the feeling of having no one in my life to depend on. It means I need to refocus on Jesus.
I feel like I've been pimpin' out my heart for love. I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. I really want Mista to love me but he can't. Even though I love him, it will not be reciprocated the way I need for it to be in my life to be happy. I do things things for other people and go places even when I sometimes don't want to but that's not filling. I feel like I'm not loved which brings on inappropriate thoughts lately.
It's time for me to start seeking God. He is the only one that really wants my heart and loves me the way that I need to be loved right now. He will give me the desires of my heart once I'm ready and right now, I'm not in a healthy place.
I need to learn to love me for me and to see me as being beautiful. I can't allow someone to love me when I don't believe that I deserve to be loved.
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