Stop Pimpin' Your Heart

Okay, this is completely on a different note but I needed to add...

This dude is so freakin' fine!!!  Pictures like this is why I can't get over him.  He looks like a famous person.  Well he's famous to me, I would throw my...at him any day.  You better get his autograph quick because it's going to be worth money one day.  He is so sexy and any woman would be lucky to have his heart.  Yes, he has the outer package but his soul is just as beautiful.  I fell in love with his inner being and only God can help me to get over him and move on.  As much as I don't want to because he was the first person that ever made me feel beautiful and I believed him when he would tell me.  He exemplifies what unconditional love is and I experienced that because of him and it was amazing.

So for a while now, I've been feeling so lonely.  I don't have many friends, I live the life of a loner.  That's kind of been almost my whole life.  There are moments that I wish I had a lot of friends but when I'm given the option, I would rather just stay at home and chill.  I wish I was living in my other apartments so I could host people at my place.

Lately, I feel like I don't have anyone.  There is the saying of to have friends, you need to be a friend.  Maybe I'm not being a good enough friend.  I will admit, thinking about it now, I do half step but it's because I feel like the people I talk to are "needy".  I feel like all they want to talk about is them and their situation.  When I try to talk about what's going on in my life, they just listen enough so they can respond about how they can relate and go back to them.  It's frustrating but in the same matter I don't mind listening to other people and I tend to not talk about me much anyway.  But it just seems so one-way to me.

The people that I feel like genuinely listen, I don't talk to them everyday like I want to and then I feel like I'm just one-way to them.  It's so nice to have people who are willing to listen that I feel like that's all I do is talk about me.  I know I'm sounding hypocritical right now. The thing is, the people that I talk to that are needy have other people that care and they talk to just the same.  I don't.

Like my Baby Daddy up there..okay, my Mista..alright, I'll quit playing my Bestie, I talk his ear off all the time.  He allows me to talk and I'm sure I talk his ear off.  I wish I could talk to him everyday but I don't get that opportunity.

That could also be my problem too.  See I want that friendship that I talk to someone everyday but then again, I had that with certain people and it was kind of getting on my nerves.  So I don't know what I want and need.

I've come to the conclusion today that when I get to a point like I am right now, the feeling of having no one in my life to depend on.  It means I need to refocus on Jesus.

I feel like I've been pimpin' out my heart for love.  I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.  I really want Mista to love me but he can't.  Even though I love him, it will not be reciprocated the way I need for it to be in my life to be happy.  I do things things for other people and go places even when I sometimes don't want to but that's not filling.  I feel like I'm not loved which brings on inappropriate thoughts lately.  

It's time for me to start seeking God.  He is the only one that really wants my heart and loves me the way that I need to be loved right now.  He will give me the desires of my heart once I'm ready and right now, I'm not in a healthy place.

I need to learn to love me for me and to see me as being beautiful.  I can't allow someone to love me when I don't believe that I deserve to be loved.

Day Three: Thankful for Jesus

I woke up this morning so excited to get to church to tell my testimony.  I laid in bed and went over and over in my head how I was going to say it.  Of course it did not come out like how I planned but grateful that I can give honor to God.

This song has gotten me through over the past month along with two others that I'm sure I will share later.  Listen to this song and meditate on the words.  It's an awesome song.  Thank you Jesus!

Without Him living in me, I know I wouldn't get through this life.  I'm grateful for the strength that he has given me and that I'm able to pull from that to get through those tough times.  When I fully grasp the mightiness of Him inside me, I know I will be unstoppable.

Deep Convo

The Bestie and I had a great conversation today.  My spirit really needed our talk.  We have these heart to hearts every once in a while and I so wish we had them everyday or I would settle for once a week.

Jesus is moving on this earth and it seems like more than before we really need Him.  Our hearts are ready to accept his plan for our lives but we as people refuse to truly wholeheartedly follow him.  We have these stipulations and rules we have made up for Him. 

 

 

You ain't said nothing but a word.  I totally would if you would allow me.  Okay, maybe not but wishful thinking right!  You are such a cutie patootie that melts my heart.

 

These heart to hearts are what I long for in my spouse.  It makes me long for an accountability partner. Longing for that fire to be restored back in me.  Longing...

 

This talk helped me to release some things that needed to be released from my spirit, mind, and life.  God always uses him to help me through my wild and relentless thoughts. 

 

 

Why does he have to be so sexy?  Why can't he be mine? Just that he thought of me once while he was on vacay threw me over the top.  I cried, which doesn't say much because I've been crying super easily lately.

 

Thank you for our talk, thank you for tending to me while you work, thank you for sharing apart of you, and extending your listening ear.

 

Everytime I'm with you, I tend to have a song in my heart or words come from deep within and I need to write.

 

He always helps but a smile on my face when I don't want one.

 

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!! You know I love cake!

 

"Always"

 



What Am I?

I'm a loner it's so sad,

When I say it I don't get mad.

I've never fit in into one particular group,

Although I did join a Girl Scout troop.

 

We all need people in our life,

Except for me and Lot's wife.

I have good days and bad days where I wish I was in a click.

Just so I can call someone up and say "what's up chick"!

 

Not a true bestie, bff, or bf...that's what I want now,

When I think about it, I just have a cow.

I'm a people person so it's not like I didn't try,

But what a friend once told me nearly made me cry.

It was a compliment and I knew that then,

So I hid my emotions and journaled with a ballpoint pen.

 

 

I've always been just one of the guys,

Never really had girlfriends because I was eating french fries.

I wish now to do those weekend getaways,

I just sit and reminisce about the good ole days.

The life of a loner has it's good days,

Getting peace and quiet and eating Pei Wei's.

 

I'm grateful for the friends I have,

And glad they have crossed my path.

I couldn't run this race without their support,

And of course without the love from above.

 

I'm starting to realize that I've been called not to fit in,

So that's why I thought I was a loner.

I'm not a loaner, a moaner but I'm here to represent my blood donor.

 

 

He gave his life to set me free,

I must show this world he's living in me.

So see, I'm not a loner as it may seem,

I have that flame, that fire that comes from J.C.

I have work to do that requires me to move,

If I'm not in a click, I don't disapprove.

 

Lord, I'm available to you.

Make me, mold me, and even transform me,

To walk this walk with glee but to stay prayerful on my knees.

 

 

Footsteps

 

As we go through life and get older, we come to realization that our life may not have been the best.  Who do we compare that too?  TV, friends, other people or just by how we thought we should grow up.

One thing that most of us agree on is that we want our children to have a better life than our own.  We can always point out the struggles in our life as a kid and how it might have been unfair or just plain horrible.  Believe me, I have my share of struggles and if I think about it long enough, it can eat away at me from the inside.

As much as we don't want to turn out like our parents.  I'm sure they weren't praying, Lord let my children by just like me.  Let them parent just like me.  I'm sure they had the same thought as we do then.  They just like many of us parent how they think and thought was best for us at that time.  Many of us can look back and say, Man my parents were not good parents, or ask why did that make that choice and the list could go on.  Well just like us or will be most of us...they parented the best they knew how.  Granted sometimes it wasn't the best but we made it.

I believe that we are going to have some tendencies good and bad that we get from our parents.  However, that should not hinder our thinking of our own life.  I believe that each generation has the power within to break that bloodline (curse).  

No we are not going to be able to do it on our own.  We are going to need the power of God to help break some of those chains, bandages and scars that have left us bondaged by our past. 

Time to get your praise on, your dancing shoes out and a shout in that voice, get your BREAKTHROUGH!  We are claiming victory for our future.  Thank you Lord.

All Praise Be To God Almighty

Shouting...

HALLELUJAH, THANK YOU JESUS!!!

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have what we ask of him" --1 John 5:14-15

My car is READY!  I first want to say how thankful I am to be able to drive a vehicle from my job. It's in really bad shape but it didn't matter.  I'm thankful for family and friends who prayed for me, and I'm thankful that I believe in a God that hears my voice, cries, and heart. I thankful for God's favor, grace, and mercy.  It has been the longest 2 weeks of this month.  It was two weeks ago from this day that "Millie" decided she had enough and needed some TLC.  As I have shared, the dealership never called me the whole two weeks.  Today was their first call to me and it was to tell me my car was done.  Yes, I'm thankful for those words but not knowing anything and having people concerned about me was hard.  I called five of the fourteen days and ironically, I kept getting, we don't know what's wrong with your car, we are still trying to determine what the problem is.  Then one answer was we think it's this and we order parts and it won't be in for another 3 days.  Then the call right after that, we still don't know anything.  Why?

Nevermind the why, I'm thankful for favor and that I do not have to purchase a new car which was my fear.  Everything was covered except for $210 for diagnostic.  Thank you Lord!  This is my awesome testimony, and God deserves ALL the PRAISE!!!

This was the first time that I didn't break down emotionally.  I really gave the situation over to God.  Matthew 6:25-26, talks about not worrying about your life, which is anything pertaining to what you are going to eat, wear, decisions, and situations.  He takes care of the birds in the air and our lives are just as important if not more than theirs.  God brought this scripture to rememberance during this time and let me tell you, I have seen some really fat birds lately.  Just this morning while brushing the snow off my car, their were at least 5 birds on a branch near by.  Their bellies were soo big.  I thought, man they are so eating good.  Isn't it amazing that God takes care of us the same way and even better.

With this second chance, I WILL take better care of my car.  God blessed me with Millie, she is MY first car that I purchased and put every single mile on her except 3. I'm going to work on cleaning her out and keeping her maintenanced appropriately.  I've been blessed with her and I want to show God that I can be responsible for more of his blessings.

Lord, thank you so much for your favor on my life.  Thank you for your grace and mercy.  Thank you for your love.  It's by your might that I have been blessed, not by anything grand that I have done.  Lord continue to order my steps as I get my priorities in order and take care of my business.  I love you.  Your name I pray, Amen.