Right or Wrong?

I have so many ole school songs going through my head right now.

Saturday morning, I had such a good conversation and much needed text with the Bestie.  Of course I would have loved to have heard his voice but just grateful for any moment of communication as we don't do it very often anymore.  I knew this was going to happen once I left.

I knew my next adventure meant that some doors were going to be closed.  I did not nor do not want the doors on our relationship to close.  That's my Bestie, my BFF, my Ace boon coon, and my heart.  However, I know that sometimes certain things have to happen in our lives that we may not agree so that we can grow.

The only reason I could think that these doors need to close on our relationship is so that I could truly heal and stop loving him so much.  I didn't really even see the doors closing but me just stepping away.  My thinking is if I didn't see him, that just maybe my feelings would go away and I could get over him and be fine.  Then we could reconnect and I would be able to follow him again on social media's, hang out with him and his girlfriend and everything be fine and "normal".  WRONG!!!  It feels like it's gotten worse.  I want to talk to him more and spend time with him more.  It's crazy.  I think that I've done a darn good job at not stalking him so much.  I have to literally fight every thing inside of me to not bother him.  It hurts so bad and I spend a lot of days crying and many nights pondering.

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, 

relationship we are afraid to take, 

and the decisions we waited too long to make."

I regret so much that I didn't listen to some of my friends and said something before I left on my cruise about how I felt about him.  I was so scared and wanted to stand on what I believed.  It sometimes eats me up but I try to lean to God as much as possible to help me to move on and not let the could of, should of and would of keep me depressed.

I don't know why it's been easier now to express how I feel then when his heart didn't belong to someone.  I know it's not fair and I try not to sow seeds that I don't want to reap later.

This sums up a lot of me.  I don't understand why I'm acting this way, why I'm feeling this way and why I can't turn it off like I normally can.

Then we had lunch today.  I just went out on a limb and asked and was thinking he was going to turn me down like several times before.  Well mostly he doesn't respond so I take that as a no.  I was totally shocked that he said yes.

Let me back up...This morning he sent a have a good day text!  I was in training about I smiled so hard and felt so warm and fuzzy on the inside.  When we first met, he used to do that every morning and it just made my day.  Those are some of the little things that I miss.  Before I read his text, I wasn't really feeling training but when I got his text, MAN, it was like I just had a burst of energy!  I want to cry right now just thinking about how something so small made my heart smile.  That was nothing but God.

So I pick him up for lunch and the first thing he does when he gets in the car was give me a hug!  He smelled soooooo soooooo goooooood *insert obscene word* I could have literally melted!  I wanted to exhale so bad at that moment but had to keep it in.  Real stuff!!!  Anyways, I used to get those hugs all the time when we first met.  I do not take them for granted.  I MISS those hugs.  Something about his hugs makes me feel so at peace in his arms.  I'm not saying that because I like him but I feel safe, I feel that everything is okay now.  I can't explain but God and I know.

Today was the best lunch ever, okay in a long time.  Everything felt so right, is that wrong?  I don't know if I can explain but I'll try.  It was like when we first met, it just felt like it was meant to be.  The two weeks that I hadn't seen him all went away.  I was happy.  My stress and worries were gone.  When I'm around him, I seem to always feel that things are going to be alright, weird.  I could probably be floating in a tornado but as long as he's with me, I would be fine.  I miss his voice, seeing the expressions on his face when he's talking about things, he has so much passion.  I resisted so many urges.  I just don't want to sow the wrong seeds.  I always feel that I do because I know the feelings that I fight every minute, I know my thoughts and I want to be respectful to their relationship (even tho...).

I could have sat and talked with him for hours and it not even faze me.  I did not want our time to end.  It's so sad that we are in the same city and I had to hold back tears and emotions when he was leaving because I already missed him and didn't want our time to end.  I played it off pretty well, I don't think he had no clue.  We are in the same city and it feels like we are states away.

My heart literally hurts.  People may not understand, shoot I didn't understand until I met him.  I think about him every minute, I only cry maybe once a week now but get headaches a lot more because I think about our situation but as soon as I get a text, hear his voice, or see him.  It's like it all disappears.

Is it wrong that everything always feels so right when I'm with him?

Lord, you know my heart, you know my prayers but more importantly, you know what's best for me.  Your will be done. In Jesus name.

Living a Life of Lessons

It's been a while since I've been on last.  I've been using other social media's to express the things I'm going through.  I tried writing but I felt like there was too much going on and I couldn't get it all out.  So I'm trying again tonight.

On September 3, 2013 was the day my heart was fully ripped out of my chest.  For a while now, it was slowly being ripped but it finally was ripped out.  I have never felt that way before.  I'm soo grateful for a friend of mine who lives in Georgia...her prayer got me through.  If I had enough guts to end my life, I really would have.  I know that's tough to hear but it's real life.

I lost my best friend, the one who I secretly hoped was "the one" even though I knew his heart belonged to someone else.  He asked this girl he liked to be his girlfriend and she said yes.  I have so many opinions about this but I'll keep to myself.

He was my "normalcy" and it was gone just like that.  It's crazy and the more I think about it, it makes me cry.  I understand but I still can't wrap my mind around it.  I want to say more but I don't want to regret what I'm writing.

This is the worse feeling in the world and I would not wish this pain on anyone. 

I could go on and on but I'm not.  This pain is deep and I just want to be at a point where I'm not crying about this situation.  I've realize the days it's the hardest for me is when I see him and we actually talk for a while.  I fall in love with him every time I see him or talk to him.  I always feel this connection there.  It's so weird and I don't understand.

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead"

I don't want to move on and be bitter because in my eyes he's perfect and did nothing wrong.  I want to move on and be better.  Learn from this and if it happens again to make sure I guard my heart.  I actually have guarded my heart this far in life and now I understand the scripture from Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

There's a lot of "I wish... or what if..."  However, it doesn't really matter.  I do wish that we would have fought at the beginning when we were both feelin' each other.  That's what I keep thinking about a lot and it makes me sad.  I felt like certain people didn't want to see us together.

 

 

I used to pray and sometimes I still catch myself doing it when I'm extremely in my feelings but to take these feelings for him away.  I would pray that the memories of him all together who leave.  The memories of the good times we had together are sometimes to painful to carry.  Painful in I wish we were still at those moments and since we are not, it hurts. 

 

Those were not the right prayers.  It was a prayer of someone who had been hurt and the start of bitterness.  I always pray for him sometimes I pray for him more than me.  One day, I observed how God changed my prayers for him.  I love God and I love the Jesus in him. 

 

I've learned so much because of our relationship. I'm so grateful for our friendship and the time we have spent together.  Again, he came into my life at the right time.  I will end with this video.  There are so many video's that I want to post but I think this explains me and how I feel right now.  Not necessarily his part.

 

This is my disclaimer: I know it seems like I'm thirsty for him and sometimes even a "side chick" but believe me I'm not a home wrecker.  I want the best for my friend but most importantly, I don't want to sow any seeds that I don't want to reap.  Although I fight these thoughts daily...I believe that I'm just fighting the feelings that I have for someone I care a lot about.  Unfortunately, these feelings don't go away easily especially if they are real and you experience those same feelings every time you encounter that person.  My prayer is that God's will be done and I believe it will.

 



No matter what I do, all I think about is you

Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you

I.. love you, and I.. need you
And it's more than you'll.. ever know
But.. it's fo'sho

Ode to the Bestie

 I love you

I love your smile

I love your eyes

I love your height

I love your lips

I love your hands

I love your body

I love your hugs

I love your laughs

 

I love how you have a heart of gold

I love how you love your family

I love how you make everyone around you feel special

I love how you make me feel special

I love how you see the beauty in things

I love your passion

I love how you are so talented in so many areas

I love that look you give that makes me so giddy for you

I love how being around you makes me feel everything is going to be alright

I love that you accept me for me

I love how you make me laugh

I love that you "play" and let me bother you when I'm sure you don't want to be bothered

 

You are the first person that I've had such strong feelings for

You are the first person that I've told people that "I love him"

You are the first person that no matter my feelings, I always want to be with you

You make me happy

You give me butterflies

You are my bestfriend

You are the first thing I think about in the morning

You are the last person I think about before I go to bed

You are the music in my soul

You are the smile in my heart

I sometimes wish you were the one that will be in my life forever

I wish I had your heart the same as you have mine (darn sire bond)

I wish it were your hands that I could hold at the movies, walking down the street or when I want

I wish it were your lips I could kiss every moment of the day

I wish you were the one I could come home to each day

I wish it was your arms that I can find rest in

I wish you were the one I could cuddle up to and put my cold feet under

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your smile every morning

 

Thank you for being my friend

Thank you for showing me that I can be pretty

Thank you for listening to me talk and vent

Thank you for seeing the beauty inside of me

Thank you for letting me invade your space

Thank you for your patience

Thank you for being my roadie, even though you are leary about my driving

Thank you for looking past my flaws

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for showing me that I can love someone

Thank you for your truthfulness

Thank you for being my light in a dark place

Thank you for helping me think outside my own thoughts

Thank you for giving me hope when all else seems hopeless

Thank you for being you

 

 

The realization of knowing that you are not "The one" hurts my heart daily

How do I get my heart back, how do I love you like a friend and not more

Here is my confession, I say you are my bestfriend but secretly want you as more

I've been untrue to you and myself just so I won't lose the connection

You have changed my life

You have changed my world

I'm a better person because you have entered my life

 

 

 Happy Birthday Buddy

You have reached a milestone

You left a boy and returning a man, Viva Las Vegas!!

I love you more than you will probably ever realize!!!

 

            

 

 

This song reminds me of you...You truly are so beautiful!