Right or Wrong?

I have so many ole school songs going through my head right now.

Saturday morning, I had such a good conversation and much needed text with the Bestie.  Of course I would have loved to have heard his voice but just grateful for any moment of communication as we don't do it very often anymore.  I knew this was going to happen once I left.

I knew my next adventure meant that some doors were going to be closed.  I did not nor do not want the doors on our relationship to close.  That's my Bestie, my BFF, my Ace boon coon, and my heart.  However, I know that sometimes certain things have to happen in our lives that we may not agree so that we can grow.

The only reason I could think that these doors need to close on our relationship is so that I could truly heal and stop loving him so much.  I didn't really even see the doors closing but me just stepping away.  My thinking is if I didn't see him, that just maybe my feelings would go away and I could get over him and be fine.  Then we could reconnect and I would be able to follow him again on social media's, hang out with him and his girlfriend and everything be fine and "normal".  WRONG!!!  It feels like it's gotten worse.  I want to talk to him more and spend time with him more.  It's crazy.  I think that I've done a darn good job at not stalking him so much.  I have to literally fight every thing inside of me to not bother him.  It hurts so bad and I spend a lot of days crying and many nights pondering.

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, 

relationship we are afraid to take, 

and the decisions we waited too long to make."

I regret so much that I didn't listen to some of my friends and said something before I left on my cruise about how I felt about him.  I was so scared and wanted to stand on what I believed.  It sometimes eats me up but I try to lean to God as much as possible to help me to move on and not let the could of, should of and would of keep me depressed.

I don't know why it's been easier now to express how I feel then when his heart didn't belong to someone.  I know it's not fair and I try not to sow seeds that I don't want to reap later.

This sums up a lot of me.  I don't understand why I'm acting this way, why I'm feeling this way and why I can't turn it off like I normally can.

Then we had lunch today.  I just went out on a limb and asked and was thinking he was going to turn me down like several times before.  Well mostly he doesn't respond so I take that as a no.  I was totally shocked that he said yes.

Let me back up...This morning he sent a have a good day text!  I was in training about I smiled so hard and felt so warm and fuzzy on the inside.  When we first met, he used to do that every morning and it just made my day.  Those are some of the little things that I miss.  Before I read his text, I wasn't really feeling training but when I got his text, MAN, it was like I just had a burst of energy!  I want to cry right now just thinking about how something so small made my heart smile.  That was nothing but God.

So I pick him up for lunch and the first thing he does when he gets in the car was give me a hug!  He smelled soooooo soooooo goooooood *insert obscene word* I could have literally melted!  I wanted to exhale so bad at that moment but had to keep it in.  Real stuff!!!  Anyways, I used to get those hugs all the time when we first met.  I do not take them for granted.  I MISS those hugs.  Something about his hugs makes me feel so at peace in his arms.  I'm not saying that because I like him but I feel safe, I feel that everything is okay now.  I can't explain but God and I know.

Today was the best lunch ever, okay in a long time.  Everything felt so right, is that wrong?  I don't know if I can explain but I'll try.  It was like when we first met, it just felt like it was meant to be.  The two weeks that I hadn't seen him all went away.  I was happy.  My stress and worries were gone.  When I'm around him, I seem to always feel that things are going to be alright, weird.  I could probably be floating in a tornado but as long as he's with me, I would be fine.  I miss his voice, seeing the expressions on his face when he's talking about things, he has so much passion.  I resisted so many urges.  I just don't want to sow the wrong seeds.  I always feel that I do because I know the feelings that I fight every minute, I know my thoughts and I want to be respectful to their relationship (even tho...).

I could have sat and talked with him for hours and it not even faze me.  I did not want our time to end.  It's so sad that we are in the same city and I had to hold back tears and emotions when he was leaving because I already missed him and didn't want our time to end.  I played it off pretty well, I don't think he had no clue.  We are in the same city and it feels like we are states away.

My heart literally hurts.  People may not understand, shoot I didn't understand until I met him.  I think about him every minute, I only cry maybe once a week now but get headaches a lot more because I think about our situation but as soon as I get a text, hear his voice, or see him.  It's like it all disappears.

Is it wrong that everything always feels so right when I'm with him?

Lord, you know my heart, you know my prayers but more importantly, you know what's best for me.  Your will be done. In Jesus name.

B.F.....f

This was during Labor Day weekend in Chicago.  I think we look perfect together.  This was taken two days before he asked his now girlfriend to be his girlfriend.  Crazy, I know and so hard for me to think about.

He stopped in today at work to use the computer.  He was getting ready to head out without saying hi.  My heart almost dropped.  Then he came back and said hi and gave me a hug.  He smelled so good.  He puts a smile on my face every time I see him.  I can't stop smiling when I'm around him.

So I told him that I would really like to see him on Tuesday as it's my last day.  Sad that I have to say that to my best friend but I don't think that I will see him again.  Of course not by my wanting.  He says, this will be the last time I see you...well consistently.  I was thinking to myself, no you had it right the first time.  He says, you probably end of moving and you tell me that you are in North Carolina and you have three kids and they have kids and their kids have kids and....Oh God is calling me I gotta go.  He makes me laugh but he's right.  I was like you will probably see it on facebook. It hurts to think that he's thinking of life without me in it.  When I always think about life with him in it.  Guess, that's where I need to change my thinking which hurts to do so.

He was taking a selfie and I did what I do best "photo bomb".  I love photo bombing his pics.  I'm sure he probably got tired of me always doing that but I guess he doesn't have to worry about it now. Tear, tear!!!  He is so adorbz!!!

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart..."

Will it Pass?

It's 3:53a and I've been up since 2:30a.  This has been my routine these past few days.  These last two days, I have not want to press through and pray.  I've been in my emotions.

I miss my best friend, my soul mate, my heart...

How do you move forward from the feelings that are so strong that ONLY you feel?  He has moved on with his life and I'm still struggling.  It totally SUCKS.  Keeping busy is not the answer, being alone is not the answer, I've tried to give it up like it's a bad habit but really?

I talked about inner strength yesterday and I know the God in me is strong enough to get past this.  I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep, waking up at 3a and crying, almost every waking minute.  The thought of losing him hurts so bad.

Well I've already lost him.  He has moved on with his girlfriend aka future wife.  Yes, the green-eyed monster has hit me and I'm fully aware of it.  I know jealousy is not of God and I should not harbor just feelings.  I never would have thought that I would exhibit such feelings.  I can't follow him on social media because I can't handle seeing pictures of them together.  It literally hurts down to my soul.  That's the only way I can explain it.  I try and visit his page once every 2-3 weeks to see if I've moved on and can handle following him but every time I do, I feel like I fall 30 steps back.  It always makes it worse.  I wonder if I will ever be able to follow him again.

The only person I blame for feeling this way is me.  It was my choice from the beginning.

It scares me because my last day of work is Tuesday and I think this might be the last time I will see him or even talk to him.  I'm so scared of the door closing on our friendship but maybe it's time to move on.  I don't want to because of my own selfishness but that's "normal" right?

Maybe this was the way the door was going to close?  I actually was waiting for him to tell me that we can't be friends and that he had an ultimatum.  Which verbally that didn't happen but his actions speak louder than words.  She sent a message to me by "marking" her territory.  For me, that showed me that she is/was jealous of our relationship which is understandable.  Women, we tend to do things that just makes me shake my head, that's all I'll say without going into what I want to say.

I can't help but look at our pictures and compare them to the few that I've seen of them and think, he looked so much more happier in the ones we have together.  I know that could be me just feeding into my own selfish desires or what not.  Then I have to remind myself, it doesn't matter if he looks happier or even if he truly was happier.  HE HAS MOVED ON!!! So it's time for me to MOVE ON!!!  I DON'T KNOW HOW...I literally yell this in my house and I'm sure my neighbors are probably like, what is wrong with that chick.  She must be going through. Well I'm trying to get through it yes.

Yes, so many regrets...I will put this with the rest of them.

That thought of him still makes me smile.  So many things make me want to call him, text him or tag him.  Sometimes I do but mostly I don't.  He doesn't respond like he use to or doesn't respond at all, so I just take it as a sign that I need to stop trying to hold on to something (friendship) or someone who maybe needs or wants to move on themselves. It's sooo freaking hard!  I genuinely love and care about him. It hurts so much not to reach out to him or stop by.

He's sick right now and I know how he is when he's sick.  He dislikes this season and so on.  These are things that I know and I just want to go and take care of him, cuddle up next to him, get him what he needs.  I feel like I know what he needs BUT he has a girlfriend and that's what she should be doing.  It took everything in me not to drop by and bring him some soup. As a friend, it should be okay, right?  However, I don't trust my own intentions and out of the respect for her...it's best I stay away.

I feel like he needs me but wants her but in reality, I don't know what he needs but I do know that he wants her.  But that's something I don't need to ponder on but I do.  I feel like she doesn't know how to take care of him like I do, she doesn't know what he needs like I do...I laugh now as I write this but these are things that make me shed a tear.

This might be a continual fight until I let go. If I can let go.

And even more...right?

Lesson learned is to: Always guard your heart!
  

Living a Life of Lessons

It's been a while since I've been on last.  I've been using other social media's to express the things I'm going through.  I tried writing but I felt like there was too much going on and I couldn't get it all out.  So I'm trying again tonight.

On September 3, 2013 was the day my heart was fully ripped out of my chest.  For a while now, it was slowly being ripped but it finally was ripped out.  I have never felt that way before.  I'm soo grateful for a friend of mine who lives in Georgia...her prayer got me through.  If I had enough guts to end my life, I really would have.  I know that's tough to hear but it's real life.

I lost my best friend, the one who I secretly hoped was "the one" even though I knew his heart belonged to someone else.  He asked this girl he liked to be his girlfriend and she said yes.  I have so many opinions about this but I'll keep to myself.

He was my "normalcy" and it was gone just like that.  It's crazy and the more I think about it, it makes me cry.  I understand but I still can't wrap my mind around it.  I want to say more but I don't want to regret what I'm writing.

This is the worse feeling in the world and I would not wish this pain on anyone. 

I could go on and on but I'm not.  This pain is deep and I just want to be at a point where I'm not crying about this situation.  I've realize the days it's the hardest for me is when I see him and we actually talk for a while.  I fall in love with him every time I see him or talk to him.  I always feel this connection there.  It's so weird and I don't understand.

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead"

I don't want to move on and be bitter because in my eyes he's perfect and did nothing wrong.  I want to move on and be better.  Learn from this and if it happens again to make sure I guard my heart.  I actually have guarded my heart this far in life and now I understand the scripture from Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

There's a lot of "I wish... or what if..."  However, it doesn't really matter.  I do wish that we would have fought at the beginning when we were both feelin' each other.  That's what I keep thinking about a lot and it makes me sad.  I felt like certain people didn't want to see us together.

 

 

I used to pray and sometimes I still catch myself doing it when I'm extremely in my feelings but to take these feelings for him away.  I would pray that the memories of him all together who leave.  The memories of the good times we had together are sometimes to painful to carry.  Painful in I wish we were still at those moments and since we are not, it hurts. 

 

Those were not the right prayers.  It was a prayer of someone who had been hurt and the start of bitterness.  I always pray for him sometimes I pray for him more than me.  One day, I observed how God changed my prayers for him.  I love God and I love the Jesus in him. 

 

I've learned so much because of our relationship. I'm so grateful for our friendship and the time we have spent together.  Again, he came into my life at the right time.  I will end with this video.  There are so many video's that I want to post but I think this explains me and how I feel right now.  Not necessarily his part.

 

This is my disclaimer: I know it seems like I'm thirsty for him and sometimes even a "side chick" but believe me I'm not a home wrecker.  I want the best for my friend but most importantly, I don't want to sow any seeds that I don't want to reap.  Although I fight these thoughts daily...I believe that I'm just fighting the feelings that I have for someone I care a lot about.  Unfortunately, these feelings don't go away easily especially if they are real and you experience those same feelings every time you encounter that person.  My prayer is that God's will be done and I believe it will.

 



No matter what I do, all I think about is you

Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you

I.. love you, and I.. need you
And it's more than you'll.. ever know
But.. it's fo'sho

Cheating Myself

"The One I Gave My Heart To"  Aaliyah

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?
How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?

How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

 

As I left tonight, this is the first song that came to my heart.  I kept singing the first two lines over and over for about 4 miles on the way home and then youtubed the video.

Answer: Because he's not mine

 

 

I know he kept me there so I could meet her but I didn't want to meet her.  I've been dreading this day and it came.  It was so awkward, watching them flirt with each other.  It made my heart hurt and made my stomache sick.  I wanted to leave SOOOO bad.  I wanted him to introduce me real quick and then I could say nice to meet you but I'm heading out.  Oh no, they were so indulged in each other and touchy feely for about 10 mins before she introduced herself.  I wanted to say so bad to them excuse me my name is and I'm heading out the door but I was trying not to be rude.

 

I'm proud of myself because I wanted to just cry so hard but as this song was going through my head, I kept telling myself, it will be okay and then I was so upset that he still has my heart and wondering when I would not have feelings for him.  Then something I heard on Vam Di tonight was that the love will go away once you fall in love again with someone else.  Well, so freaking hopeless.  I don't normally fall in love, like or attraction with anyone, I don't know how it happened with him.  

 

Those who are attracted to me are old enough to be my daddy or my grandpa (singing, I'm not your daddy I'm your grandpa...yep, you sure are).  Then I fall for someone who is old enough to be my son.  Just HOPELESS!!

 

The bad thing about this is that I needed him in my life at the point he showed up.  So many good things have come out of our relationship and I think good things continue to come out of our friendship.  This is just a hurdle that I need to get over because clearly he is completely fine and loses no sleep or sheds a tear. 

 

I hear people telling me that his time in my life has come to an end and to be fair to me as well as him, I need to walk away.  I cannot heal if I continue to succumb myself to his life.  I had gotten the same word and that is why I want to leave here because I think it would be easier to be out of his life if I didn't live here.  I love him and how can I stop loving him if I continue to fall for him each time we talk.  But yet, I need him (that's what I believe anyways).

 

I had an epiphany on the way home.  I continue to run, thinking I'm running away from my problems when I'm really not going anywhere.

 

 

Truth is...my heart hurts when he talks about her on fb or in general, he comments on her posts, when she comments on his, when they tag each other, or just anything involving her makes me cry because it hurts.  Jealousy is one of the deadly sins and I pray that God forgives me for taking on that trait.  I hate feeling this way, I don't know her but it's just the fact that she has his heart and I wish it was me but then again I don't. 

 

I continue to give him what I would give my spouse.  However, he doesn't respond the way I expect because he is NOT the one and he will not understand the love behind my actions.  No fault to him but he's not going to because I'm not suppose to do it for him.  I'm only cheating me.

 

I just pray for the day that the heartaches will stop and I will look at him as a friend only.