Living a Life of Lessons

It's been a while since I've been on last.  I've been using other social media's to express the things I'm going through.  I tried writing but I felt like there was too much going on and I couldn't get it all out.  So I'm trying again tonight.

On September 3, 2013 was the day my heart was fully ripped out of my chest.  For a while now, it was slowly being ripped but it finally was ripped out.  I have never felt that way before.  I'm soo grateful for a friend of mine who lives in Georgia...her prayer got me through.  If I had enough guts to end my life, I really would have.  I know that's tough to hear but it's real life.

I lost my best friend, the one who I secretly hoped was "the one" even though I knew his heart belonged to someone else.  He asked this girl he liked to be his girlfriend and she said yes.  I have so many opinions about this but I'll keep to myself.

He was my "normalcy" and it was gone just like that.  It's crazy and the more I think about it, it makes me cry.  I understand but I still can't wrap my mind around it.  I want to say more but I don't want to regret what I'm writing.

This is the worse feeling in the world and I would not wish this pain on anyone. 

I could go on and on but I'm not.  This pain is deep and I just want to be at a point where I'm not crying about this situation.  I've realize the days it's the hardest for me is when I see him and we actually talk for a while.  I fall in love with him every time I see him or talk to him.  I always feel this connection there.  It's so weird and I don't understand.

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead"

I don't want to move on and be bitter because in my eyes he's perfect and did nothing wrong.  I want to move on and be better.  Learn from this and if it happens again to make sure I guard my heart.  I actually have guarded my heart this far in life and now I understand the scripture from Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

There's a lot of "I wish... or what if..."  However, it doesn't really matter.  I do wish that we would have fought at the beginning when we were both feelin' each other.  That's what I keep thinking about a lot and it makes me sad.  I felt like certain people didn't want to see us together.

 

 

I used to pray and sometimes I still catch myself doing it when I'm extremely in my feelings but to take these feelings for him away.  I would pray that the memories of him all together who leave.  The memories of the good times we had together are sometimes to painful to carry.  Painful in I wish we were still at those moments and since we are not, it hurts. 

 

Those were not the right prayers.  It was a prayer of someone who had been hurt and the start of bitterness.  I always pray for him sometimes I pray for him more than me.  One day, I observed how God changed my prayers for him.  I love God and I love the Jesus in him. 

 

I've learned so much because of our relationship. I'm so grateful for our friendship and the time we have spent together.  Again, he came into my life at the right time.  I will end with this video.  There are so many video's that I want to post but I think this explains me and how I feel right now.  Not necessarily his part.

 

This is my disclaimer: I know it seems like I'm thirsty for him and sometimes even a "side chick" but believe me I'm not a home wrecker.  I want the best for my friend but most importantly, I don't want to sow any seeds that I don't want to reap.  Although I fight these thoughts daily...I believe that I'm just fighting the feelings that I have for someone I care a lot about.  Unfortunately, these feelings don't go away easily especially if they are real and you experience those same feelings every time you encounter that person.  My prayer is that God's will be done and I believe it will.

 



No matter what I do, all I think about is you

Even when I'm with my boo, boy you know I'm crazy over you

I.. love you, and I.. need you
And it's more than you'll.. ever know
But.. it's fo'sho

Ode to the Bestie

 I love you

I love your smile

I love your eyes

I love your height

I love your lips

I love your hands

I love your body

I love your hugs

I love your laughs

 

I love how you have a heart of gold

I love how you love your family

I love how you make everyone around you feel special

I love how you make me feel special

I love how you see the beauty in things

I love your passion

I love how you are so talented in so many areas

I love that look you give that makes me so giddy for you

I love how being around you makes me feel everything is going to be alright

I love that you accept me for me

I love how you make me laugh

I love that you "play" and let me bother you when I'm sure you don't want to be bothered

 

You are the first person that I've had such strong feelings for

You are the first person that I've told people that "I love him"

You are the first person that no matter my feelings, I always want to be with you

You make me happy

You give me butterflies

You are my bestfriend

You are the first thing I think about in the morning

You are the last person I think about before I go to bed

You are the music in my soul

You are the smile in my heart

I sometimes wish you were the one that will be in my life forever

I wish I had your heart the same as you have mine (darn sire bond)

I wish it were your hands that I could hold at the movies, walking down the street or when I want

I wish it were your lips I could kiss every moment of the day

I wish you were the one I could come home to each day

I wish it was your arms that I can find rest in

I wish you were the one I could cuddle up to and put my cold feet under

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your smile every morning

 

Thank you for being my friend

Thank you for showing me that I can be pretty

Thank you for listening to me talk and vent

Thank you for seeing the beauty inside of me

Thank you for letting me invade your space

Thank you for your patience

Thank you for being my roadie, even though you are leary about my driving

Thank you for looking past my flaws

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for showing me that I can love someone

Thank you for your truthfulness

Thank you for being my light in a dark place

Thank you for helping me think outside my own thoughts

Thank you for giving me hope when all else seems hopeless

Thank you for being you

 

 

The realization of knowing that you are not "The one" hurts my heart daily

How do I get my heart back, how do I love you like a friend and not more

Here is my confession, I say you are my bestfriend but secretly want you as more

I've been untrue to you and myself just so I won't lose the connection

You have changed my life

You have changed my world

I'm a better person because you have entered my life

 

 

 Happy Birthday Buddy

You have reached a milestone

You left a boy and returning a man, Viva Las Vegas!!

I love you more than you will probably ever realize!!!

 

            

 

 

This song reminds me of you...You truly are so beautiful!

 

Quality Time with Him

You invited me to church and I didn't want to go,
I felt so bad when I said no.
It hurt my heart when you said, "I wanted you to go",
but I couldn't go and face this new girl so.
I don't want to share you with anyone else just yet,
and definitely not see the girl you want to wed.

Dinner and a movie is what we did,
I'm so proud that I did not chip in.
I didn't think twice and it felt so nice,
it was great to spend the evening with you last night.
I know we are just friends how can I forget,
as I think about the other girl you just met.

I need to set more strict boundaries which is so hard
but if I don't, I'm going to keep falling like a retard.
I'm stronger than this, this much I know
but when your hearts involved it makes you weaker than snow.

I enjoy your friendship and I don't want to lose it
but if I keep acting like a maniac, you're going to duece it.
As the weekend comes to an end and I wish we had more time,
I'm already looking forward to next time.

My Mister

I wrote in an earlier post about waiting for my Boaz as I studied Ruth in bible study.  We'll my friend Tori sparked some hot topics while posting about "Adam".  You can read more as she started a blog this week at Awaiting Adam.  She posted a intercessory prayer to God for her "Adam" that I will repost now as a reminder for me to continue to stand in the gap for my "Mister"...

"Tonight I pray for my Adam. I pray that God will continue to lead, guide and protect you; that the Holy Spirit will minister to your every need; that you remain faithful and steadfast to the call of God on your life and continue to walk in His Will for your life as it will soon effect OUR lives; that you are confidently waiting for me, knowing that I am praying and faithfully waiting for you....I love you...."

I used to pray for Mister and became idle in standing in the gap.  I started praying some years back in college when a friend shared how she prayed for her Mister I believe before they were married and she found out later that the night she prayed for him, he was picked up by two young ladies who mentioned to him that they were going to rape him.  I don't recall why they didn't but it stuck how to me how she was obedient and prayed before they met and were together and it was her prayer that moved God.  It just shows how important intercessory prayer is and standing in the gap for anyone, not just your special someone is SO IMPORTANT NOW than before.

As I wait, I must take the information I "know" so well and apply it to my spirit man!  I must TRULY be the woman of God that I pray about for God, Mister, and me.  I must walk in the shoes that my Heavenly Father has given me as heir to His thrown.  I must turn from the torn pieces of cloth that the enemy tries to make be believe I am.

I am:

•    The daughter of the Most High
•    Victorious in ALL areas of my life
•    Loved by my Heavenly Father
•    Forgiven of ALL my sins
•    Made whole
•    Worthy to be loved
•    Redeemed
•    Somebody
•    Beautiful
•    Prosperious in ALL areas of my life

I will admit, it was hard to come up with the ten things I know I am in the Lord.  As I work on my self-esteem and worth.  I pray that I will be able to see with my spiritual eyes my true worth and value as my Heavenly Father sees me.  I pray that I will allow God to work in my life and prepare me to be what he has called me to be (wife, mother, caregiver, ect).  Lord I thank you in advance for your love, mercy and grace.  I thank you for Godly friends and support.  I pray that you will increase my circle of Godly friends, increase healthy relationships with men and women, increase my wisdom and discernment, and increase the love you have installed in me for your people.  Remove in me those things that are not fruit of the spirit, those things that are not of you.  Replace the things that are not of you with things that are pure, just, loyal, and noble.   I love you Lord.