Temptation

Temptation is nothing to be reckoned with.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Cor 10:13

So I haven't been on his page in over a month at least.  Today I broke that today. I'm in tears right now because I'm upset that I got on his page.  I was doing so well for so long.  I miss keeping up with him.  Now that I don't see him everyday, I feel like I don't know what's going on with him.  Is this what's suppose to happen?  I keep reaching out to him because I want him in my life.  I want to know about how he's doing. Especially during this time right now, I just don't want him to feel like he's alone even though I was just where he was and coming out of it as of 3 days ago.

I feel like I just relapsed today.  I had a anxiety attack and everything.  I just want him in my life.  He would say that he is but not how I want him to be.  The messed up thing about this is, I did okay with being on his page until I went further back and then I couldn't take it.  It's my fault though.  I should have just stayed within this month NO...I shouldn't have gotten on his page.

Man, all my feelings have surfaced.  I know how he is feeling that's what sucks.  Only God can heal him and I know there is nothing I can really do but I just want to love him back to health but it's not my responsibility.

 
Lord I need you.

I thought he was the one but his heart did not belong to me but someone else.  My prayer is that in our hearts, Lord you will be that special thing.  Lord hide my heart so deep in you that I will not be blinded by love but only see the love that you have for me.  Lord, I need you, please hear my tears as my words are everywhere.

Right or Wrong?

I have so many ole school songs going through my head right now.

Saturday morning, I had such a good conversation and much needed text with the Bestie.  Of course I would have loved to have heard his voice but just grateful for any moment of communication as we don't do it very often anymore.  I knew this was going to happen once I left.

I knew my next adventure meant that some doors were going to be closed.  I did not nor do not want the doors on our relationship to close.  That's my Bestie, my BFF, my Ace boon coon, and my heart.  However, I know that sometimes certain things have to happen in our lives that we may not agree so that we can grow.

The only reason I could think that these doors need to close on our relationship is so that I could truly heal and stop loving him so much.  I didn't really even see the doors closing but me just stepping away.  My thinking is if I didn't see him, that just maybe my feelings would go away and I could get over him and be fine.  Then we could reconnect and I would be able to follow him again on social media's, hang out with him and his girlfriend and everything be fine and "normal".  WRONG!!!  It feels like it's gotten worse.  I want to talk to him more and spend time with him more.  It's crazy.  I think that I've done a darn good job at not stalking him so much.  I have to literally fight every thing inside of me to not bother him.  It hurts so bad and I spend a lot of days crying and many nights pondering.

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, 

relationship we are afraid to take, 

and the decisions we waited too long to make."

I regret so much that I didn't listen to some of my friends and said something before I left on my cruise about how I felt about him.  I was so scared and wanted to stand on what I believed.  It sometimes eats me up but I try to lean to God as much as possible to help me to move on and not let the could of, should of and would of keep me depressed.

I don't know why it's been easier now to express how I feel then when his heart didn't belong to someone.  I know it's not fair and I try not to sow seeds that I don't want to reap later.

This sums up a lot of me.  I don't understand why I'm acting this way, why I'm feeling this way and why I can't turn it off like I normally can.

Then we had lunch today.  I just went out on a limb and asked and was thinking he was going to turn me down like several times before.  Well mostly he doesn't respond so I take that as a no.  I was totally shocked that he said yes.

Let me back up...This morning he sent a have a good day text!  I was in training about I smiled so hard and felt so warm and fuzzy on the inside.  When we first met, he used to do that every morning and it just made my day.  Those are some of the little things that I miss.  Before I read his text, I wasn't really feeling training but when I got his text, MAN, it was like I just had a burst of energy!  I want to cry right now just thinking about how something so small made my heart smile.  That was nothing but God.

So I pick him up for lunch and the first thing he does when he gets in the car was give me a hug!  He smelled soooooo soooooo goooooood *insert obscene word* I could have literally melted!  I wanted to exhale so bad at that moment but had to keep it in.  Real stuff!!!  Anyways, I used to get those hugs all the time when we first met.  I do not take them for granted.  I MISS those hugs.  Something about his hugs makes me feel so at peace in his arms.  I'm not saying that because I like him but I feel safe, I feel that everything is okay now.  I can't explain but God and I know.

Today was the best lunch ever, okay in a long time.  Everything felt so right, is that wrong?  I don't know if I can explain but I'll try.  It was like when we first met, it just felt like it was meant to be.  The two weeks that I hadn't seen him all went away.  I was happy.  My stress and worries were gone.  When I'm around him, I seem to always feel that things are going to be alright, weird.  I could probably be floating in a tornado but as long as he's with me, I would be fine.  I miss his voice, seeing the expressions on his face when he's talking about things, he has so much passion.  I resisted so many urges.  I just don't want to sow the wrong seeds.  I always feel that I do because I know the feelings that I fight every minute, I know my thoughts and I want to be respectful to their relationship (even tho...).

I could have sat and talked with him for hours and it not even faze me.  I did not want our time to end.  It's so sad that we are in the same city and I had to hold back tears and emotions when he was leaving because I already missed him and didn't want our time to end.  I played it off pretty well, I don't think he had no clue.  We are in the same city and it feels like we are states away.

My heart literally hurts.  People may not understand, shoot I didn't understand until I met him.  I think about him every minute, I only cry maybe once a week now but get headaches a lot more because I think about our situation but as soon as I get a text, hear his voice, or see him.  It's like it all disappears.

Is it wrong that everything always feels so right when I'm with him?

Lord, you know my heart, you know my prayers but more importantly, you know what's best for me.  Your will be done. In Jesus name.

B.F.....f

This was during Labor Day weekend in Chicago.  I think we look perfect together.  This was taken two days before he asked his now girlfriend to be his girlfriend.  Crazy, I know and so hard for me to think about.

He stopped in today at work to use the computer.  He was getting ready to head out without saying hi.  My heart almost dropped.  Then he came back and said hi and gave me a hug.  He smelled so good.  He puts a smile on my face every time I see him.  I can't stop smiling when I'm around him.

So I told him that I would really like to see him on Tuesday as it's my last day.  Sad that I have to say that to my best friend but I don't think that I will see him again.  Of course not by my wanting.  He says, this will be the last time I see you...well consistently.  I was thinking to myself, no you had it right the first time.  He says, you probably end of moving and you tell me that you are in North Carolina and you have three kids and they have kids and their kids have kids and....Oh God is calling me I gotta go.  He makes me laugh but he's right.  I was like you will probably see it on facebook. It hurts to think that he's thinking of life without me in it.  When I always think about life with him in it.  Guess, that's where I need to change my thinking which hurts to do so.

He was taking a selfie and I did what I do best "photo bomb".  I love photo bombing his pics.  I'm sure he probably got tired of me always doing that but I guess he doesn't have to worry about it now. Tear, tear!!!  He is so adorbz!!!

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart..."

Cheating Myself

"The One I Gave My Heart To"  Aaliyah

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?
How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?

How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

 

As I left tonight, this is the first song that came to my heart.  I kept singing the first two lines over and over for about 4 miles on the way home and then youtubed the video.

Answer: Because he's not mine

 

 

I know he kept me there so I could meet her but I didn't want to meet her.  I've been dreading this day and it came.  It was so awkward, watching them flirt with each other.  It made my heart hurt and made my stomache sick.  I wanted to leave SOOOO bad.  I wanted him to introduce me real quick and then I could say nice to meet you but I'm heading out.  Oh no, they were so indulged in each other and touchy feely for about 10 mins before she introduced herself.  I wanted to say so bad to them excuse me my name is and I'm heading out the door but I was trying not to be rude.

 

I'm proud of myself because I wanted to just cry so hard but as this song was going through my head, I kept telling myself, it will be okay and then I was so upset that he still has my heart and wondering when I would not have feelings for him.  Then something I heard on Vam Di tonight was that the love will go away once you fall in love again with someone else.  Well, so freaking hopeless.  I don't normally fall in love, like or attraction with anyone, I don't know how it happened with him.  

 

Those who are attracted to me are old enough to be my daddy or my grandpa (singing, I'm not your daddy I'm your grandpa...yep, you sure are).  Then I fall for someone who is old enough to be my son.  Just HOPELESS!!

 

The bad thing about this is that I needed him in my life at the point he showed up.  So many good things have come out of our relationship and I think good things continue to come out of our friendship.  This is just a hurdle that I need to get over because clearly he is completely fine and loses no sleep or sheds a tear. 

 

I hear people telling me that his time in my life has come to an end and to be fair to me as well as him, I need to walk away.  I cannot heal if I continue to succumb myself to his life.  I had gotten the same word and that is why I want to leave here because I think it would be easier to be out of his life if I didn't live here.  I love him and how can I stop loving him if I continue to fall for him each time we talk.  But yet, I need him (that's what I believe anyways).

 

I had an epiphany on the way home.  I continue to run, thinking I'm running away from my problems when I'm really not going anywhere.

 

 

Truth is...my heart hurts when he talks about her on fb or in general, he comments on her posts, when she comments on his, when they tag each other, or just anything involving her makes me cry because it hurts.  Jealousy is one of the deadly sins and I pray that God forgives me for taking on that trait.  I hate feeling this way, I don't know her but it's just the fact that she has his heart and I wish it was me but then again I don't. 

 

I continue to give him what I would give my spouse.  However, he doesn't respond the way I expect because he is NOT the one and he will not understand the love behind my actions.  No fault to him but he's not going to because I'm not suppose to do it for him.  I'm only cheating me.

 

I just pray for the day that the heartaches will stop and I will look at him as a friend only.

 

Deep Convo

The Bestie and I had a great conversation today.  My spirit really needed our talk.  We have these heart to hearts every once in a while and I so wish we had them everyday or I would settle for once a week.

Jesus is moving on this earth and it seems like more than before we really need Him.  Our hearts are ready to accept his plan for our lives but we as people refuse to truly wholeheartedly follow him.  We have these stipulations and rules we have made up for Him. 

 

 

You ain't said nothing but a word.  I totally would if you would allow me.  Okay, maybe not but wishful thinking right!  You are such a cutie patootie that melts my heart.

 

These heart to hearts are what I long for in my spouse.  It makes me long for an accountability partner. Longing for that fire to be restored back in me.  Longing...

 

This talk helped me to release some things that needed to be released from my spirit, mind, and life.  God always uses him to help me through my wild and relentless thoughts. 

 

 

Why does he have to be so sexy?  Why can't he be mine? Just that he thought of me once while he was on vacay threw me over the top.  I cried, which doesn't say much because I've been crying super easily lately.

 

Thank you for our talk, thank you for tending to me while you work, thank you for sharing apart of you, and extending your listening ear.

 

Everytime I'm with you, I tend to have a song in my heart or words come from deep within and I need to write.

 

He always helps but a smile on my face when I don't want one.

 

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!! You know I love cake!

 

"Always"

 



Ode to the Bestie

 I love you

I love your smile

I love your eyes

I love your height

I love your lips

I love your hands

I love your body

I love your hugs

I love your laughs

 

I love how you have a heart of gold

I love how you love your family

I love how you make everyone around you feel special

I love how you make me feel special

I love how you see the beauty in things

I love your passion

I love how you are so talented in so many areas

I love that look you give that makes me so giddy for you

I love how being around you makes me feel everything is going to be alright

I love that you accept me for me

I love how you make me laugh

I love that you "play" and let me bother you when I'm sure you don't want to be bothered

 

You are the first person that I've had such strong feelings for

You are the first person that I've told people that "I love him"

You are the first person that no matter my feelings, I always want to be with you

You make me happy

You give me butterflies

You are my bestfriend

You are the first thing I think about in the morning

You are the last person I think about before I go to bed

You are the music in my soul

You are the smile in my heart

I sometimes wish you were the one that will be in my life forever

I wish I had your heart the same as you have mine (darn sire bond)

I wish it were your hands that I could hold at the movies, walking down the street or when I want

I wish it were your lips I could kiss every moment of the day

I wish you were the one I could come home to each day

I wish it was your arms that I can find rest in

I wish you were the one I could cuddle up to and put my cold feet under

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your smile every morning

 

Thank you for being my friend

Thank you for showing me that I can be pretty

Thank you for listening to me talk and vent

Thank you for seeing the beauty inside of me

Thank you for letting me invade your space

Thank you for your patience

Thank you for being my roadie, even though you are leary about my driving

Thank you for looking past my flaws

Thank you for not judging me

Thank you for showing me that I can love someone

Thank you for your truthfulness

Thank you for being my light in a dark place

Thank you for helping me think outside my own thoughts

Thank you for giving me hope when all else seems hopeless

Thank you for being you

 

 

The realization of knowing that you are not "The one" hurts my heart daily

How do I get my heart back, how do I love you like a friend and not more

Here is my confession, I say you are my bestfriend but secretly want you as more

I've been untrue to you and myself just so I won't lose the connection

You have changed my life

You have changed my world

I'm a better person because you have entered my life

 

 

 Happy Birthday Buddy

You have reached a milestone

You left a boy and returning a man, Viva Las Vegas!!

I love you more than you will probably ever realize!!!

 

            

 

 

This song reminds me of you...You truly are so beautiful!