Will it Pass?

It's 3:53a and I've been up since 2:30a.  This has been my routine these past few days.  These last two days, I have not want to press through and pray.  I've been in my emotions.

I miss my best friend, my soul mate, my heart...

How do you move forward from the feelings that are so strong that ONLY you feel?  He has moved on with his life and I'm still struggling.  It totally SUCKS.  Keeping busy is not the answer, being alone is not the answer, I've tried to give it up like it's a bad habit but really?

I talked about inner strength yesterday and I know the God in me is strong enough to get past this.  I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep, waking up at 3a and crying, almost every waking minute.  The thought of losing him hurts so bad.

Well I've already lost him.  He has moved on with his girlfriend aka future wife.  Yes, the green-eyed monster has hit me and I'm fully aware of it.  I know jealousy is not of God and I should not harbor just feelings.  I never would have thought that I would exhibit such feelings.  I can't follow him on social media because I can't handle seeing pictures of them together.  It literally hurts down to my soul.  That's the only way I can explain it.  I try and visit his page once every 2-3 weeks to see if I've moved on and can handle following him but every time I do, I feel like I fall 30 steps back.  It always makes it worse.  I wonder if I will ever be able to follow him again.

The only person I blame for feeling this way is me.  It was my choice from the beginning.

It scares me because my last day of work is Tuesday and I think this might be the last time I will see him or even talk to him.  I'm so scared of the door closing on our friendship but maybe it's time to move on.  I don't want to because of my own selfishness but that's "normal" right?

Maybe this was the way the door was going to close?  I actually was waiting for him to tell me that we can't be friends and that he had an ultimatum.  Which verbally that didn't happen but his actions speak louder than words.  She sent a message to me by "marking" her territory.  For me, that showed me that she is/was jealous of our relationship which is understandable.  Women, we tend to do things that just makes me shake my head, that's all I'll say without going into what I want to say.

I can't help but look at our pictures and compare them to the few that I've seen of them and think, he looked so much more happier in the ones we have together.  I know that could be me just feeding into my own selfish desires or what not.  Then I have to remind myself, it doesn't matter if he looks happier or even if he truly was happier.  HE HAS MOVED ON!!! So it's time for me to MOVE ON!!!  I DON'T KNOW HOW...I literally yell this in my house and I'm sure my neighbors are probably like, what is wrong with that chick.  She must be going through. Well I'm trying to get through it yes.

Yes, so many regrets...I will put this with the rest of them.

That thought of him still makes me smile.  So many things make me want to call him, text him or tag him.  Sometimes I do but mostly I don't.  He doesn't respond like he use to or doesn't respond at all, so I just take it as a sign that I need to stop trying to hold on to something (friendship) or someone who maybe needs or wants to move on themselves. It's sooo freaking hard!  I genuinely love and care about him. It hurts so much not to reach out to him or stop by.

He's sick right now and I know how he is when he's sick.  He dislikes this season and so on.  These are things that I know and I just want to go and take care of him, cuddle up next to him, get him what he needs.  I feel like I know what he needs BUT he has a girlfriend and that's what she should be doing.  It took everything in me not to drop by and bring him some soup. As a friend, it should be okay, right?  However, I don't trust my own intentions and out of the respect for her...it's best I stay away.

I feel like he needs me but wants her but in reality, I don't know what he needs but I do know that he wants her.  But that's something I don't need to ponder on but I do.  I feel like she doesn't know how to take care of him like I do, she doesn't know what he needs like I do...I laugh now as I write this but these are things that make me shed a tear.

This might be a continual fight until I let go. If I can let go.

And even more...right?

Lesson learned is to: Always guard your heart!
  

I Can Make It

My day was just going until I saw him today.  I get so mad at myself but I get so excited to see him.  He puts a smile on my face and everyone in the room just vanishes.  Today as he peeped around the corner, he really caught my attention.  Love the slick hair look.  It really brought out his face.

He caught me by surprise when he asked about the poem.  I was seriously nervous and holding my tears back as I wanted to share but was not prepared. I finally read it not the way I rehearsed but it came out super fast and I'm sure he didn't comprehend any of it. On the last poem, it was helpful to hear that he thinks the same thing, we are drifting apart.  Mainly because of life.  He said, You will always be my buddy.  For the first time since I've known him, I didn't believe him.  I don't know why.  Even since I've known him, I've believed the words that come out of his mouth.  

As he walked out the door the way he did today,
It ended my Friday in such a way
That I can't deny,
It nearly made me cry.
I held back tears and
The words that I feared
I wanted to chase after him but he's not mine
I wanted to scream and whine
He walked out the door and said I'll see you Monday.
Wow, I was thinking not even Saturday or Sunday?

Excuse my words as I splurge on the feelings you just heard.
I felt like crap and really wanted to snap back
What was that going to prove? 
Nothing only that I disapproved.
Of his actions and his response
And how he walked out so nonchalance

The feelings I had for him, I dare not share
But he walked out on me like he never cared.
The old me wants to come out
Only to protect me from this doubt.

As much as this incident made all feelings semi-vanish for him
He's always the first person I think of to text, call or go to the gym.
I got a invitation in the mail,
I wanted to call and ask him to see if he would sail.

My feelings were hurt and I was mad
I usually dismiss people without feeling bad.
However, I'm struggling not to texted him or facebook,
So I've decided to write this mega book.

I let my guard down was it so wrong?
Now I can't get him out of this song.
I chose to take the chance to open my heart
And would do it again from the very start.

It's going to be a process, this I understand
Today with what happened, I believe now I can withstand.
I'm going to be okay by myself
This will give me time to clean my shelf! :)

Things happen for a reason, this we know
I now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm Letting The "Experts" Handle It

Is...My life in 6 words...

I've been without a car for a week now and it's been the longest week this month.  My baby has been in the shop since last Friday.  I have called the dealership everyday since Wednesday asking if they knew anything yet. They tell me, we don't know anything, we are still trying figure out what it is.  The mechanic has order some parts that won't come in until next Tuesday.  He thinks it might need a new engine.  Okay, what about a loaner car?  Well I'm hoping to get a couple in today.  I've called everyday and the same answer, I don't know when they are coming in but I still have a couple coming in.  The experts have not been very helpful and rank 0 in customer service this time.

I have shed some tears over this situation.  I know that people are dealing with bigger issues than I am and there is no excuse for me to be so upset over this.  I think knowing that the are giving me the run around because I am a woman and not really being able to do nothing about it is hard.  Then it's just me here. I'm thankful for the women's bible study I'm in.  Their prayers have meant alot.  I'm thankful that my work is allowing me to use a vehicle.  This vehicle is in worse shape than my car but I'm THANKFUL.  I don't know how long they will let me us it otherwise, I would have to rent a car or just take vacation days.  I want to try and take the city bus but I need to be emotionally stable to do it because there's a couple of transfers and getting up extremely earlier and I don't want to have a cryfest on the bus.

I'm patiently waiting for my Boaz or Superdog...whoever hears my cry, I do enough of it!

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