Cheating Myself

"The One I Gave My Heart To"  Aaliyah

How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me?
How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?

How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?

Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.

 

As I left tonight, this is the first song that came to my heart.  I kept singing the first two lines over and over for about 4 miles on the way home and then youtubed the video.

Answer: Because he's not mine

 

 

I know he kept me there so I could meet her but I didn't want to meet her.  I've been dreading this day and it came.  It was so awkward, watching them flirt with each other.  It made my heart hurt and made my stomache sick.  I wanted to leave SOOOO bad.  I wanted him to introduce me real quick and then I could say nice to meet you but I'm heading out.  Oh no, they were so indulged in each other and touchy feely for about 10 mins before she introduced herself.  I wanted to say so bad to them excuse me my name is and I'm heading out the door but I was trying not to be rude.

 

I'm proud of myself because I wanted to just cry so hard but as this song was going through my head, I kept telling myself, it will be okay and then I was so upset that he still has my heart and wondering when I would not have feelings for him.  Then something I heard on Vam Di tonight was that the love will go away once you fall in love again with someone else.  Well, so freaking hopeless.  I don't normally fall in love, like or attraction with anyone, I don't know how it happened with him.  

 

Those who are attracted to me are old enough to be my daddy or my grandpa (singing, I'm not your daddy I'm your grandpa...yep, you sure are).  Then I fall for someone who is old enough to be my son.  Just HOPELESS!!

 

The bad thing about this is that I needed him in my life at the point he showed up.  So many good things have come out of our relationship and I think good things continue to come out of our friendship.  This is just a hurdle that I need to get over because clearly he is completely fine and loses no sleep or sheds a tear. 

 

I hear people telling me that his time in my life has come to an end and to be fair to me as well as him, I need to walk away.  I cannot heal if I continue to succumb myself to his life.  I had gotten the same word and that is why I want to leave here because I think it would be easier to be out of his life if I didn't live here.  I love him and how can I stop loving him if I continue to fall for him each time we talk.  But yet, I need him (that's what I believe anyways).

 

I had an epiphany on the way home.  I continue to run, thinking I'm running away from my problems when I'm really not going anywhere.

 

 

Truth is...my heart hurts when he talks about her on fb or in general, he comments on her posts, when she comments on his, when they tag each other, or just anything involving her makes me cry because it hurts.  Jealousy is one of the deadly sins and I pray that God forgives me for taking on that trait.  I hate feeling this way, I don't know her but it's just the fact that she has his heart and I wish it was me but then again I don't. 

 

I continue to give him what I would give my spouse.  However, he doesn't respond the way I expect because he is NOT the one and he will not understand the love behind my actions.  No fault to him but he's not going to because I'm not suppose to do it for him.  I'm only cheating me.

 

I just pray for the day that the heartaches will stop and I will look at him as a friend only.

 

I Can Make It

My day was just going until I saw him today.  I get so mad at myself but I get so excited to see him.  He puts a smile on my face and everyone in the room just vanishes.  Today as he peeped around the corner, he really caught my attention.  Love the slick hair look.  It really brought out his face.

He caught me by surprise when he asked about the poem.  I was seriously nervous and holding my tears back as I wanted to share but was not prepared. I finally read it not the way I rehearsed but it came out super fast and I'm sure he didn't comprehend any of it. On the last poem, it was helpful to hear that he thinks the same thing, we are drifting apart.  Mainly because of life.  He said, You will always be my buddy.  For the first time since I've known him, I didn't believe him.  I don't know why.  Even since I've known him, I've believed the words that come out of his mouth.  

As he walked out the door the way he did today,
It ended my Friday in such a way
That I can't deny,
It nearly made me cry.
I held back tears and
The words that I feared
I wanted to chase after him but he's not mine
I wanted to scream and whine
He walked out the door and said I'll see you Monday.
Wow, I was thinking not even Saturday or Sunday?

Excuse my words as I splurge on the feelings you just heard.
I felt like crap and really wanted to snap back
What was that going to prove? 
Nothing only that I disapproved.
Of his actions and his response
And how he walked out so nonchalance

The feelings I had for him, I dare not share
But he walked out on me like he never cared.
The old me wants to come out
Only to protect me from this doubt.

As much as this incident made all feelings semi-vanish for him
He's always the first person I think of to text, call or go to the gym.
I got a invitation in the mail,
I wanted to call and ask him to see if he would sail.

My feelings were hurt and I was mad
I usually dismiss people without feeling bad.
However, I'm struggling not to texted him or facebook,
So I've decided to write this mega book.

I let my guard down was it so wrong?
Now I can't get him out of this song.
I chose to take the chance to open my heart
And would do it again from the very start.

It's going to be a process, this I understand
Today with what happened, I believe now I can withstand.
I'm going to be okay by myself
This will give me time to clean my shelf! :)

Things happen for a reason, this we know
I now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Moving On

Moving on is hard to do,
Especially when you care about someone special like I do.
His life is progressing
And no I don't think it's depressing.
I'm battling on the inside,
from my head to my heart,
all the emotions I had from the very start.
If this is what it feels like to let your guard down,
for some odd reason, I think I'd rather drown.
I did this to myself, I can't blame anyone
but for some odd reason I hear Antoine Dodson saying, "You are really really dumb"!

My feelings for him are subsiding
And now all I want to do is go in hiding.
Other thoughts are going through my heard
But I've been trying to rebuke them because the enemy wants me dead.
It's not because of him or anything he did,
Sometimes I just go through these cumbersome times.
It's coming at a time that's hard indeed,
when I feel like I'm losing my friend, my partner, my buddy!

I've thought and I wondered but mostly pondered,
I hope it's not me that's pushing him away,
All because my feelings got in the way.

From my view, I feel like we are drifting apart,
I hope it's not time for our friendship to depart.
They say people in your life are seasons
And everything happens for a reason.

How do you move on?
How do you go back to being strong?
I'm trying to move forward without regret,
Does that mean that I need to forget.
How he made me feel, the trips that we took,
the plans we've talked about, Oh I could write a book.

I'm moving on, that's what I'm doing,
I hope things work out and doesn't go capooie!
I'm moving on and that feeling is so strong,
I'm letting him live his life and I'm not going to throw my thong.

Life is going good for him, he's motivated, happy and hopeful,
I will keep praying that he stays on a positive track
And hopefully he will feel that God has his back.

One last selfish prayer that I ask in your name
that you would please open some doors in my life.
I'm tired, I'm drained, I'm an emotinal wreck,
Some days, I just need someone to rub my neck.
Since there is no sign of Boaz in this near future,
I'm hoping change in my life will keep me fruitful.
I'm moving on...it feels without my buddy.

Footsteps

 

As we go through life and get older, we come to realization that our life may not have been the best.  Who do we compare that too?  TV, friends, other people or just by how we thought we should grow up.

One thing that most of us agree on is that we want our children to have a better life than our own.  We can always point out the struggles in our life as a kid and how it might have been unfair or just plain horrible.  Believe me, I have my share of struggles and if I think about it long enough, it can eat away at me from the inside.

As much as we don't want to turn out like our parents.  I'm sure they weren't praying, Lord let my children by just like me.  Let them parent just like me.  I'm sure they had the same thought as we do then.  They just like many of us parent how they think and thought was best for us at that time.  Many of us can look back and say, Man my parents were not good parents, or ask why did that make that choice and the list could go on.  Well just like us or will be most of us...they parented the best they knew how.  Granted sometimes it wasn't the best but we made it.

I believe that we are going to have some tendencies good and bad that we get from our parents.  However, that should not hinder our thinking of our own life.  I believe that each generation has the power within to break that bloodline (curse).  

No we are not going to be able to do it on our own.  We are going to need the power of God to help break some of those chains, bandages and scars that have left us bondaged by our past. 

Time to get your praise on, your dancing shoes out and a shout in that voice, get your BREAKTHROUGH!  We are claiming victory for our future.  Thank you Lord.