"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you!" -Dr. Seuss
All I can be is me. I can only supervisor the best that I think I can. It will take a lot of work to get my staff where I want them but I think we can do it with time.
I think it went good today. There will always be challenges and there were a few curve balls thrown at me today (the lead, the new guy, . Man, I keep thinking if I'm reaping seeds that I've sown.
"My staff huddles more than the Kansas City Chiefs!"
Man, if they quit pow-wowing over every little thing, we can do the darn thang! Just saying. Every time I look up, they are in groups, I know they are complaining about something that I'm having them do. Get over it, there's a new sheriff in town. No, I'm not prideful at all. Just playing. On the for real though, they oppose everything. Which is going to happen and everything that I knew is coming to surface.
I'm still hopeful...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Cor 10:13
So I haven't been on his page in over a month at least. Today I broke that today. I'm in tears right now because I'm upset that I got on his page. I was doing so well for so long. I miss keeping up with him. Now that I don't see him everyday, I feel like I don't know what's going on with him. Is this what's suppose to happen? I keep reaching out to him because I want him in my life. I want to know about how he's doing. Especially during this time right now, I just don't want him to feel like he's alone even though I was just where he was and coming out of it as of 3 days ago.
I feel like I just relapsed today. I had a anxiety attack and everything. I just want him in my life. He would say that he is but not how I want him to be. The messed up thing about this is, I did okay with being on his page until I went further back and then I couldn't take it. It's my fault though. I should have just stayed within this month NO...I shouldn't have gotten on his page.
Man, all my feelings have surfaced. I know how he is feeling that's what sucks. Only God can heal him and I know there is nothing I can really do but I just want to love him back to health but it's not my responsibility.
Lord I need you.
I thought he was the one but his heart did not belong to me but someone else. My prayer is that in our hearts, Lord you will be that special thing. Lord hide my heart so deep in you that I will not be blinded by love but only see the love that you have for me. Lord, I need you, please hear my tears as my words are everywhere.
It's day two and I haven't done so good. The healing process of the heart is going to take some time and I know that. I just want to know how he's doing, I want to hear his voice, I want that communication and I want to be there for him.
It's been a year and a half since these I've been trying to overcome. Takes time, huh!
"Don't let your past burdens ruin your blessings; old feelings don't belong in new seasons; what's new shouldn't be compared to what's old AND If you're afraid to be hurt again, you're afraid to be loved again"
Wow! This video tho. Go and check out his video's. They are all pretty moving and powerful.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to see another day in the new year. -Amen
How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad? How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?How Could The One I Shared My Dreams With, Take My Dreams From me? How Could The Love That Brought Such Pleasure, Bring Such Misery?
How Could The One I Gave My World To, Throw My World Away?
Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand.
As I left tonight, this is the first song that came to my heart. I kept singing the first two lines over and over for about 4 miles on the way home and then youtubed the video.
Answer: Because he's not mine
I know he kept me there so I could meet her but I didn't want to meet her. I've been dreading this day and it came. It was so awkward, watching them flirt with each other. It made my heart hurt and made my stomache sick. I wanted to leave SOOOO bad. I wanted him to introduce me real quick and then I could say nice to meet you but I'm heading out. Oh no, they were so indulged in each other and touchy feely for about 10 mins before she introduced herself. I wanted to say so bad to them excuse me my name is and I'm heading out the door but I was trying not to be rude.
I'm proud of myself because I wanted to just cry so hard but as this song was going through my head, I kept telling myself, it will be okay and then I was so upset that he still has my heart and wondering when I would not have feelings for him. Then something I heard on Vam Di tonight was that the love will go away once you fall in love again with someone else. Well, so freaking hopeless. I don't normally fall in love, like or attraction with anyone, I don't know how it happened with him.
Those who are attracted to me are old enough to be my daddy or my grandpa (singing, I'm not your daddy I'm your grandpa...yep, you sure are). Then I fall for someone who is old enough to be my son. Just HOPELESS!!
The bad thing about this is that I needed him in my life at the point he showed up. So many good things have come out of our relationship and I think good things continue to come out of our friendship. This is just a hurdle that I need to get over because clearly he is completely fine and loses no sleep or sheds a tear.
I hear people telling me that his time in my life has come to an end and to be fair to me as well as him, I need to walk away. I cannot heal if I continue to succumb myself to his life. I had gotten the same word and that is why I want to leave here because I think it would be easier to be out of his life if I didn't live here. I love him and how can I stop loving him if I continue to fall for him each time we talk. But yet, I need him (that's what I believe anyways).
I had an epiphany on the way home. I continue to run, thinking I'm running away from my problems when I'm really not going anywhere.
Truth is...my heart hurts when he talks about her on fb or in general, he comments on her posts, when she comments on his, when they tag each other, or just anything involving her makes me cry because it hurts. Jealousy is one of the deadly sins and I pray that God forgives me for taking on that trait. I hate feeling this way, I don't know her but it's just the fact that she has his heart and I wish it was me but then again I don't.
I continue to give him what I would give my spouse. However, he doesn't respond the way I expect because he is NOT the one and he will not understand the love behind my actions. No fault to him but he's not going to because I'm not suppose to do it for him. I'm only cheating me.
I just pray for the day that the heartaches will stop and I will look at him as a friend only.
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